Ptsd "toolbox"

haier, i have a hard time with the 't' word as well

vulnerable and confused = is a state that I am feeling often.

I am so glad you are here and reaching out. Yes, talk therapy has been helping me tremendously. I do a lot of work outside of my appointments,
as well. I write in my thought journal, read different materials, do 'homework', touch base with her when I need to and I found PC.

I hope you will continue to come back and share. There are wonderful, supportive people here who do "get it". You are NOT alone.

Here's a little 'inspiration' for you all. Thanks so much for listening. I tried in vain to talk with a family member only to be told How lucky I am to have such great kids....after I told him my son had stolen my vehicle and put it in his name. BTW, it's not worth what an attorney would cost to go after it...it was taken out of state.
But in reality, the person I was talking to was just another of my abusers. That's all I have left alive of my family. Abusers.

I miss the friend who gave me this , she passed years ago. One of the things I've lost along the way is my faith, but it's a sound thought from a psychological view I suppose.

DISAPPOINTMENT

Disappointment brings discouragement.
Constant failure to realize our plans or expectations will cause us to lose confidence and hope,
and inability to handle disappointment becomes a great tool.
The following story, given to me by a friend and mentor 45 years ago,
written by Walter Knight, illustrates.

Oh Spiderlegs, that is such a good message and such a good thing to be a part of this thread too. Because while we all struggle with PTSD, that is one thing that we can all do is get very discouraged and to the point that we want to give up even. And now I could say, that if it is true what is said in this message then yes, the devil has been using that tool on me alot.

What I have noticed about everyone I have met so far that is struggling with PTSD, they are all really nice souls. And they all seem to feel they are being punished anyway. Many tend to loose faith in the struggle like you Spiderlegs. I think about that myself sometimes. But there is always something that allows me to hang on somehow. And then one night I was watching a special about the bible and how it was put together and the different things that were allowed an other things that were kept out etc. But somewhere the one message that came out to me was that the one thing that is important to be accepted into heaven is to truely know ourselves.

Well, the one thing I can say at this point is that this journey through this PTSD has definitely forced me to really slow down and get to know myself in the most profound way. And yes, the devil is always there with his prybar. Oh and yes dissapointment and discouragement is also there as well.

Oh, I remember when I first came to PC, I was so frightened and talk about shake rattle and role, I was a mess. I had very minimal computer skills and the sentiment about me joining this site was, watch out, everything you put out there stays out there, be careful, so many negetives so I was so scared at first. And I was also taking small doses of Klonopin too to help me with the awful constant bouts with day long anxiety attacks. I know I never read the whole directions for PC. Though I managed to start a thread, I didn't remember that or how I did it either. I didn't really go directly to the PTSD forum or the Victims of abuse forum either. I just seemed to at first feel bad for everyone else. Then I had a bad day and finally posted in the abuse forum and it was in someone elses thread, well I was so bad I just wanted to say something and the next thing I knew I was yelled at for hijacking someones saga thread. Oh did I feel awful that I did something wrong. Then I wondered so many times if I was good enough to be a member at PC. I wondered if I was too mentally ill to be mentally ill with everyone else here at PC.

Oh I was triggered a lot in the beginning and many times questioned whether or not to keep trying. And my computer was acting up too so I thought someone was trying to hack into it, how awful it all was.

But then I met some nice people here and they were so welcoming and understanding. Oh and in the beginning I posted so many long posts that had so many thoughts like I was this big train storming though. Oh that is how my mind was, darting though trying to push hard through the madness of daily anxiety and people around me in my family just telling me to SNAP OUT OF IT AND DEAL. Oh everyone was so angry with me outside PC, I just wanted to disappear. But there were kind words here that told me to keep trying and so I did.

When I look back, I can relate it to Alice in Wonderland. I defintely fell down some strange hole and the asortment of different people I met here, others that struggled too in many different ways, they were nice to me. And I have been stuck in that strange hole for a long time. And there was a witch or Queen actually that wanted to cut off my head but that was outside PC. I am only just starting to discuss her in Therapy now.

I have actually come a long way since then. But it has been quiet a journey this PTSD dragged me into. And we all have to do this alone, but it should not be a lonely journey outside PC. It could have been different for me at least had my family been told that what was happening to me was real and that I needed all the support they could give me. Well I am not alone in that because most of the people I have met, all seem to be abandoned. Well may that is in the devils toolbox as well.

At least I have gotten far enough along to be able to tell others that no matter what, be kind to yourself always. And try not to be so frightened on this journey, because if you just find ways to truely self sooth and not feed into it, it will not be so hard. And yes the only way out is through and be patient because that does take time. And no, it doesn't mean you are a failure either. None of it is our faults, that is not what PTSD is all about. It is not Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, it is Post Tramatic Self Discovery that takes time and a lot of self care.

