[Secret]

I'm new here but need to feel I'm not alone in what's happening to me.

First a little history. Nine years ago my oldest son committed suicide on his 19th birthday. Needless to say I lost it. Well it didn't end there. That tramatic event triggered my PTSD for events that occured while I was in the military. (Not actual combat, but life threatening)
I question why I survived or even if surviving was worth it.

I take Zolof for the PTSD and it does control the flashbacks. At least I'm not tackling people because of sniper fire, or hidding under furniture anymore. The anxiety and night terrors are bad. I'm afraid to go to sleep most of the time. The only thing that helps is Lorazapam and that is so addictive I only take it when I haven't slept for a couple days or am shaking so hard I can't even hold a spoon to eat.

The doctors say it will never completely stop. I'm really getting tired of everything.

[Foomph]

That is awful. I couldn't imagine going through any of that. I'm not sure what to say so I'm sending hugs.

[(JD)]

Secret, no, it doesn't even completely stop. (However, for newly dx'd, traumatized people there is a medication that they are trying out, to prevent the ptsd.)

BUT you can learn how to not allow it (PTSD) to control your life. You can learn to "retrain" the brain and have better responses to life, even find areas of enjoyment. Find a psychologist who is expert in PTSD and stress management, and you'll be on your way to healing...as best you can.

You do see that things can change, even though by medication. Psychotherapy helps you change the brain chemicals /reactions in much the same way.

[Pomegranate]

I like what sky says. PTSD does get better if you seek help for yourself in all kinds of different ways.

As for the loss of your son to suicide, that will be painful for the rest of your life I would think. But over time that will lessen, or at least become manageable too. I had a girlfriend in college commit suicide. It was a great shock and haunted me for a long time, but now I just remember her ever year and feel sad around her birthday and the day it happened. It's tough going through.

[Pikku Myy]

Secret. I too have a battle with PTSD... and am trying as much as I can to heal mylesf. Find someone to talk to... even if it is on this network... just so you can get some of the horrible sorrow out of your soul Hugs!!!

[Secret]

Thanks everyone for the responses

I've learned to deal with my son's death. The pain will never go away but ... well I deal with that.

My PTSD flashbacks have nothing really to do with that, other than his death triggered them and as I said my meds take care of them for the most part. Its daily living and not sleeping that are my problems now.

I want to work but can't seem to get a job because I haven't worked for eight years and I missed a lot of time that last year I did work so I'm sure my reference from there stinks. Also, I'm 59 and even though employers aren't suppose to discriminate for age they do.

I've also gotten totally out of shape. Sort of snuck up on me, but this last winter I did little except lay around and things got bad. I'm starting an exercise routine. Slow at first, I can't do a single sit-up or push-up at the moment and even the walk to the mail box leaves me winded. I hate it!!

Well thanks again. Guess I just needed some place to vent.