[catmarie]

I posted this in the answers section, but im a little impatient, hopefully someone will answer me faster through here...

I have had increased anger since about 12.But ever since i can remember i have always been on my own, even with 2 married parents. i dealt with hearing alot of arguing growing up.I never have felt close with my mother,nor father.I do not trust anyone,and i cant forgive either.I hold grudges, and i cry ALOT. I do not have many friends either. I was spanked as a child, if that has anything to do with anything, i dont know. When i tried to talk with my mom about my feelings or if she knows why i am the way i am, she called it "ATTENTION" and nothing. which really enraged me, because these are real feelings. Any ideas of whats going on? if its nothing be honest.

Also, I have about 3 dreams that repeat every year or so. I have had them since i was a little girl, no matter how crazy or unbelievable that sounds. The dreams are EXACTLY the same each time i have them. They are all violent, and i have woke up crying.

[my3sns]

I read your post , but dont have the answers that your looking for. Just wanted to let you know you were heard.

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by catmarie

I
I have had increased anger since about 12.But ever since i can remember i have always been on my own, even with 2 married parents. i dealt with hearing alot of arguing growing up.I never have felt close with my mother,nor father.I do not trust anyone,and i cant forgive either.I hold grudges, and i cry ALOT. I do not have many friends either. I was spanked as a child, if that has anything to do with anything, i dont know. When i tried to talk with my mom about my feelings or if she knows why i am the way i am, she called it "ATTENTION" and nothing. which really enraged me, because these are real feelings. Any ideas of whats going on? if its nothing be honest.

Also, I have about 3 dreams that repeat every year or so. I have had them since i was a little girl, no matter how crazy or unbelievable that sounds. The dreams are EXACTLY the same each time i have them. They are all violent, and i have woke up crying.

What I hear are some key issues which speak to me.
You didnt have any relationship to speak of to iether parents, that would suggest no adult you can turn to.
You're 'in sort of emotional exile or alienation Children need the experience of closeness.
The most intense form of relatedness there is punishment.

When you do try to communicate, its as if you are told 'you're not entitled to feelings/ your experience isnt real.
' Underentitlement' verging on the message 'you dont exist as real', 'you're not entitled to real feelings' ie your real self.

Youre feeling increasingly angry, and have violent dreams that recur - this would make sense, it seems theres quite a voilent paradigm going on, maybe, whether real or 'under wraps'.
Being alone a lot also follows logically.

See if any of this resonates with you.
try reading some here, see if you get some ID/ more understanding,

www.selfinexile.com

. There are paths to healing and understanding .. there is reason for hopefulness

riverx

[trevorzero]

Sometimes parents simply don't have much to offer their children. It might be better if you kept your expectations for them rock bottom.

If you have a friend or two, perhaps you could "adopt" them as your substitute parents. They might be quite happy to welcome you into their lives.

[Rapunzel]

It sounds like your parents were pretty wrapped up in their own struggles and didn't give you the time, attention, love, validation, etc. that all of us need. That's a very hard way to grow up, and it makes sense that you would feel like something is wrong. Attention is a legitimate human need, by the way. We all need to be cared about, and to be a part of something, and for someone to know that we exist. The way that you feel is real.

There are no easy answers, but you can go through your life or your psyche and find the pieces that are missing, and work on filling them in. Part of what is missing is love and caring and relationship with others, so you will need someone to fill those empty places in your life. If you haven't considered therapy, that would probably be a good place to start.

Although parents do the best that they are capable of doing, for the most part, there are still a great many of us who didn't receive the parenting that we needed. You're not alone. I relate to your post too. I hope that you can find your answers. Be good to yourself as you search for them.