Thanks Spiderlegs for sharing this with us.

(((More welcome hugs)))))
Open Eyes

He signed the paperwork via forgery. He admitted it on the mail. This is all you need to get the car back in a court of law. No, you do not need an attorney. Go to court and go to the court help center. They will print out the forms you need and you can see the on staff attorney that helps low income people. He will help you formate it, the way to write it down on the court paperwork, which he does on his computer. Then gives it ready to go to court, back to you. All for free. Do it. This is unreal. It blows me away your son would do this to his father! Stay calm, stay focused and thing about really doing this. You can get you truck back, just try. That will teach to boy dad is not someone to walk over and you will have a well needed vehicle...THAT'S ALREADY YOURS. all my best- Uthia

spiderlegs,i am also compelled to reply you.you shouldn't be involved in any fighting,that's a trigger.find a place and maintain the simple policy toward happiness:eat well and sleep well,except for those,no dealing with outside.of course with help of T right now(some meds,basic ones like risperidone),because you're not clear now.lower your tone of life or status.alright.

Cusak, you are so right, I can no longer deal with arguments, name calling, insults...just can't. Last time my kids started it I wound up in a corner screaming, begging for them to stop hurting me. Of course they say the usual...'you're crazy'. THAT has gotten to be a trigger! And I think they know it. I am merely trying to get my life in order, get them moved off my property, etc without them robbing me blind. I have done all I can to just cut off any contact with them, but that isn't easy when they're pulling your strings.

It's not worth what it would do to me emotionally, Uthia. I know all about courts, etc...that was my line of work. Each state is different...there are no 'help centers'. No atty's are provided for anyone who owns property. They will NOT recover property, only $$ can be sued for. That isn't the problem...it was licensed in one state and taken and reregistered in another state. They both say ' can't do zip for ya'. I have been trying to move from one state to the other...could get no medical treatment where I was. I put his name on some things because I thought I was dying and didn't want them to have to hassle to get the stuff. He and the internet girlfriend (350 lbs of her!) simply knew I was vulnerable and took advantage. I'm just scared now that he will do the same with everything else I own. I have no idea where he even is, so I can't serve him to sue him.

BTW, I am a 64 year old woman. He did this to his mother...who has supported him for entire life except for 2 years when he was married.

Thanks to everyone for all your suggestions. He Know he has me right where he wants me. He hooked up on line with this 'girl' who has nothing, no job, no car, no home, and she's going to get him to take everything I have if she can.

This inspired me a great deal. thank you so much for posting. you have no idea how much these words mean / you and your beloved friend (bless her) helped a complete stranger today.

Dear Rose,
I'm so glad that I did something that is appreciated! Those words have helped me so many times in the past. That lady was the only stable influence I ever had in my life. Nothing seems to be doing me much good these days. I just don't know what to do with the feelings. It's more like grief than anything else....mourning was a luxury I never could afford...too busy, to overwhelmed and it just wasn't allowed. My kid's dad used to tell me, 'your tears don't empress me.' Yes, he influenced my kids way too much.

Ok, this is what I wanted for this thread and everyone is thinking about their own tool boxes. We also see the tool boxes of others around us as well. There is also room for discussion and what new tools we could pick up to find our way through to feeling like we actually CAN get back to thriving.

From where I am now in my recovery work, I have realized that the journey of flashbacks and emotional memories have told me a story that for some reason I didn't truely see before. And I now realize that all this time I had been struggling though the cycles of ptsd because my brain never truely had solutions or tools to truely be able to resolve the different tramatic events I experienced. And as I was experiencing the things my brain never truely dealt with and just blocked somehow, I have been extremely confused and even frightened from the experience of PTSD. Lets face it, none of us could have imagined this could take place in our brains right?

Well, Spiderlegs, you have also found out that what happens as well as family and friends don't understand it either and what they do is CALL YOU CRAZY, me too. And lets face it, with these difficult symptoms we wonder ourselves.

And yes, conflict like you are discribing where others start picking on you or challenging you or even seem to need to label you selfish or crazy, that is something we try to truely avoid. Yes, it is very difficult because it can trigger us in many ways, me too.

But getting to the point where we finally see how we developed the tools we did use is very important. And it isn't always easy to look at either. But the whole reason we do have to see it is to understand that we did the best we could and it doesn't really mean we failed at life or are unworthy either.

