looking for help now........retired cop

Hi everybody...I'm new to this site so bare with me. I am a retired state trooper. Everything was going good until February and then something snapped in me. As I am sure that you all understand, it's hard to explain. Anxiety to the max, restlessness, muscle aches, sleeplessness....the whole bit. I have a psychiatrist who is really good and I have a counselor who tries to help but for some reason he hasn't hit on the right topic yet. I joined the Army when I was 18 and shortly after I was forced to shoot a man during a robbery. I was an MP in Texas. It weighs heavy on me still to this day. And during my career as a trooper I have seen every king of death possible and too many. My psychiatrist feels that all of it is catching up with me now. I just wonder if theres an end in sight or if this is the way that I am going to live out the rest of my life. I pray not. Anyone with similar situations or advice, please feel free to contact me. I need all of the help I can get. Thanks.

(((((((((((((((((((((benspap1)))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to PC Ben, and I thank you for your career as a police officer, and thank you for your time spent protecting the public.

I have PTSD from various traumas and from childhood sexual abuse, I can't say I fully understand the experinces you have been through, but I know with PTSD that flooded feeling, that overwhelmed feling we get when all the things we try to avoid thinking about remembering catch up to us, it is a feeling that all of us with PTSD can relate to.

No, it isn't going to be your whole life, I can reassure you that, it hurts right now, everything flooding back, but it won't last forever, the flood steadys and slows, and goes to a trickle. We can never forget the things we have been through that have created our PTSD but we learn to manage the impacts those memories have, we learn safe ways to express ourselves and the pain we are going through. The bite they have lessen, and the sting is less, no it won't ever go away, but we learn to build our heatlthy defenses and build our support systems.

I hope this all helps, we are all here listening and supporting you, please keep posting, PC is a safe place to heal and learn.

Feel free to PM me anytime, I check my messages daily

Peace and Serenity
Typo

Hey benspap1. I don't have any personal experiences like yours, but I have been through a lot of tragedy. I find that I remember my past in waves. Sometimes it just floods back at me for days and sometimes I literally go years without thinking of those awful things. I do think things finally do catch up with a person, but you seem to be on the right track with a psychiatrist and a therapist.

I hope you enjoy it here at PC, it's a really great place. Welcome.

I have PTSD from a disabling industrial accident.

The sooner you get treatment, the better and easier it is to treat. With that said, since the Army didn't treat soldiers for PTSD on a regular basis *until the current wars* it's probably going to be a long haul for you.

The reactions you ended up with from that first shooting have had a domino effect, I think, and caused you to make other decisions based upon the poor reactions...and then more less than healthy decisions/reactions based upon those bad decisions... etc.

It's also probably taken a toll on you physically, as the cortisol runs rampant in our bodies with the fight or flight situations always being forefront in our minds.

Now with that said, psychological treatment with an expert in PTSD is what you need. If during that time you need medication to help calm the anxiety (PTSD is an anxiety disorder) or to help you find restorative sleep, then do so.

A good point about all this is that you won't necessarily have to pick through all the traumatic incidents in your life. Part of PTSD is that the brain chemicals dumped during the original trauma (especially) caused the memory of the shooting to not be filed away properly. The subsequent traumatic events likewise, weren't filed either. (I picture it like all those files are lying scattered all over the brain's/mind's floor.)
Once you begin to process the events that keep you on edge, the brain will have an "ah ha!" point and subsequently begin filing all like kind memories.

So there is hope for life without it being controlled by PTSD. At the present point there is no cure for PTSD, unfortunately.

((((benspap1))))

This doesn't happen to everyone and it isn't allways permanent. Most police and suffer with PTSD.

The difference between military and law enforcement & medical staff is that with law enforcement & medical staff theirs is a continual exposure over a prolonged period of time rather than the military which is usually over a shorter more intense period of time. And with the military there is intense training whereas with law enforcement the training is more to do with mundane situations except for weapons and reflex training.

If you are not having any success with your counsellor then you should change counsellors; though it can take several visits before you are triggered and can get into the nitty gritty...

Hoping you get somewhere with this soon,

Hi and welcome to Pc

im a nurse in a brain injury ward - patients are often violent when they come back from whereever they go mentally when they are in acute hospital - my PTSD is started after i was attacked at work - i wont go into details but i wasnt physically hurt - my T (therapist) said that this was just the straw that broke the camels back - i could reconcile the other attack cos the patients were confused - this guy wasnt - i had to look after him for about 5 hours after i was attacked - that wasnt good and added to the trauma i think - there is also childhood sexual abuse and various other attacks and abuse - so i guess what im trying to say is that it very well can be an accumulation of things and not just one incident - although from what youve said youve seen more than enough to traumatise anyone from just a few of the things youve seen

