I feel like crap

I don't know where to put this. I am so out of order right now I could scream in the road. Long story, sorry

Foster kids here for years

Adopted one,had one long term

A lot of the stuff these kids did was hurtful to the homegrown kids, mostly things the foster kids did.

My oldest 17 year old was here since 3.

She hates me, she hates her sister who has done nothing but love her and stand up for her in the most pure way. When this kid became sexually active the homegrown one gave her a hard time because she didn't approve

This kid hates me, she goes with a boy who self harms and tells her she has to save him. If you go away to technical school I will hurt myself and quit school. He doesn't let her speak with anyone, she chooses not to go see a birth sister with whom we are close, he made her feel like crap for going to Fla to see grandparents.

This boy is alot like the birth father who she never knew but knew of.

I have had it. She has lied to us and she has been hateful to me and I am always the bad guy and the boy friend's family do welfare for a living and would love nothing more then to see her pregnant. They want her to move in with them.

I don't care. If she is not a part of this family with our values, morals and ideals on education then let her choose what she will. She will be 18 in 4 months. I am hurt

She gets upset because I don't want her to go camping and sleep in a tent with her boyfriend, boyfriend's sister, and sister's boyfriend?

These people have adopted three special needs young kids and the sister yells and swears at them constantly. She is in her early 20's. She is cruel to the young ones. My daughter doesn't think there is anything wrong with this.

My daughter reports that this father was a druggie with time in jail, she reports nothing wrong with this.

I have been hated by her since day one and I am so hurt and finished. I am always the bad guy.

With my husband's recent disability she has had more chores and she calls me lazy. Okay, I am lazy. CRAP ON A STICK! I pay her car insurance and her repairs and her registration and I work all of the time. I ask her to vacuum and do laundry. The other girl at home does dishes, kitchen and animals. I am so lazy and mean.

I am not involved in the plan

the plan is for hubby to go to therapy with her and tell her if she feels that she hates my daughter and I and that she needs to lie to us about schooling issues then she can go.

It is her choice, go or stay. Staying means loving your sister and being a part of this family. Staying means adopting our family culture after how many years?

errggg!!!!!

((((((((((((((((WW))))))))))))))))))))

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that is a LOT to deal with i would be so stressed out if i were you. it sounds like this daughter doesn't think of anything but herself.

Wisewoman,

It sounds like you are going in the right direction even though it may seem all clouded to you at this time. You have given her as much as you can, & now it is time for her to make it on her own. No one should be in a household without pulling their own weigh & you shouldn't have to do it all.

I think your own children should come first in your priorities & if she is hurting them in any way, I would end doing anything for her until she starts doing something for your family. At the age of 18 she is now concidered to be an adult & should be given adult responsibilities like paying for her car insurance, repairs, registration, & taking care of her own things like vacuuming her room & doing her laundry. She should also be held responsible for her actions by this age ..if she doesn't like it, she can get out & do it on her own...unless she thinks that her boyfriends family will do it for her. Seems like she is going to have a rude awakening as to the responsibilities that life really holds for her.

I truely feel sorry for her making the choices she has. We all make mistakes growing up & guidance is necessary, but there comes a time when we as parents/gardians can do no more & the choices become theirs. It is sad that she doesn't have enough self esteem to put her future infront of a guy like her boyfriend. Therapy may work, but if she doesn't want her life to be different, no amount of help will work & will only be rejected & sometimes makes the reactions even more negative just to make a statement.

I like your last statement about it being her choice to stay or go, to choose your home values and be part of the family or her own...that is what it comes down to in the end. We can't force people to think in our way, but we can choose not to have them around us if they don't. You have to look out for your & your family's best interest & it sounds like that is what you are in the process of doing.

My congratulations to you for taking a stand,
Debbie

Wow, thanks Eskie and Sweet and JMO. It is obviously very distressing to me right now. This is the kid who told teachers that I got more "american girl" dolls for her sister then her. B.S., they each had one and the rest were knock offs but the other one took care of her things. Yet, teachers believed that she was a victim and she was given another American girl doll. Still my baby didn't get jealous, just shared the joy. I am heart broken as we have had her for so long and seem to have made so little difference.

