overwhelmed

its back ....
fear....
anxiety...
overwhelming angst .... because I have put a plan in motion but am still afraid of where the road will lead....and
afraid of everything....
I tucked it away for the last few weeks ...
almost forgot about it actually ...
I am good at ignoring me....
BUT
it doesnt work forever....
stressed out....feeling like a little girl who wants to throw a fit and block stuff out again ....
Not to mention I wanted to be further along in socializing with others and find I AM NOT.....frig!

((((((((((((((( Sunny ))))))))))))))))

Hey Sunny, that's why I would get to this issue ASAP to get it over with so that you can move forward. Anticipation is the worst........... No wonder you can't focus on anything else......

How are you doing, SUNNY?

((((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))

Questions about this child...this girl....little me??
I am stressed out all the time....I feel like I am gonna burst.
Laughing as I say it, cuz I know what i have to do.....PURGE!
So telling is gonna happen....but I am SCARED.
I dont know why anymore, why am I scared and of what?
Have I not told because the overwhelming and anxiety I have is the littel girl?
I asked T the other day a
question
am I the little girl who the abuse happened to?
is she ME?
am I her?
are we one?
(I am having a hard time understanding this concept)
T says kinda.
He asked me for a memory a good memory of maybe a time with a friend or a special moment. It had to be a childhood memory. I thought about time with friends but could not remember so much ..... then it came to me, Time with my nana who took me to friendy's and we had ice cream.
""So T asked me if I wanted to go to Friendly's and have an ice cream"".
WE DID, last nites session. ) funny huh?! LOL!
so damn funny I have to laugh...
silly actually but I am glad we did
I had Chocolate Peanutbutter Sundae and so didnt he ... but his has pepermint pattie ice cream, hmmm?! Anyway...he wanted me to rexperience a happy memory by going there and trying to engrain it in my
"GOOD MEMORY thoughts".
Then we talked about other happy memories that I have .... and with each memory I feel as though they are getting more clear ...and then there are more.... I mean I am feeling happy from thinking about it, even as I write.... wierd.
Well my question was and still is, who is this little girl we refer too....who is she .... is she me.....am I her....
I had written to T about how I felt there is a soldier in me protecting the fortress I have built and that the soldier is fierce and wants to protect me or her...
.....so dont I. I want to protect and I want the same.
T says I need to free her and I say from what?
he says I need to make her feel safe,
and tell her it is safe ,,,,
SAFE????
what is safe I ask...
he asks me what makes me feel safe
locking the doors at night is safe for me ....
closing the blinds or shades or curtains at night makes me safe ....
shutting the gate at night is safe .....
working is safe to ensure financial security ....
He says these things dont really make us safe but make us feel safe .....
he says that I need to tell the little girl it is ok and she is protected and she is safe. I ask what safe is and I say what is she afraid of ...
but i am told only I can answer that.
I want to know who the girl is
....is she the victim,
protector or controller ???
who am I ?
which of the 3?
how do I communicate to her?
how do I reassure her?
T reminds me of my fears,
he reminds me of the things I want to do but hold back,
the places I would like to go but hold back,
how I want to be free but I hold back.....
he suggests that maybe the little girl is this part of me, which I have held back
and if I let her out, then I will be free. I think I or we will be, free.....
I think this is it ....T suggests I write what I would like to say if I were talking to her and meeting her ....
I plan to do this but want to absorb what it is I am attempting...the logical side of me is not having it .... but the rest of me is saying DO IT!

I am confused still a little about how to be safe and feel safe....I mean I am safe in my life I am safe in my home....I am safe in my existence ....
maybe safe is not caring what happens after I tell and just TELL because I need too for me and for her!
Ahhhhhh...maybe that is it....maybe I shouldnt give a ***** how its gonna turn out because I have already dealt with the worst parts.....kinda, in a way I think.
blablablablablablabla
Sorry for the runon & on....
Any thoughts are alway appreciated....
oh and T says that the elephant in the room is taking up so much space that I am stressed because I dont have enough elbow room ... the room, no longer holds the elephant .... time to pop the balloon!
I hope I dont sound off.... I am trying to work this out in my head and writing my thoughts helps ... but here I get people who care and who reply and who share and who want to be here with me and help me walk thru the process of figuring this out and meeting me on both ends to ensure I make it through ....
thats all .... thank you for reading .... hope maybe something makes sense ..?

You are working at it and making progress. Please continue to post. Good luck.

Sunny,
I am happy you have such a supportive T, I wish you more days of remembering good things at Friendly's with ice cream. I hope you are able to find some answers from writing out your thoughts.