Does it last forever - NO - wiht the right therapist - there is hope and help - i went through 4 before i found my one - sadly he has cancer so he has retired - but i have PC (Psych Central) and the people here are great - they understand - you can come here and vent and ask questions - support others wiht what you know and be supported when you need it

the stickies at the top of the page can be quite useful - have a read ok

the best book that laid out everythign i needed to know was THE PTSD sourcebook by Glenn Shiraldi - it has so many different techniques for every symptom i had / have

its 4 years this year since my camel got its back broken lol - The storm of emotions that i was always in the middle of has settled quite a bit - I'm on an anti depressant called Cymbalta - thats the 4th i think ? one ive tried and it really helped - i resisted meds for a whole year - but nthey have helped me - ok i was stubborn lol but i like to cal it persisitant

finally i would like to thank you for everything you did in the army and the police - my brothers were in the army and i knew quite a few police in the UK cos where i worked used to get broken into every friday lol and some from over here in OZ (Australia)- i have only admiration for the dedication you guys show doing a job that most of the time you get no thanks for - so THANK YOU

Geez ive waffled on - but i suppose short version is - glad youre here - yes theres hope - keep posting and nice to meet you

P7 (sorry im a bit of a hug monster )

Phoenix.....sounds like you've been through the mill also. Recently I had another episode and was taken to the hospital. I failed to mention that while a Trooper, I was in a car accident and was struck in the head with the radar unit. Hit me hard!!! I have developed frontal lobe damage and am having frontal lobe seizures. I am now taking medications for that. So far so good. I don't know anyone who has had frontal lobe damage or seizures like this so if you know of any information......it would be welcomed. I have a whole additiional series of tests scheduled for this week. Hope everything turns out OK. I feel for your problems and I know how you feel. Maybe we can get through this together..........Talk to ya soon...

I have ptsd and in the beginning I just didn't understand. Why me and why now kept popping into my head. How could I get through those moments in the past and now they come back to haunt me. I still do not understand but it is real and the right therapist does help.

Hi Benspap1! I also have PTSD, It started in my childhood and continued on from there. I was an RN, now I am a healing survivor...that takes almost all of my time. When it hit me the hardest was when I married my current husband. Mt T told me it was bacause I finally felt "safe" so it started coming up. My poor husband he had nothing to do with this crap and catches the whole ball of wax right in his lap.
I also was an EMT, I am sure some of the witnessed accidents and killings have an affect on my PTSD too, but at this time it is mostly about my childhood.
There is some promising research out there, for longterm results. The key is getting the proper treatment. I am happy that you will be able to get the treatment needed. I am hopeful for you.
I know too that when I was keeping myself busy all the time, with work and children, etc, that I had fewer symptoms surface....I was repressing and distracting myself from the PTSD. I was a workaholic. Give yourself some time and be patient with yourself.
Thanx for sharing

I had my PTSD breakdown/breakthrough, too, after retirement. I worked in health care where the stress level was high and gave reason to keep the adrenaline pumping like in childhood. I never "did drugs or alcohol." But I did mainline adrenaline as much as any addict.

So I think JD is correct in the earlier post about brain chemistry and adrenaline. I began studying what happens when adrenaline stays in the system too long; it is only suppose to be in the body for 6 seconds to initiate fight or flight. Otherwise one adrenaline encounter takes 6 hours to process out. Cortisol buildup plays havoc with the body. Everything is affected, and aging begins to show the wearing down.

I began medication, which helped a ton. How foolish I was for not getting on it sooner, but like everything else, anxiety was making my decisions and doing everything on my own (no nurturing from parents as a child) stoked the fires of the anxiety. I am so thankful to my brain for finally "crashing my system," so I would HAVE to get help in dealing with what was to come. The idle on my engine was running too hard and fast, and then one swallow of Celexa kicked the roar down to a purrrr. Yes, I felt that within 2 hours after my first pill. And I went into the med program not believing in "magic pills" and thinking it would take 6 weeks of hell before getting any relief. How wrong I was!

I slept through the night that night and have ever since. After years of sleeping issues, from bed wetting to parental alcoholic fights and all that comes with a home like that within childhood upbringing, a new way of sleeping became my normal. Ahhhhh. Sleep restores the immune system, regulates blood pressure, and feels great if the nightmares are controlled. Celexa feeds my brain something it didn't have before. My brain needs the SSRI relief!

The chronic PTSD is managed now. But what a change in lifestyle! Yoga, meditation, less on my calendar, reevaluation of events, etc. I listen to my body and can "read" the signs and go with the flow--instead of going along with the cultural current when it's not for me.

I know what adrenaline dumping "feels like" (top of ears turn red, heart races, breathing steps up, engine races) and also know I can no longer control it without meds. So I work with my body and my meds instead of trying to be Tarzen. I'm also in cognitive behavior training to reestablish a new and better way of thinking before choosing a direction. Very empowering.

And to those who don't understand that I am not as available as I once was to community service...well, I say, "Like me as a person or find someone else to be your 'producer.'" Words I've needed to say since I was a little girl when I had to do things far too advanced for my age and body distresses because my parents had their own unsettled mental issues. Having to be responsible is far different than having the am "ability" to respond. Quite a difference. That's what is so great about retirement!!!

I am 63. It's never too late to relate to one's self in a new and better way. Ellen

wondering how you are doing and how the tests went?