[diamondintherough]

One night, back in late 2008, I was at home asleep when all of a sudden there was banging against my windows and a person yelling. I woke up and noticed the voice belonged to my aunt, who was a drug addict. I was terrified. My younger sister also had woken up scared and I was beside her holding her so she would calm down. My parents were trying to figure out what to do, since this was my mom’s sister and they didn’t want to do anything to hurt her. However, a few minutes later, we heard male voices who were communicating with my aunt. We heard the men say things like ‘break down the door’ and it just caused us to be scared even more, especially when they started banging rapidly on the front door. However, the police came just in time because my neighbors had called them. The police didn’t arrest my aunt or the men, but told them to get away from the area. My aunt and the men left, but my sister and I were still scared which only lasted until the next day. Two years later, in February 2010, I was in gym class and we had a substitute teacher for a week. He would work us really hard, despite us being all girls, and while doing an exercise I messed up. He noticed my mistake and yelled at me. His anger brought me back to the situation with my aunt. I left to the locker room and found myself starting cry and my heart to beat fast as the yells and loud sounds from the night in 2008 ran through my mind. I later calmed down, but the situation couldn’t leave my mind until a few weeks later. I thought it was all over and that I would be fine, until another situation happened in April. I was so happy around that time. I mean all that was basically running through my mind were thoughts about my senior prom and final exams. However, one day after school, my younger sister and I went to McDonalds and got a frappe to share. We then left and got on the bus to go home, but while we were riding the bus, a female got on and asked for a sip of my frappe. I said no and then suddenly she went off on me. She started yelling at me and my sister, she started messing up her hair, and biting her skin. I was scared and I could feel that my sister was too because she was crying. The girl noticed that my sister was crying and then said she was sorry, but then a few seconds later she went off on us again and she started going all around the bus. Me and my sister left our seats and went towards the front of the bus telling the bus driver. The bus driver did nothing, except tells us the girl would probably kill herself which just made up more scared. The girl came towards us once again, after the bus driver's comment, and tried reaching for us to attack us. I stood in front of my sister to protect her and the girl was all up in my face, while the bus driver did nothing to help. I hurried and gave the girl my frappe and asked the bus driver to let me and my sister off, which he did. My cousin had to pick us up and she was wondering why I was so scared since it was an hour later after the bus incident and she basically looked at me like I was overreacting. My sister seemed okay though at that time and was the one trying to calm me down. When I got home, I was so scared of my surroundings and that the girl would come back. My mom comforted me but I couldn't stop crying, but when my dad found out about the situation and why I was crying he was so angry at me. He called me so many negative names, such as coward, and he told me I was basically stupid to get off the bus and instead of staying on it and that I was so weak because I was scared. He was so angry at me. His yells and facial expressions reminded me of both the situation with my aunt and the girl from the bus. I was so scared, but I also hated myself for disappointing my dad so I bottled up my emotions and never spoke of it ever again, despite me having nightmares about it. A few days later, it was prom. I was still scared about the bus incident, but I still went to my prom and tried having the most fun I could, but I couldn’t fully enjoy because I was scared of my surroundings. A few months after I graduated high school, the night mares had stopped. But, everything was starting to get difficult. My aunt had died in August 2010 and all I could think about how I was somewhat at fault for not having much of a relationship with her after the situation she caused in 2008. Then school started and I kept failing at my classes; some of my family members would talk negatively about me. I started to feel angry and sad because my relationships with my family were falling apart and how I was failing. Then all of a sudden in January 2011, I had one of my nightmares again, I stayed up all night because I was scared, but in the morning all of a sudden, I started to cry and my chest felt like it had a heavy object on top of it. My mom called the ambulance, my younger sister was worried about me and my older sister (who had started living with us) started rolling her eyes at me basically saying I was overreacting. The ambulance came and started checking on me, while my older sister along with my younger sister left to go to my older cousin’s house and when my dad found out about the ambulance he started yelling at me about my mom shouldn't have called the ambulance over this. Later on, my older sister came home and told my mom how she and my cousin were laughing at me about how I was overreacting all the time, but my mom stood up for me. I overheard the conversation and I just felt completely embarrassed. After that took place, I decided to keep my feelings to myself, and I was doing a good job at it, except I was starting to get extreme headaches. Around August of this year, I started having nightmares once again about both the situation with my aunt and the bus. The nightmares haven’t stopped yet. Now, I'm 19, and for the last few months, I have been lashing out at everyone, I will start crying and screaming and throw things around at random times at home and my headaches have been getting worst. I'm also basically still failing somewhat at school and my family is just putting all this pressure on me. My dad, sisters, cousins, even my mom who once stood by my side all look at me like I'm crazy. They will say I’m psychotic and mental to my face in a way where you can just tell they are disgusted and embarrassed by me.