What we all have to come to realize is that there are stages of recovery work and the first stage is very hard because we have to see what is there that really hurt and upset us in ways we truely didn't realize. And when we were all growing up there may have been voids where we didn't have the right kind of nurturing environment and had to somehow adapt on our own in order to survive and thrive.

We all seem to agree that we dont really feel like survivors at this point. There may have been a time where we thought we were surviving and had found ways to adapt to what kind of people we were experiencing in our lives. But with PTSD, we are really completely thrown and can begin to feel that NO we didn't truely Survive like we thought we did. This is what no one else around us sees, no one else understands what experiencing PTSD presents and that we cannot really "just snap out of it" like "they" seem to be able to do. And lets face it, it really puts all of us in a very vulnerable state of confusion.

However, to finally get to a place where we can truely accept a healing process, we have to understand what PTSD means. We have to understand that all human beings are designed to have the capacity to wall off the emotions and confusions that take place when tramas occur. And all human beings do not realize how the brain does this to protect itself and do what it is designed to do, have the capacity to help us find ways to adapt and survive.

Having PTSD is not about failure. What it means is that our brains are at the point where we have no choice but to stop and sort through whatever is walled off that proposed a threat to our ability to thrive. And while this is taking place, being able to thrive and continue on is extremely difficult and the reason we all want to isolate and even hide is because as we have no choice but to address this state of confusion, we ARE vulnerable.

So talking about understanding what tools we did have to work with is a part of the first stage of working through PTSD.

The next stage is grieving as we begin to realize that for some reason we didn't have certain tools and it was never our fault, we truely did the best we could. We actually begin to see a lot more than we ever truely understood before we experienced PTSD.

At this point we still don't feel like survivors and we still don't see a new way to thrive and yes we are still vulnerable. But it doesn't mean that we are not going to be able to get past this stage.

I keep saying to make sure to be kind to ourselves. And to also do our best if there is any family member that we are with that we can trust at all, get that person to the therapist so they can be told what we are truely dealing with. If that is not possible then we have to find support through therapy as well as being with others that do understand what we are experiencing and can support us as we try to work through PTSD.

And if we have toxic family or people we are exposed to, stay away from them. Forget them understanding us because they just wont. We have to be strong and do what we need to get ourselves through this for whatever length of time it takes to finally get to that place were we can even think about truely thriving again. Know that it will come with time too.

Open Eyes

Ok, so lets all take deep breaths and slow down our breathing and try to relax.

One of the things that we all talk about is "TRIGGERS" right?

Ok, so how can we think of a trigger as a tool instead of a reason to just have an emotion that is hard to deal with? What kind of response do we have with different triggers? Can you name a trigger and attach it to an emotional response?

I will start with a trigger I have. How about we bring up a big one that we all seem to stuggle with, CONFLICT.

What do you think is your biggest problem when that happens? Can you think of a recent conflict and talk about what upset you about it? Try very hard to just allow yourself to not be triggered by talking about it and know that we all have that problem ok?

Open Eyes

If you don't want to talk about that specific trigger and would like to talk about something else, that is fine too.

Open Eyes

"But getting to the point where we finally see how we developed the tools we did use is very important. And it isn't always easy to look at either. But the whole reason we do have to see it is to understand that we did the best we could and it doesn't really mean we failed at life or are unworthy either."

I've really appreciated this thread. Tools. Never really thought about them, but I really had them! I was a terribly shy child. Have caught hell for 'lying' by many people because I wouldn't look them in the eye...when you are awkwardly shy you don't do that! That was a real struggle with people.

What I did was take on a job that forced me to be 'outgoing' and assertive ( a tool, I think)...credit management and collections. Unfortunately, it was also traumatizing and my emotional reaction to most trauma has been long delayed. Had a gun pulled on me twice...called every name you can imagine.....didn't seem to bother me much then, but I couldn't do 5 minutes of it now without breaking down or screaming expletives.

When my sister was killed, I simply took care of everyone else, who were all in worse shape than me at the time. It was 35 years later when that all really hit me, when her oldest son came to stay for 3 weeks and stayed a year and scared the bejezus outta me! Talk about someone with PTSD! This poor guy has conversations, arguments with himself...in 2 distinct voices. He had an MBA, brilliant, but just can't make it with people...had me fooled until then, but could not conceive why he should have paid for any of his own food, etc. Between my own 2 dysfunctional kids and her 3 really screwed up kids, I've come to one conclusion...THEY are all triggers for me!

Ok Spiderlegs, that is good, you are thinking about some of your early tools that you used and these tools were misunderstood by others, that can happen because kid tools are not really tools that are taught by parents so kid tools mean one thing to a child and another to everyone else.

