PTSD kicking up

Sorry to hear about your Mom. Be glad you could be there. My Mom and I don't get along&she didn't even tell me she'd had a stroke 2 years ago until 2 weeks after it had happened. Be thankful for the good years&the good memories&that you have family that cares. Sounds like you're holding up better than could be expected.

Thinking of you and your family today (((((((((( Orange )))))))))))


sabby

((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you all so very much.

(((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))) we all care about you so very much
you are loved .
muffin

Oh Muffy what a wonderful picture! LOL

Orangeblossom I hope you are doing ok and that you have a lot of support around you at this time - take care P7

(((((((((((((((((( Orange ))))))))))))))))))

I cannot deal with the vision of my mother's last ten minutes on this earth. It was a very traumatic experience to see her fight and gasp for every last breath. It isn't fair that she would have to suffer like that.

I have yet to experience someone dying a peaceful death. My brother who died from the heroin overdose choked to death on his vomit, my brother who died from aids wasted away until he was nothing but bones and translucent skin. My dad ripped his hair out at the roots because he was in so much pain right before he died.

And now my mom.

WTF.

((((Orange))))))))))))))))))))))) My friend
you are right it is not fair. none of that is fair for any one to have to suffer that way or for you to have to see so much.
My heart is with you I truly understand what you have seen.
please know i care....even these words are not enough
and i know that. I wish i could make the vision go away for you ...
I can not dear friend. I can only sit with you...
my heart is with you
(((((((((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

muffin

Orangeblossom, I am sorry you have had such bad experiences - there are no words that can say that will make it better - but know I am thinking of you and wishing you well -and hoping you have a T to talk all of this through with - take care P7

Thanks muffy and P7 for all of your support and understanding.

There are hospices that are supposed to make the last times at least reasonably comfortable and surround the person with human connection. You might investigate the idea for any possible future events.

Thanks pachy,

One brother was in a hospice and they were wonderful.

The other brother died before he ever made it to a hospital.

My father was in ICU as was my mom. They mentioned moving her to a hospice but time ran out and she died in the special care unit. They were also wonderful and made her as comfy as possible, but that doesn't help my mind stop replaying those minutes. I'm sure this will pass.

(((((((((((((((Orange))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say. I care so much. Please take care.

((( wantto )))

I just need to dump a few more things here if no one minds.

It's been five months already since my mother died. Can you believe that?

Most days I'm still numb over it so it's easy to fool myself into believing that everything is fine.

I'm having serious trouble dealing with this at night. I still can't shut my eyes without reliving some part of that day. What was said, how she looked, how she suffered.

The feelings surrounding her death blend together with the sad and angry feelings I had when I watched my brother die from Aids. I felt so helpless during both. I couldn't save them. That was my job as a little kid. Now I'm lost. My roles as daughter, sister and "life saver" are officially over.

This will sound weird and I'm not sure anyone will understand, but I'm mad at my other brother for getting to die somewhat peacefully. He shot a bit too much heroin and poof, he was gone. No suffering there. Checked out the easy way.

I have guilt over feeling that.

I also think the recent suicide of my sister-in-law is impacting me more than I originally thought. She overdosed on some of the same meds I take. T asked me to bring in all my pills tomorrow. She will not be happy when she sees the stockpile. I did not save them up on purpose so no worries, they just sort of accumulated.

Anyway, thanks for reading and listening.

(((((ORANGE BLOSSOM)))))

I dont know what to say..... I wish I had healing words .... I wish I could take away your pain and wrap you in the love you so richley deserve - now that you have lost those roles - maybe its time to just be you and thats enough - I dont know what to say except that I hope things get better for you

((Orange))

(((((((((Orange))))))))))

You haven't completely lost the "lifesaver" role, Orange... You can look after yourself now, you can let yourself heal... I know it's not the same as helping others, but you can do this... I wish tihs could be easier for you and that you didn't have to suffer so much..

It's okay for you to feel angry about your Brother. He may have suffered some pain, but not half as much as the others did and I'm so sorry to "hear" that things are so tough for you right now. I wish I could take that all away, even if it was just for 5 minutes.

Please take care of you and let yourself heal. Be gentle with yourself today. I hope you start to feel better soon. You deserve to smile

((((((((((((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))

{{{ FRIENDS }}}

You guys all rock.

For some reason it wouldn't let me thank ThePainNeverDies so "thanks" to you too.

HUGS