[Jennybyc]

Hi everyone. I waited to post here until I had time to read some of your posts. I am new here but not to PTSD, not by a long shot.

I started in therapy way back in 1966(I'm 58) when no one even believed in child abuse as a source of mental illness but I was one sick cookie. But when I was stuck in a long term hospital and was laughed at by the psychiatrist when I told her I had been raped by my brother, I knew this was going to take a long time. In fact, I had to recant my story of rape in order to be discharged. But I knew deep inside what the problem was.

So I stayed in therapy in order to learn how to grow up and found myself in and out of the hospital, all the time, trying to remember and trying to grow. Finally, in 1985, after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids, I started to remember.....after my kids were molested. I went through 3 years of horrendous flashbacks but dealt with it and mourned. And then I picked myself up and went on with my life.....but I knew deep down inside there was more. I figured it would come when the time was right.

In 2007 two things happened......I broke my neck which caused it's own case of PTSD and my 1st grandchild was born...a beautiful little girl. That started it all over again. The memories that I've been getting back and am still getting are the worst yet. They start as a flashback and then I get more and then the feelings come a couple of days later to fill in the picture. I go and search pictures to verify wallpaper or clothing or people or something that gives me some sense that it was real. Is that how it is for others?

So it was back to therapy these past couple of years after being out for 20 years. It's so weird. When I left therapy, PTSD was unknown. Child abuse as just becoming recognized and I was fortunate to have a therapist back then who was an investigator for the Dept. Of Social Services. That was the mid 1980's. I have seen such changes in the psych community in the past 40 years it blows me away.

So I am dealing with some pretty horrible stuff. My therapist and I have come to the realization that I was the victim of my mother's Munchausen Syndrome....not just abuse although more memories of sexual abuse have surfaced as well. And each day I wonder what I'll remember today. Each day I wait to see if I have any flashbacks and if I'll be able to handle it okay. Each day I wonder if I'll be able to keep my anger in check long enough to get to my therapist. He asked me Monday if I could kill my mother. I simply said.....pillow over the face...hold...repeat as necessary. I had no idea I have grown to hate her that much. And yet I love her too.

I guess that is what makes this all so hard.

I look forward to meeting everyone.

gentle hugs to all................Jenny

[opheliasorrow]

Gosh Jenny I am so terribly sorry you have had such terrible trauma in your life. You sound like such a strong person, you have endured not only sexual abuse, but abuse from your mother too. First of all, I just want to say that I am no proffessional, I am an abuse survivor like yourself and can only offer what I have learned so far in my two years of therapy by a wonderful psychotherapist.

Your question will the memories ever end? In my experience probably not, BUT you can learn how to copw with them, stay grounded and make them less of a threat in your life. I too was neglected and abused by my mother, she tried to smother me as a baby (only found that out not long ago) and now some of the memories I have had make sense. She was so mean to me as a baby and a young child, I have hated her, stopped spweaking to her but I still love her, she is my mother. It's taken a long time to forgive her actions, I still have flashbacks and dreams, terrible terrible dreams, but we have a relationship these days even if it's not one I really would want as mother and daughter. We manage and she is getting older.

Her lover was the abuser. From the age of 8 until I was 16/17 he abused me and mum never believed me even though his wife told her he'd been in court for sexual abuse .... so there lies another problem ... rejection/abandonment etc etc .... I really just wanted to write back to you to let you know I am so much more positive in my life and although I have problems still I can manage them much better. The days I am feeling particularly bad I have a wonderful therapist who will help me though it. Stay positive, please believe me when I say that I never though I would be able to get over this, my live has been screwed up so much. I am nearly 45 ... and I'm getting there ... and so will you. You are strong .. I know this from what you have told me .... and I feel like I could kill my mother sometimes, but the protector inside me is talking, wanting HER to know how I felt ... that's how it works. Take care and know you can pm me any time. You can learn to control the memories, turn them around, just stay positive and know you're NOT alone ... with love, hugs if that's ok, Ophelia (Kerry )

[phoenix47baby]

Jenny,

I am so sorry you have suffered so by family members. You are right, therapy sure has changed since the '80's when they would check you into the hospital without a bat of an eye. Boy, you have a lot of stuff coming up and the anger you are having for your mother is just overwhelming. I hear you when you talk about checking pictures and wallpaper. I had an affinty for tile in the bathroom where I was m*****ed. I hear you loud and clearly and am sending kind thoughts your way. phoenix47baby

[Typo]

((((((((((Jenny))))))))))

Welcome to PC,

I"m so sorry you had to deal with all of that, I too am an abuse survivor. I like you, have a thing for finding pictures to compare the details in my mind.

The memories don't stop, there something we have to hold, but things do get easier, more mangeable, with time and proper therapy we can heal as survivors, I have my time spans where I get lots of memories or very few, things do get better, and it helps to be at a place like PC for support

No matter how dark the night, the sun always rises and gives us a new day adn light to see by, you are very strong, and I'm glad to have you as a member of the PC community

Sending peaceful thoughts to you
Sparrow