Not looking people in the eyes is fear and low self esteem Spider. Little children who are timid often don't look others in the eyes. As a matter of fact Autistic children rarely use eye contact and for years and years they were misunderstood as well.

See, no one was there to notice that and help you with that Spider so you had to do that on your own and you created another tool and that was a part of you that pushed yourself anyway even though you struggled. That is not a bad tool but when we do that on our own it doesn't always fix the fear and low self esteem properly.

Oh and you had something bad happen to you while you were pushing yourself as well so that made it much more difficult for you to truely develope that tool of trying to push yourself past your shyness and low self esteem.

This has nothing to do with intelligence you know. Plenty of shy children can be very intelligent.

Now when you comforted everyone else when your sister died, even though you were hurting yourself? Well that was because while you were shy, had some low self esteem you were also SENSITIVE too. So you were sensitive enough to try to care for the needs of others that you felt needed it more than you. And that is another tool you had in your tool box Spider, SENSITIVITY.

Now, from what little you have already shown here in your tool box I can see something about that that could have led to you being misunderstood. And I can relate to it because you WERE shy but you pushed yourself and put yourself out there.
You WERE shy but you saw enough pain in others to you again put yourself out there.
When people see this? They tend to think that you are much stronger and capable than you really are Spider. So they can begin to lean on that and if you don't provide for them they CAN and often DO begin to think that it is YOUR FAULT and YOU ARE BEING SELFISH somehow or YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER somehow.

This is what I am getting from this so far Spider correct me if I am wrong but think about it first.

Open Eyes

Ok, now I am trying to do this myself and I am discovering things about myself that I too struggle with and it may be similar to what others hear struggle with. If I say anything here that anyone feels might not be accurate that is ok, I am not a therapist here just sharing what I have been learning in my recovery that might be helpful to others here, we can all share in what we observe here.

What we all have to understand about PTSD is that this disorder does magnify everything. And what I mean by that is if we think about what hyper means in front any emotion or circumstance, it means bigger than, more focus on and more alert to.
And this includes all the emotions and sensitivities. So in other words what is a normal displeasure that many just overlook, people with PTSD don't, PTSD makes it bigger and more intense. And if we begin to pay attention to this we CAN help ourselves work on reducing these magnifications. And one of the big helpers is what we all call "TRIGGERS". And the other thing we have to pay attention to is AVOIDANCE. There are things we tend to avoid and they are hints as well and they also need to be addressed slowly as well.

I am using this thread about the tool box so that when we have things that happen to us that TRIGGER us, we all need to make a note of it because that has to do with our tool box and what might be missing or even misunderstood but others as well as ourselves.

This is not about finding our faults or failures. This is about learning how to understand ourselves better so that we can help ourselves find ways to think about the things that trigger us and work on slowly dismantling how we may be magnifying them not realizing that we can actually control it better gradually.

Rose, you talked about some things you struggle with in another thread, that should be here too. I am going to see if I can put a link here to that discussion too. Well, I don't have great computer skills so lets see.

Open Eyes

work colleagues (just a lil... Ok, I put this here lets see if it works so we can click on it and read it. Yeah, it worked oh I don't have great computer skills so there may be a better way to do this I am one of those self taught children here.

But this is a good conversation to think about too when it comes to the tool box and PTSD. I hope it is ok Rose, but your thread here is touching on "your" tool box.

Open Eyes

First, speaking of the autistic children. I'm learning so much my head is spinning! But it's all good. I have often said, tried to tell my son, that it's like how you see autistic kids portrayed on TV...cowering and covering their head in terror as if there is 'incoming'. THAT is how I feel
when the conflict inevitably comes, and often unexpected. I feel caught off guard, vulnerable. I call it the "Fog". It surrounds you, I swear I evn develop a kind of extreme 'tunnel vision' like I can't even sort out what is going on; my head is down and I'm hidin, and it takes less and less as time goes on.

As for not looking in the eyes, I didn't even realize it until probably 7 years ago. I got SO tired of being called a liar! It didn't seem to matter where or what. someone seemed to decide that I was lyin' about something 'cause I wasn't lookin' 'em straight in the eye! Then after my back/neck got so bad, I was bent over anyway, and that made it worse!
I got in a long email conversation with a body language expert, who works with doctors to see 'signs' of illness, problems, etc. I just point blank asked her, 'WHAT the hell!??' ....am I doing that everyone thinks I'm lyin'..and often stupid crap, like over the shade of a color???? She felt it is a VERY dangerous thing to assume that old wive's tale of not 'lookin' ya in the eye'. Thankfully it's finally loosing favor. I try to remember to look at people when I'm talking to them, and OH MY GAWD is that uncomfortable! Every photo of me as a child shows me head bent down.
Pathetic. I spent the first 15 years of my life watching my father try to kill my mother. I'll never understand how any of us lived through it. Probably 'cause I kept my damn head down! LOL!

