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#1
Apr 12, 2012, 10:57 AM
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I have been really working hard at dealing with my own PTSD. And yes, while PTSD is a disorder that has been given this name because of the symptoms it does present, and we can all discuss these symptoms, we all have different reasons behind this disorder that lead us up to it.
All I can say is WOW this journey I have been on is unbelievable and I could have never imagined it in my wildest dreams. And yes I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about it. But there was something that was just not there and that was something I had to discover all on my own. For me it really came out when I experienced a sudden tramatic event that caused a lot of loss for me and I was going to find out that what I lost had so much meaning to it, more than I ever realized. And no one around my was going to understand it either, NOT EVEN THE PROFESSIONAL HELP I REACHED OUT TO. However that was skewed by one voice that seemed to KNOW IT ALL and yet truely had no clue and never did. And what that one voice that was listened to did to me, how it effected my treatment, how it started with a word that was so from the truth, yes, it really hurt my ability to be able to get the help I really needed. AND THAT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO A BABY GIRL WHO HAD NO WAY OF PROTECTING HERSELF. And I was going to relive it in such an unbelivable way that it unbelivable that this could take place. Well, some people have this begin for other reasons. It could just come on from having a child that comes to an age where it is reminder of a very difficult childhood that it was thought, somehow it just came and went and that person "JUST GOT OVER IT" and it was ok. And that is how it happens with so many that are presented with this condition. Well, for me what it goes back to is a baby that grew up in a very troubling environment. A baby that had two older siblings that also had problems and parents that just didn't know how to deal with it all. And the biggest problem was my older brother who had something wrong with him that no one knew about then and the constant answer was PUNISH, SPANK, PUNISH SPANK DRAG HIM OUT TO A SHED OUT BACK, CLOSE THE DOOR AND HE WOULD SCREAM. I remember my parents bringing him to a man called psychiatrist hoping to get some answers. I remember sitting in the waiting room, god I was so little too. And I only saw my brother disappear through a door and I never saw the man. But my parents were told DISCIPLINE IS THE ANSWER DON'T GIVE IN. And my mother was told DO NOT CUDDLE HIM, DO NOT BATH HIM DO NOT DO ANY OF THAT. And I can remember my mother REALLY STRUGGLING WITH THAT. I can remember her driving the car with me sitting there and she didn't realize I was listening and she was crying and saying HOW CAN I NOT LOVE MY CHILD IS THAT NOT WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN? And there were so many arguements and my father did the dicipline in the shed out back AND IT HAPPENED A LOT. And it never worked because all it did was get my brother really angry and that was going to be taken out on me. And my older sister hated him and was unhappy too and that was going to be taken out on me too. And it was not nice for a little child to go through at all. And I can remember how hard it was for my mother and the pain in her face when my brother went out to the shed and that wisper of hers that kept saying, this is wrong I dont understand, why cant I just cuddle him like I want? I NEVER FELT SAFE AND NEVER TRUELY KNEW HOW TO FEEL SAFE AND I HAD TO TRY TO DO IT ON MY OWN. But I did know love from my mother, and I seemed to know from an early age that if I told my mother what was happening to me, IT WOULD MAKE IT WORSE and she would not know what to do and I might get REALLY HURT if IT GOT WORSE. So I had to get Love from my mother where ever I could and yes I DID KNOW SHE LOVED ME. This is where my tool box formed. This is where ALL HUMANS START THEIR TOOL BOXES. And it was also a beginning of a life time of me being misunderstood as well. And it was also a tool box formed that only had certain tools I learned how to use and I always knew there were missing tools somehow. But not the way I understand it now. And this long journey with this PTSD is all about revealing all the times I had no tool to grab onto and suffered in my brain for it. And all the tramas I thought I got passed, WRONG. All that truely