[JustMe247]

Hiya, my name is lily and im 24. I have recently been seeing a new therapist who believes i am suffering with P.T.S.D and i just wanted to talk to those who can relate a little to what i am going through and who may also have some advice having been there themselves.....so heres my story.

I was sexually assaulted, not yards from my house one day walking back from school at the age of 13, i know people have gone through a lot worse but it was very traumatic for me. I had little knowledge about sex and things at that age and it felt like i'd been thrown into this very adult and horrible world. It was reported to the police and i was interviewed, but pretty much straight after that it wasnt talked about...my parents didnt know how to deal with it and werent given any advice so im guessing they thought the best thing was to pretend like it never happened and move on. What i didnt know was that not talking about it wasnt helping and that started to show in my behaviour. I developed OCD, i'd self groom excessively, particulary straighten my hair until it was falling out but it felt comforting and i needed that self assurance. My parents noticed and threatened to send me to a therapist which at 13 was horrifying and so it shocked me out of the pattern, though it did return later in a different form.
About 6months after i got my first bf, who was 3yrs older than me but seemed alot older which i liked because i think i felt a need for protection...it didnt last long but we still saw each other because we had mutual friends, he treated me very badly during this time period, was very cruel with the things he said and gathered his friends to join in,so most nights i'd come home feeling even more worthless than i already did. Enough was enough and i stopped seeing them, but the damage was already done.
I went through various stages as a teenager, from being extremely rebellious with no self respect, to a withdrawn person who wouldnt let anyone see her in daylight. I always had this obsession with how i looked, but by the end of year 11 i was coping and when i got into 6th form at school i came into my own, had a amazing bf and friends who were supportive and was doing really well at school and started to have confidence within myself.
I got a place at uni, and for the first year all was well..i was very nervous and shy but i made a few friends,though i felt like the stupidest one in the group. I was doing good in my work and exams tho which was the main thing to me. We moved house which i found very hard,and not long after me and my bf broke up which broke my heart to be honest. I got through that by putting all my focus into my studies,but then one early winter morning i had to be in uni early, it was dark and a man approached me as i got off my bus....he followed me and kept getting in my personal space asking if he could be my friend and i just thought 'oh god its gonna happen again'. I ran and caught the bus straight home, i cried my eyes up all the way back. My therapist believes this is what triggered my now excessive behaviour, one because being followed alone is traumatic but also my association with that day i was assaulted.
I havent been out of my house alone since that day which was now 3yrs ago,not even to walk to the shop. i have panic attacks regulary, low mood and my ocd is extreme. help that ive had does not seem to be working and i just want to know what others think and any advice i can get? feel free to ask anything sorry i've talked so much but i felt it was all valid
x x x

[chlorophyll]

Hi Lily, thanks for sharing.

I relate to what happened to you in some ways. I get the being afraid to leave home alone, picking up obsessive habits, associating recent events with past events, or vice versa. I think your therapist is correct in his/her thoughts that there is PTSD.

13 is a young age and with no experience of intimacy, it makes the situation worse. I get that. I was the same, though older (17, as I still am currently.) From my own experience with my therapist, I think the advice would first be coping skills, then working through the two events separately, as well as placed side by side. The second event perhaps reinforced or gave reality to your fears that may have been buried in your subconscious. The 'once bitten, twice shy' phrase definitely has meaning here.

Take a look at this thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=16719 - it gives ways on coping with life and focusing on the present.

My therapist gave me a strategy for whenever I think about what happened to me - take the thought, park it in the corner of your mind and say "I will not think about this now, I'm busy doing what I'm doing, I'll come back to it later." And you don't have to come back to it anytime soon, only when you and your therapist think the time is right. It may not work every time, but it can help a lot.

The grounding techniques in the thread I gave the link to above should help with the panic attacks. I know the feeling, like something is creeping up on you and overpowering you and surrounding you, but it CANNOT overwhelm you. You are in control. Think back to a time when you felt and were strong, and remind yourself that it is still within you. You can kick those feelings of fear out because you are strong. The two men from the two incidents don't deserve your time or energy.

For the low mood, as is common with people with PTSD, that is probably depression. What has your therapist said about it? If it's causing a large problem, you could go and see your GP. Also, may I ask what the symptoms are of your OCD?

One thing that has probably remained with you, maybe without even realising, is the lack of a feeling of closure. After you told the police, nothing else happened, I assume. If it had, the case may hve felt more closed and done with in your mind. But you can work through that with your therapist. The man may be long gone, and so he needs to be gone from your mind. Easier said than done, I know.

No matter the degree of what happened to you, it still happened and it doesn't matter if other people have gone through worse. This is about you and what you went through. There are no comparisons because every mind is different and handles things in different ways. What you went through was your own trial and you can overcome it.

There's never such a thing as talking too much on this forum. Feel free to say all you want. People here are nice and like to listen

You take care.