I just honestly do not know what to do anymore. I’m losing control of my life and I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I just want to be truly happy and feel loved and like I belong once again.

[Yoda]

I don't think you are overreacting. That is some scary stuff. I have PTSD too and talking to a therapist has helped me lots. Do you have a T now? Sorry your family is not supportive but that is not unusual. Some of my family told me to pull myself together and I'm like, do you really think I would be this way if I could control it?

You will find support here.

[kaliope]

Diamond
I am so sorry that you are having to experience this. your symptoms certainly sound as if you are experiencing ptsd, but you would have to see a therapist to be certain. print your post to bring with you as you have done an excellent job explaining what you have been through. you are in no way over reacting. can you talk to your mom about getting you in to see a psychologist or psychiatrist? if not, check with your schools counseling office for help. you have definately been traumatized by the events in your life and need help from the mental health profession to get you back on track.

good luck and welcome to PC.

[diamondintherough]

Thank you Yoda and kaliope for your support. It really helps me a lot because you two make me feel like I'm actually cared for and that I will get through all of my problems. So, thank you both.

My English teacher actually gave me the phone number to my school's therapist a few days ago because she said I looked like I was about to break and she told me her husband went through a tough time last year and got help, so I'm really hoping the therapist will be able to help me too. I have an appointment with him this week, but I'm really scared. I mean I know therapists are supposed to help you, but I just can't help but feel a little scared. I just have so many problems, the situation I mentioned above is just one of them to be honest, and I just feel like scared of what his reaction might be. I mentioned to my mom and dad that I'm going to see the therapist but their reactions were basically that I didn't need one and that I should just get over it like I can be magically cured.

[ThanatosHealing]

Hi Diamond, I've read all the replies to your thread and your story.

I'm really sorry to hear about everything that's going on with you. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be in your shoes. To be honest, I think that some people- such as your family members, have a hard time relating. I believe everyone is entitled to deal with things in their own way and that even though sometimes it's not good, or doesn't help- no one should be judging others for their particular facet of relief.

That being said, it seems like a lot of your family members are also in need of some counseling.

I'm not a professional- but I do spend a lot of time listening to people, and I try to give the best information and " advice " - that I can, from what I see. I don't know all your details but if you ever need someone to talk to - I'm here.

Thank you for sharing, and I do hope that you find peace.

- Also. As far as the therapist goes, this set up- will be a very good thing for you. Therapists are generally there to give you relief and help you isolate the problem and work inwards, and out. Maybe they'll help you with your family as well. PTSD isn't the only obvious issue here. Your family is severely incapable of being supportive of you while you are struggling- and that is a very large issue.

People have all sorts of issues going on in their lives, and others in one persons life may be dealing with things too, but there is no reason that someone should make their own daughter feel like an absolute basket case for being afraid.

I can relate to you in some ways. As an example- and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when I was 14, I used to have terrible phobia of the dark, so much so that I would hear noises, and see things. I don't really have that issue anymore, but I hate the silence and I hate the dark. When I would wake at night, I would get up and cry at my parents door, hoping for some sort of comfort. The most I got was a loud yell from my stepfather telling me to go back to bed and a less than savory " Shut up " - with expletives attached.

Now, you would ..normally wonder why a family of loving caring parents- wouldn't get up and try to comfort their sobbing child right? This never happened though. No comfort came, and I grew up afraid of the dark. I still sleep with a light on and when my family members see me doing it at any time- they laugh at me. Your trauma.. is important.. all trauma, of any kind- great or small is important.