happened was my own brain shut out the emotional pain so I COULD CONTINUE TO SURVIVE. One of the things I do have in my tool box IS SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR OTHERS WHO FEEL PAIN TOO. And that was put there by my mother. But she missed things, important things and part of that was because she too had missing pieces in her tool box. My mother was CSA and her parents did not show her affection either. And somehow because she missed it, she did try to give it to her own children. I have LOVE in my tool box, but not everyone has that. I see that now, and I see it here too and it hit me and I didn't understand it. But if that tool is not there? Well that other person is going to DEAL a very different way than I DEAL. And that other person can EVEN BE REPULSED BY ME not truley understanding why either. Because someone who doesn't have that tool, will take much harder and almost built on anger path to surviving. Sure that other person may recognize that who hurt them or abused them and didn't put the right tools in their tool box were evil people and yes the reality of IT WAS NOT MY FAULT AND I WILL LET THAT GO AND BE STRONG can take place. However there is that one tool that will be missing as well is a real knowlege of not only what it means but how to use it or even trust it. When we struggle with PTSD that can go back to that tool box. We do relive some troubling things that come out with this PTSD, very troubling emotions and it is hard because we never really had the tools to know how to deal with that pain we are addressing in these flashbacks. That we try to learn in therapy and it takes a long time to understand and work through. Yes, CONFLICT is hard and there is often a desire to RUN away from it and OFTEN WE ARE A VICTIM when it happens EVEN MISUNDERSTOOD too. And even when we try to stand back in self protection that can be misunderstood as WE ARE SO MUCH STUCK UP BETTER THAN OTHERS. I am finally at the point in therapy and time in my healing where I finally can see and understand my own tool box and the tools that are missing. And I definitely have missing tools and in CONFLICT that is often where the tools I do use present AN OUTCOME WHERE I AM MISUNDERSTOOD. I just thought I would share this with others here and perhaps in your own way you can begin to truely look at your own tool box and also remember to be kind to yourself as you see what tools you just never had so you just didn't know how to use them and had to use other tools instead as best as you could. And this is truely not your fault, and yes you are going to have to see what you don't have, why you don't have it and then work on trying to find a way to find it on your own somehow with the patient help of a therapist. I can see it, but I am not sure how to fix it yet. That is just where I am now in my own healing and what I want to share with others. I DO NOT KNOW IT ALL, I AM LEARNING TOO. I have been working very hard at it, and yes it has been a very painful, troubling, lonely journey. If I offer hugs to you, it IS WHAT I KNOW and it is not meant for anything other than it is just that I seem to feel it is important and often it is appreciated but sometimes it is MISUNDERSTOOD TOO. Open Eyes |
 Anonymous37913, Cotton ball, Irine, mortimer, Rose76
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 amandalouise, carrie_ann, Cotton ball, Irine
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#2
Apr 13, 2012, 11:18 AM
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Hey, Open Eyes! You are making wonderful progress! My T has never discussed my "tool box" of skills in his treatment of PTSD. It appears to be a very useful way of looking at things. (I see my T tomorrow after having 2 weeks off while he was on vacation.) I have found several recent articles posted here at PC very helpful and have downloaded their content so that I can refer to them as needed. Keep up the good work!!!
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| Open Eyes
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#3
Apr 13, 2012, 02:22 PM
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(((unhappyguy)))), Thank you for seeing where I am somehow and even being able to relate that to yourself as well. My therapist didn't come up with this term I am using I did that all on my own, but I am not surprised it may have been written about somewhere, my therapist always asks me if I read different books but I havent. I think that is a good sign that I am not completely mad.
