[Yack]

So I am a little upset. The guy who abused me mentally and ripped my life to shreds is in prison. He was supposed to plead guilty today but did not - he keeps saying he didn't do it to the prosecutor. He thinks his family will bail him out. They won't. They don't care. He is going to get slammed. He stole everything from me. He stole me. I don't know who I am anymore.

Ever since I walked out of court I have been a mess. It was mild but got worse over time.

I feel like I am not the same person as before. I was healthy, I had a career. I loved where I lived and was independent.

Yesterday my big accomplishment was I drove somewhere by myself twice. I almost fainted in my therapist's office.

That was the first time I could go anywhere alone since I forced myself to go back to school in May. Even then I was having a hard time leaving the house. 6 days in hospital. Four days in ER.

I am jumpy. I worry constantly. Turn down the TV. Lower your voice. Don't yell.

People say I look better. Every day is a struggle and I am not doing a thing. I used to love being productive.

The psychiatrist says I look better and may not need an SSRI. I cut the Klonopin to 2 and half .5 s.

The therapist says I should be a mess after being sick for 8 months with a parasite and then having this happen.

My friends are getting married. Finishing school.

I spend my day watching TV. Hating where I live. Forcing myself to eat. Knowing I can never go home.

Knowing I made a fool of myself at school for leaving after years and years of work.

Being told I can't work where I want because I am emotionally drained.

Wanting to go out with my friends but they are busy and too far.

Being told by the therapist that my whole life has been "leveled" by 2 earthquakes and I have to start over. From nothing. I don't know a soul and I live in the country.

Worrying about how I am going to catch up to my friends. Wondering why I always feel sick.

Appointments: therapist, shrink, doctor.

Being afraid I am losing too much weight.

Wanting things to go back to normal knowing they never will.

I want someting to hold onto. I feel so lost and horrible.

I am crying. I don't like this. I am agoraphobic now. I can't take care of myself anymore.

He ruined 2 lives and I don't understand why.

I walked through that door, went on a date, and this is what I get.

I asked about EMDR.

No. I will be flooded.

I remember the days before. They told me I didn't have to testify...why did they drag me in there then? Why did they do this to me? I loved him. He laughed at me the whole time.

I was picking out my classes, decorating my apartment, talking with friends, loving Christmas, planning my internships. I remember the Tsunami and how upset I was. That was the last thing I remember clearly.

I am losing all of my friends.

I have panic attacks when I have sex.

Dr. John - I was supposed to be you.

Now I can't even tie my shoe without throwing up.

Someone please tell me how to live again, how to love again. I have to recreate a whole life from nothing.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((Yack)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain...so sorry. I pray that someday this will all be a memory for you...a distant memory.

sending thoughts of healing and peace.

KD

[cms39]

I'm glad he's in prison. I hope he stays there.

You will get on with your life. It takes time. The aftermath of all this is very difficult. You WILL find peace.

[Yack]

I'm sorry too. I can't stop crying.

[ozzie]

(((((((((((((Yack)))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((( Yack )))))))))))))))))

I wish I knew what to say... I'm so sorry things are so very tough for you right now.

[dottie]

Good to see you Jackie. Very sorry you are so burdened with all of this stuff.Life is so unfair.

((((((((Jackie))))))))

xoxo TGC

[JustBen]

Sorry you have to deal with all this stuff, Jackie. Keep working hard and you'll get where you want to be.