[Gracey]

I have been having a really ahrd time here lately. My group T and I are not only not seeing eye to eye on things, but last Monday night he missed it so big. I feel so useless, and so WRONG. He thought that I was thinking higher of myself than my abuser, and I wanted to tell him, "No you DUMB *****, the problem is I already think I am worthless and you are only solidifying this belief." How can people be so fricking stupid?

I am not sure I am going back there anymore. I struggle. . .constantly. . .with self worth. I don't think I am worth crap. . .I was never treated with any validity or worth, so why on earth would I believe that I am worth anything? Der.

My regular T is "concerned." What the heck exactly does that mean? "Im concerned." Ok, great, you're concerned. Now waht are you going to do to help me with this crap?

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I am hating myself right now.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) Gracey, do you need to actually ask your regular T for help with this situation? Maybe he isn't sure he should interfere, out of professional courtesy or something. Sounds to me like he would call the group T or at least be willing to further discuss it with you. I don't do groups, as this kind of stuff would only make me worse

[bipolar_bear]

Do your therapist and group therapist consult one another? It doesn't sound like it. I have never been to a group but I would think that it would be beneficial if your two therapists knew what the other was doing.

I am sorry your group T seems to have totally misunderstood what you are feeling. It is hard if you are unable to explain yourself. I hope this is not a recurring problem. If you can not discuss this openly with your group therapist maybe you can with your individual therapist and get some help.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was when you were crying out for help and you felt you were being chastised. And then to feel your therapist is not actively doing something to relieve your feelings of self worth on top of everythign else.

I hope that no one has lost sight that you were the abused not the abuser. Please take care of yourself and don't give up on the healing process. Be safe.

Sometimes it is hard having two different professionals in my life like one for therapy and one for groups. The way I handle that is I go according to my individual therapist and use the group information as a suppliment. basically picking and choosing what information fits me and leaving the rest. That way I don't run into conflicting views from the two.

as to self worth and so on. I had been treated like an object to be beaten, and so on so I had no feeling one way or the other about myself. So one day my therapist with a rape crisis center asked me to try something. she asked me to pick someone that I admire, and who shows that they are sure of themselves and seems to feel good about themselves. Then pretend "as if" I am that person. And then report back to her the next day on what happened.

There was this woman I had recently met. She had this "no one is going to f' with me ever again
" attitude, and no matter what she was doing her head was held high and she found a way to make whatever it was work for her. So I chose her and for one day everything that I encountered that day was what would J do now. No matter what went wrong, right and so on.

The next day I woke up and was amazed climbing out of bed I was actually looking forwards to the day because the day before I had actually accomplished things and I was actually proud of what had been done. regardles of the outcome of my activities the day before, waking up I was happy with myself because being J I didn't let anything drag me down.

Even though I was supposed to do the activity for one day I found myself taking on J like attitudes and so on almost daily. . My therapist one day about a month later told me "You have changed can you tell me what that is?" and right away I was able to tell her that I was starting to see myself as a person worth being treated right. No one is going to treat me right so I have to do that. Then she asked me what I felt was my best characteristic or favorite thing about myself and right away I was able to tell her I love my hair and I love feeling like I I can win because I want and deserve to win over what happened to me.

I thought the lady was going to do cartwheels right there in the office. Not only was I proud of myself but she was proud of and for me too.

She then told me that up until that day she had real concerns about me too. She was afraid that my not having feelings for myself I would end up permanently in amental institue or dead because there was no fight in me physically or mentally. I was basically a wlking dead zombee. Many times she tried to p**s me off about myself and it didnt work so she didn't have any idea on how to help me come back to the world of the living so to speak. It was seeing me and my reactions to J's strengths and so on one day when she came to the college office where I worked to schedule a room for her workshop that gave her the idea for the activity that got me to start caring about myself.

She told me therapists don't always have the answers and sometimes the answers come from people, places and situations outside of the therapy room. the trick is to look for them and use them to our advantage like she did.

Now when ever I am having a hard day and think I am worth chap I think "ok fine I'm crap and J would do what in this situation?" and I like my therapist I go looking for the answers for whatever is going wrong be it a book, talking to a friend, taking a break and so on.

Also therapists get their clues not only from the clients words but their posture and so on. Maybe your words are saying you feel you are worth crap but he sees high self worth in your tone of voice, posture and so on. His pointing out what he thinks could have been his wanting you to look for why he thinks this and in doing so you may find you do care about yourself and so on.

A good therapist listens and allows the client to find their own answers on what to do. They can't tell you what to do or do anything themselves to fix the situation.

Basically their job is to keep the questions rolling so that you look at all sides of a situation until YOU come up with the answer of what you need to do to help yourself.

You may hate yourself for everyone is entitled to their own feelings but I want you to know that -

I think you are one terrific person.

[Gracey]

I'm so tired of hurting and being hurt. I just wish, ONCE, it would be MY turn to feel better. To not feel like total crap. . .to not feel like I am only half a person. .to not feel like the only reason people like me is b/c of what I can do for them.

:::: sigh :::

[hillbunnyb]

Hi Gracie. Can I tell you a little story? I live alone in the woods "out-house" style. Inside, I have a 5 gallon bucket full of sawdust to pee in. I also have house rabbits. One of them's named Geronimo. He's all black and small in size (a Havana, if you're into bunnies), AND, I don't use a lot of lighting. So, the other night, as I was peeing in my bucket, which sits next to a stack of grey metal shelving, the bottom shelf of which is very low to the ground, I was astonished to the point of nearly toppling as Geronimo came scurrying out from under the shelves, flat on his belly with is legs out to the sides, rowing like a tick. !!!

yea I know. Theres a saying in the mental health community and that is things get worse before they get better. hang in there it will get better. It just takes time to figure out what is wrong and what will work and then doing. The waiting and hanging on in the process sucks but it is well worth it. Take care.