 When I went to my T yesterday I talked a lot about being a victim of abuse. He stopped me and told me to try to allow myself to say that I am a survivor. And I even thought about putting up a thread about that to be honest. Before this big trama happened throwing me into the PTSD, I could have said I was a survivor, and I thought that I was to be honest. But when I went through the trama and presented with shock and ended up in the psychward, I did become a big time victim in ways I could have never imagined. And one thing that happened is that because I was so exhausted and I didn't even know I was in shock, well, my know it all sister had to send them in the wrong direction. And sadly, even though I truely said all the right things that should have clearly, without question, told them what was really wrong? That input from my sister sent me down a path of me being punished for something that I truely could not help. And it wasn't just the hospital, but she came to visit me and YELLED at me and that is not something I would recommend doing with anyone in shock. And then it spread from there to my own family, even my own daughter and instead of them getting to hear what I was really dealing with, they were so mean to me and talk about abuse, WOW. From where I am now looking back, I don't know how I made it because I was in a very dangerous state of mind unhappyguy. And I was punished for something I didn't understand, fell deeper and deeper into and it was so unfair and down right cruel. And finally when I found this T, and he met with my husband and told him this was serious, that is when I at least got some support so I could try to heal. And the big clue that my husband didn't get how bad it was? He left a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed even after I told him I just wanted to end several times. And if the psychward didn't listen to my know it all sister and paid attention better, it could have been much different. If they saw it and talked to my family about what I was struggling with and didn't allow my sister to come in an YELL at me to "SNAP OUT OF IT AND STOP WHINNING" wow, it didn't have to get so bad. To be honest, I have never felt so violated in all my life, and let me tell you I had some bad things happen to me. And I can understand why hearing someone say to me to remember I SURVIVED didn't help any. And with all the flashbacks and body memories and severe bouts of anxiety that is also memories that go all the way back, saying I survived just doesn't seem comforting. Because all of these terrible memories along with the unbelievable emotions in them, wow, thinking I actually survived feels like it never really was survival and I feel like I was betrayed somehow. And I think anyone who is struggling with PTSD and even worse, combat PTSD, it is hard to work through because PTSD makes it feel like we are ruined and that no one could ever understand what it means and feels like. I am only at the point where I can verbalize this now. And I am not sure that addressing someone with that word is the right thing to do. Maybe I would say, yes, you lived through something terrible but now you are going to work on the hardest part to where you can finally feel that you did survive and not only that, that inspite of how hard it still seems now, you will finally get to a point where you will again be able to thrive. And when I went to my regular GP thinking I could just have him refill my Klonopin perscription and he basically THREW my records at me in anger. That was the first time I saw words that were so wrong. But it took me time to put it all together and it was so hard on me. And then when I made an expensive appointment with a psychiatrist (cost $500) I had seen in outpatient to discuss my concern about my records? He looked at me so seriously and said, "YOU ARE A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD WOMAN". But unhappyguy, HE WOULD NOT SAY ANYTHING MORE, NOR WOULD HE SEE ME TO EXPLAIN. I had NO IDEA what he meant. And I would never do that to someone, I would make sure that I took time with that person and got them on the right track as well and make sure their family understood it as well. You know, now everyone is so dam worried about their liability that the truth doesn't come out and THE PATIENT REALLY SUFFERS FROM THAT. And yes, he saw it, but he wouldn't admit to it. And wow did I have to suffer and suffer for something I truely could not help and struggled to understand. And I nearly took my own life because of it, THAT IS WRONG!!!! And this is not just about me either. I see other people struggling with this and dealing with unsupportive family too and having to find a way to survive while in the throws of this PTSD too. And I have been doing that too, and somedays I just can't seem to do it, I am worn out. And I just don't think that is right. Because it is a challenge and the right atmosphere to work through it is crucial in my opinion. Well, I was in a confrontation recently and again I was misunderstood. And I had been triggered many times and I basically just took that as it being my issue and to learn from it because it is a part of this PTSD. And it got the point where I really wanted to say something but I didn't want to do it in private because with a history of abuse, that only opened a door where I could be involved in a situation that could hurt me. And it just blew up in my face and I did address it in a more public manner and I got punished for that. And that whole thing just brought out where it all lead back to as well. It happened to me growing up and it happened to me in the psychward and every time I tried to speak up while