Wisewoman,

It is sad when we give so much of ourselves to someone & seem to make no difference. Sometimes the difference doesn't show up when we think is should be there....however you have planted your seeds of value into her....they may not have sprouted yet, & may never, but you have done the best you can. You may be surprised, someday she may realize the values you have provided her with may end up making sense to her.

Sometimes when we are mad & mad at the whole world we preceive is around us (even though it may be good), we reject everything....then later, we pick out the good ideas & they become part of our lives...It's just one of those things we never know how things will turn out.

But for the time, you need to do what is best for your own family & be thankful that your own have not rejected the values of your home. You can be proud of your own children...Be Happy, you have done a great job so don't be heart broken. You really don't know what the future holds.

Debbie

bump

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She's coming home today from camping and I think I shall have to leave or hide. I am so angry and hurt. Most of all to hate her sister is too much. Mothers always get hated but her innocent sister?

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I suppose I should go back to my positive language thing and try that.

Naa, no positive language on this. Today I will just be mad and let it be. She is a snot and I do not deserve to be treated that way at all. She is in an abusive relationship and can't see it but I can't rescue her unless I send her a few hundred miles away. I am so tempted but have nowhere to send her to. She's a good girl. She has a kind heart. She also has the stupid adoption issues. The younger one is royalty and can do no wrong and I am the evil one. I could scream if I thought it would help.

so sorry to hear all that you are going through...hang in there....scream if it will help

WW, I wish I knew of something to say, but I'm lost for words. You are going through such a hard time, I am sending good wishes for better days that I hope come very soon.
There are many people here for you
I know this may be small, but can I send you some cyber hugs, that originated in a human being ?

DE

((((((((((((((((( wisewoman )))))))))))))))

Okay, cyber hugs explained that way I can accept. Anyone want my 17 year old for a while? Thanks Butterfly, darkeyes, fuzzy. You see, the only thing I ever knew I was good at was parenting. And now it seems like the past 14 years have done nothing, we have simply housed this other person. She hates me and she hates my youngest child.

She sounds like she has a lot in common with many of the girls where I work. All of them are there (at least initially) because someone (usually their parents) cares more about them than they do about themselves. The seventeen-year-olds can be particularly frustrating because if they don't decide that they want to change their lives by the time they turn 18, they can choose to leave, and then there is no more that we can do to help them.

Sometimes it takes being sent someplace other than home, so that they can get a perspective on what they had and didn't know it.

WW, i'm so sorry that you're in such a bad spot right now. i understand your hurt and frustration. teens are not easy, when they are doing what they should. i wish i could wave a magic wand and i would and then i'd bring the tea and cookies!!

do i i know the 17 year old song..."wait til i turn 18, i'll do whatever i want to and with whomever i want".....teen shelter talk........boy, do they have the world by the tail. it's so sad, cause you know what's really going to happen.

WW, her rebellion doesn't necessarily have any relevance to your parenting skills. Some kids are just rebellious, especially 17 year olds. At 17, many kids think that they know everything that they need to know about life, and they resent any attempt by their parents to guide them in a more appropriate direction.

she came home with a giant hickie on her neck. Attitude included. Thanks for the support. I am still considering my options in terms of where she can go, at least for the summer, and maybe to finish school. Who knows. She may end up moving in with the boy friend's family. She has had a very different life because of us. She has known things she never would have known and takes it all forgranted. Thank you all for the support and wisdom. It still hurts. She can make choices now that bring her back to the dysfunctional life she knew as a small child or to break a cycle and live a better life where she can be respected and support herself. She's at a cross road.

