Wicked Bad Flashbacks

I am having really bad flashbacks the last week or so. Wend antique shopping with some girlfriends the other day and ended up bolting from the store. I walked around a corner, looking for an antique Ragedy Ann doll (for my munchkin for C'mas) and BANG!!! Right there in front of me is an exact replica of my mothers red trunk. I backed up into a table full of glass something or other and then RAN from the store. I could feel myself SHRINKING. . .becoming a little person again. I didn't want to be in that trunk again. . .I KNOW I'm too big, but still. I don't feel too big.

I had an emergency session with my regular T yesterday, and he brought out the box I'd made a while back. It looks like her trunk. Inside of it is a doll that resembles me, but that I've painted with bruises and other stuff. There are also words in the box too, on little scraps of paper. He brought the box out, and set it on the table next to me. He had me look at it. . .that was hard. He wanted me to open it. . .which was even harder. But, I couldnt bring myself to take the doll out, no matter how hard I tried. He asked me did I have anything I wanted to say to her. I finally told her. . ."Don't ever come out."

As much as I hate that effing box. . . at least it was safe in there. I wasn't being hurt while I was in there.

My nightmares are EXPLODING in my waking hours and I don't know how to keep this from happening. This morning, while playing with my little girl outside, I could SMELL my mother. I looked around, thinking someone had come up on us that had on her perfume or something like that. . but there was no one. I could SMELL her. . .no question about it.

I am bungie'ing between being totally ok . . .pulling on my education and training to get me through this. On the down side of that bungie cord is saying "to hell with education, this is different, this is ME!!!"

::: SIGH ::::

Hi Gracie!!

That does sound very scary. I hope that you will be made whole again one day.

((((hugs)))) if that's ok!

((((((((((((((((((((((((gracey))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so very sorry. please be very good to yourself right now.

kd

I'm working on the being good to myself part. Yesterday, I took school portraits at my kids school. That was fun. I am trying to stay busy. . .b/c when I am not busy then I cut. I don't want to go there either. I had a relaspe of my MRSA recently, and while it wasn't as bad as the ones last year, I surely don't want to end up in the hospital again with more holes in my body.

Oh yeah, when I get stressed, I jabber nonstop.

Yes, (((((Gracey))))) flashbacks are wicked bad! I think your idea of being good to yourself today and for a while is a good thing! Jabbering is quite acceptable, to me. I'm glad your T was able to see you, and understands so well what you are dealing with... certainly you will be able to heal from this eventually, with such support and understanding!

I hate this. I had a prof at ECU who told us once, "Those of you taking this course as an effort to understand yourselves will fail miserably. Those of you taking this course in an effort to heal yourselves will fail miserably. Those of you taking this course who UNDERSTAND that you can never fix yourselves, will succeed profoundly." Information is a mighty powerful thing, and I am thankful for it. Unforunately it does me not a frigging whit of good when it comes to trying to fix myself.

I am so sorry about your flashbacks. They are so scary.
I will hold you in my thoughts.
Lilith