I was suffering from something I honestly could not help. And every single time I was punished. And that is how I truely began to see where it all started and what I have in my own tool box. Well, that is why I started this thread so others could think about it as well, not just my toolbox the way I am discribing it, but to see how to maybe look at themselves the way I have and at least give themselves a break for something they had no control over. Because right now, my brain is not thinking it survived anything yet, it is still struggling every day and until I see the real victim and this tool box I formed and used up to this point, I am going to be stuck. If I am going to truely think "survivor" I have to understand it better and see what I have, how I can add to it somehow and use that to begin to thrive again. Right now I honestly don't have a sense of thriving yet. And to be honest, other than my husband finally getting how to support me rather than basically mentally punishing me like he had been doing, I do have a ways to go yet. And that is going to be hard because the rest of my family is still punishing me and it gets really hard on the holidays. So, I try to share what ever I learn, and welcome any thoughts and ideas on it. So, thanks unhappyguy for your kind supportive thoughts. Open Eyes |
| Anonymous33145, Anonymous37913, happiedasiy
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| amandalouise, Cotton ball, haier, happiedasiy, jenluv
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#4
Apr 13, 2012, 04:46 PM
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hi open eyes just read this whole thing and i relate to so much. i was also in the hospital too and i had a doc tell me i was a "very sick young lady". i am also judged and dismissed as crazy mostly by family. i am also told to "get over it" indirectly by friends directly by family...i like the thought of having a toolbox and i wish i could have good tools but right now truth is they are not good. in my toolbox i have denial, self hatred (it actually helps me to survive) by hating myself i choose not to focus on real hateful things so i feel it's ok. my toolbox also contains wishes, dreams, fairytales of me..of the me i'm not. the ability to numb and go away (i do this a lot even though i'm not in any real danger.) thank you for sharing this. i had a really hard day today. reading this helped me in a way.
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| Cotton ball, jenluv, Open Eyes
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| Coraline, Cotton ball, jenluv
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#5
Apr 13, 2012, 05:40 PM
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Open Eyes, thank you for such thoughtful, well-written words of wisdom. And for sharing.
Your post really inspired me. I have a hard time thinking of myself as a survivor, as well. Maybe later, I will be able to really take that in and accept it. But for now, my mind rejects that term wholeheartedly. Perhaps it's because it's not the right word for me: I survived over and over and over - and over - before. Until that final blow that broke me down to absolutely nothing. literally nothing. However, with the help of a teeny ray of hope, my T, P, PC and less than a handful of people, I think of myself now as surviv-ing. (some days better than others). What/who am I now? I know: - I am not my diagnosis. - I am not crazy. - There is nothing "wrong" with me. - I am definitely not my career (if I were, I'd be in BIG trouble. I would NEVER heal  )Bottom line is that I think I am a sometimes numb, sometimes raw, sometimes terrified, sometimes OK shell-person hanging on just trying to make it through the day. Somewhere in my mind, though, I know I have to be working to build a solid foundation on which to base my life so I CAN thrive (not just survive). Whether we know it or not, I think most of us here on PC are in the same boat and we are fighters. FIGHTING to survive, to get through, so we can thrive. 
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| carrie_ann, Cotton ball, happiedasiy, Open Eyes
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| carrie_ann, Cotton ball, haier, happiedasiy, jenluv, Open Eyes
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#6
Apr 13, 2012, 05:51 PM
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(((Oh haier))),
That is just not being fair to you as a human being. And this is what disturbs me. I am struggling and I was actually further abused for having something real, really dibilitating and that is just not right. And this is not about me, it is that I have come to recognize that pretty much all the others I come across that struggle like me are alone and abandoned or are still struggling with ongoing abuse by ignorant family members. Oh, and the advice about getting away from the toxic people? Well how can someone do that when they have no income or a means to truely do that, it is not like someone can get away and jump up and take on the world. There is just not enough awareness about this disorder and if there was, maybe people diagnosed with it could get the support they really need to work through it, because lets face it, it is hard work, and there is no cake walk in healing from PTSD. And what makes me even sadder, it that most if not all the people I have met that struggle with it, ARE NICE PEOPLE. And yes haier, sadly I can relate to unsupportive friends too. And that hurt me as well, I miss my friends that I used to call and talk to on the phone, but they dont get what I have and any mention of it, they are actually mean and acuse me of luxuriating in it or one