Okay, so yeah I talk to myself. I can't get back to sleep. I am tired but my mind is racing. I am upset with this kid but it's turning into what can I find to obsess about? Hmm, the spot on son's car that doesn't look good as we are painting it for him. Ahhh, money, ahh, a bike for him. Paying summer tuition. I am so wound up. Trying to breath, taking my drugs. This doesn't feel very good at all. I think I forgot my tummy pill too cause it hurts. Part of me is excited to think this daughter will leave and stop being my problem. Have already redecorated her room in my mind. Is that bad or what? I am into kid's stuff right now so I would set up a play room for when hubby tutors and kids visit. She has hurt me a lot I guess. I know 17 year olds act out. The thing is I do not think she is the least bit attached to me. She could give a flying fruit loop about me. Okay, that's fine so let's just stop the pretending and move on. I will love her but I am happy to keep that in my heart. I can't make her do the right things. Why doesn't her boyfriend's family come and move her whole room? They have been brain-washing her into the welfare mentality and every other word is _u_k. errrrr. I just had a friend fix her car she ruined. I didn't hear a thank you. She is paying him directly. I didn't hear a thank you that she has been allowed to drive her sister's car everywhere she wants. I am crabby and can't sleep. Someone sing me a cyber lulaby and rub my back?

(((((((((Wow!!))))))))))))))

This is THE PLACE to post this; I am so sorry that you have been emotionally abused by all these kids & they have done nothing but turn on you, my heart goes out to you (I used to be one of those kids, I am ashamed to say,.....temporary placement only tho')

Just keep your T up to date & spill your guts of the pain you feel to him/her!!!!


And for in between........this IS the place to vent! from all of "us" to all of you..........hang 10 & we'll try & get you over the bumpy parts, o.k?

w/cyberhugs((((((((((((((((hugs! DAYZEE9

Thanks Dayzee, I am thinking that when school is out on the 17th, and after her sister's graduation party the 18th I am sending her to live for 2 weeks with friends who will be strict and not let her see the boy friend. It seems she got some special needs respite money that has to be used now. Guess I will use it for this. If the time away does not give her a better attitude and a better sense of value for herself and us then maybe moving is the best thing. I am not in a place where I want or need more pain.

A decision has been made to not allow her to speak with him. She has to drive to school so they don't have time on the bus, and we are going to ask the school to try and limit their contact. It is very clear that she is the victim of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. Last night my husband heard him tell her that he is so stupid and should be dead and he can't do anything without her. He also told her that his mom wanted to know if she is pregnant. This family is creepy, the son creepiest, and the parents are trying to placate him with my daughter.
He then accused her of playing around with the guys at work in the cooler, then said he had been watching "hot" girls when he was i town. He went on to say that he hates school and wants to quit and why should he go and if she goes to the tech program he will definately quit.

Then, in 2 weeks she is gone for 2 weeks where hopefully she will learn from our friends about abuse etc. She is having therapy tonight and hubby is going, I am getting her info on domestic abuse. And, hubby is telling her how hurt I am that she is hateful toward my youngest and myself.

Wish us all luck.

Okay, I can talk with myself, can't hurt huh? Well, Tonight I was invited out on a friend's boat and took the youngest with me as hubby was meeting with the other daughter's T with her. It was a big mess and daughter was confronted on the abusive behavior of boyfriend and that she can't see him anylonger. Major crisis, hubby called friends on the boat and they agreed to take the kid for a while to see if things settle down. Meanwhile I come home after giving them the child and such and find a note from her threatening that the boyfriend's family is going to "get us" Well, I called a cop friend who told me I could and should do a restraining order against the kid for emotional, verbal abuse and manipulation. He said the order could include the family too. There is only 2 weeks left of school and we are looking at options of having her finish year at home to get away from this kid. She is at friend's house and they are keeping her home tomorrow. Hubby will meet them at the doc's. Another issue, she hasn't had a period in two months. I hope I don't even have to go there, maybe it's stress. My friends are getting through to her, listening and being kind. they are good people. I only know them because their father is my friend and he is dying and I have been helping. They good folks. I am afraid of these hillbillies that are the boyfriend's family. I am afraid they will hurt one of my pets. I have to be 1.5 hours away tomorrow and yet I feel the need for a restraining order or an order of no trespass. I want to tell hubby to lock everything when he leaves but we never lock, where are the keys? I visualize bad stuff so I need my mind to go to a rational place. Kids are safe. Hubby is fine, Doc gave him a release today and he can start increasing his activity as tolerated. He can go off pain meds and use tylenol and Ibuprofen. I feel like a gumby doll torn in a million different directions.

Wow ok I am up to speed now. That is a hard situation.

I hope it is stress that has caused the two month thing and I would get the restarining order asap.

Man what a nightmare this is for you.

No wonder you feel like gumby.