" And that is another tool you had in your tool box Spider, SENSITIVITY."

Wow. Guess I never thought of sensitivity as a tool. It caused me alot more pain than not. Sadly, I'm loosing that too. There are times I just don't care anymore, about my kids or any of it.

As for you're question I don't know the answer. But it is sure worth thinking about. You ask, REAL good questions! I'm not used to anyone listening to me. I had one social worker/counselor. I knew the story of her life! That was the entire first session, he life. I kid you not. The second session, she's 1/2 hour late, and hands me a hand written, and I'm talkin' BAD chicken scratch, 'plan' of treatment for me. I couldn't read it. I told her I couldn't read it. She insists..'sign it anyway'. And this is 20 or 30 lines of 'treatment'. So, I melt down, and politely LEAVE. I find anyone trying to force me to do anything is a 'trigger'.

Wow.

"When people see this? They tend to think that you are much stronger and capable than you really are Spider. So they can begin to lean on that and if you don't provide for them they CAN and often DO begin to think that it is YOUR FAULT and YOU ARE BEING SELFISH somehow or YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER somehow. "

Years ago my daughter told me that I'm 'intimidating'...5'2"...95 lbs...YEAH, real intimidating! I was stunned. True, I had more balls than the sissy Bully men of the family. :<) I was and am SO afraid of all of them. I've NEVER laid a hand on ANY of them. But, I'm 'negative' and judgmental...I yell too much, it's the only time anyone ever heard me.

My dead x husband used to say, "Don't let your alligator mouth overload your humming bird ***." I'm a slow learner.

Good night, all, thanks, so much.

(((Spider)))

A specialist would know that looking down is not an indication of lieing. But the average person does not often read it that way. The average person thinks that if someone is telling the truth they can look you right in the eye with no problem.
So looking down (which indicates fear and low self esteem) to someone who asks you if you did something bad, would think that you were lieing and trying to hide and avoid.

The councelor must have picked up on your sensitivity and chose you to lean on. Some people that work in these fields struggle themselves. Often they choose these fields because they know the hurt and have compassion and try to help others. However often they never really learn how to help themselves.

I think that you have been trying for a long time to fight off the shyness in you and you probably appear much stronger than you really are to others, hense your daughter saying you were intimidating.

Although kids can be pretty smart and learn your sensitive weak side and take advantage as well, most people do that you know.

I know I am pretty sensitive myself and yet for a long time I was shy as well from my history that was very difficult. People thought because I wasn't outgoing in High School all the time and when I was I was really pushing myself, well they thought I was stuck up and thought I was better than everyone. Wow, I heard that long after I graduated and it floored me because it could not have been farther from the truth.

So that is what I mean about our own toolboxes. And when I see my own it helps me understand where I fall short and yet it really isn't my fault either. I did my best considering the environment I grew up in. I never felt safe growing up to be honest.

People think that just because we grow up with food and shelter we are supposed to just "grow up and deal". Well, I thought I did that, actually that is exactly what I did I grew and had to learn how to deal, deal, deal. But I didn't have it right, not my fault. So I am looking at the tools I did fashion on my own and how others misunderstand me and how I misunderstand myself and others as well.

Well, that is why I tought about this thread because that is where I am in therapy and recovery myself in a way. I have to see what is there first and what I did right and what I never really learned to utilize as a helpful tool.

You are seeing things in yourself too Spider. Cant blame you for not wanting to care, some of the things you did learn to use as tools didn't help you always be able to care and be respected as well. This happens to many and it was not their fault either. But we CAN learn slowly.

Open Eyes

"well they thought I was stuck up and thought I was better than everyone. Wow, I heard that long after I graduated and it floored me because it could not have been farther from the truth."

Oh, I've run into that several times. And I'm always stunned.

Thanks for all your good comments, Open Eyes. It has been SO good to to finally get to really talk about this.

Oh your welcome Spiderlegs, you have sure been through a lot and deserve to be validated for all the difficulties you have been through.

I actually started this thread so members could think about some of the ways they have expressed themselves in the past, the tools they used to cope and how sometimes those tools could be misunderstood by others only we who use these tools don't see it.

Maybe now that you have gotten your health back on track you can work on getting your mind back on track or even on a better track as well. And hopefully you will also be able to get your living arangements settled now as well.

Open Eyes

I'd be happy to just get something settled....Type A's like me don't deal well with someone jerking them around month after month. Your 'tool box' angle has been good for me.