friend just came at me and wanted to pick a fight. Oh I don't know how I made it home from that dinner out to be honest. She wanted me to go back to giving to HER all the time and honestly it was a rude awakening. That is what everyone seemed to want, they just couldn't see that I had to take a time out to deal with this crippling thing called PTSD. People just dont get it and yes, they want you to SNAP OUT OF IT. Oh, if only right? And I DO keep telling myself that at least they know about it and are studying it. But there really has to be much more awareness. I can't blame people for their ignorance, I don't know if I could have understood the depths of this had I not experienced it for myself. But I might have if there was more awareness about it. My therapist has told me many times that I am very intuitive about other people. Yes that is in my tool box, but how that came to be is not a pleasent picture to be honest. And, well, I don't want to be reminded of it because it is remembering a lot of pain and cruelty too. Well, we have each other to lean on and know we are not alone. I pray all the time that there will be some movie or big documentary on how difficult it really is to be honest. While there have been snipits here and there, when they did the 911 specials and there was an HBO special about a female vet with it, that was only a snipit, not enough. ((((Hugs to all that need one)))) And my constant message is to be kind to yourselves and keep trying, if you need to lean, come and lean here. Open Eyes |
| Anonymous33145, haier, happiedasiy
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| Cotton ball, haier, happiedasiy, Iamwho
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#7
Apr 14, 2012, 10:05 AM
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open eyes i think all this that you said is correct. i agree it's not just about me either. i came here looking for release, i wrote my deepest darkest thoughts and i was surprised to see others like me. it is so hard to deal with this. you keep saying ptsd...but to me it goes so much deeper than that. i think they use ptsd as a label because even professionals can't say the words..the trauma and the abuse. if you say "i have ptsd" it's so much easier than to say "hey, i was horribly abused in every way imaginable". i think that is where my pain comes from. that they don't want to hear this, or know, or acknowledge. i read about dysfunctional families. how we are programmed into staying, as an adult have just realized i have been programmed for abuse my whole entire life. i am an adult and i still fear my mother, she still has so much control over me. i have just come to this realization. what you said about not being able to get away...it's all part of it. they break you to the point you feel worthless unable to progress. yes, we are nice people. i am very nice and caring. but not everyone is. there is a very few of us who are and who are able to break out of the dysfunctional. i have a large family...only a few of us are actually decent. i think we are rare but we are the hope. i realize i am alone but i would much rather be alone than be a part of a pack of wolves..ready to devour whatever comes their way. i do not wish to inflict pain on others because i have come to realize that i am more alive than ever because i actually feel my pain enough to not inflict it on others. you taught me this open eyes. i'm not the numb one, THEY ARE. they are the crazy ones because they can't see the truth. i think i am intuitive too. but i think it's more of a percautionary thing. a trust thing. it is part of ptsd. constantly on the lookout, eyeing everyone around you, analyzing everything and everybody, listening to others conversations, trying to figure people out....all so you are able to react when the worst happens. because we are so used the worst happening. so scared of it happening. so this is indeed a tool we use..we are always on "watch" always "ready". always in crisis mode. i am constantly physically and emotionally tired. thank you open eyes. i feel better knowing i have someone to lean on. knowing you are here and you understand. i am here for you. |
| Anonymous33145, happiedasiy, Open Eyes
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| happiedasiy, Open Eyes
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#8
Apr 14, 2012, 11:15 AM
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Quote:
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| Anonymous33145, haier, Open Eyes
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| haier, Open Eyes
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#9
Apr 14, 2012, 11:46 AM
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((((haier)))),
Ok, I am glad that you are connecting with this tool box search. Yes, we DO have a lot in common here. And if you think about it, you did survive in many ways and how you did that was and still is in your tool box now. This is what you are really examining haier. I am struggling along too and it is very comforting to hear someone say me too. And it is sad too because that means I am also intimately aware of how much you and others are struggling too. And one of the things I did question where others do agree is this word that is often used in trama work, SURVIVOR. Because from where we are all now, yes, it doesn't feel like it and we all do feel betrayed. Well, bear with me because I have also realized something else in my tool box. And that is how I write long posts. And the one thing I could never seem to do somehow is shorten messages, thoughts, communications like others do. And I do appreciate anyone's efforts to read through my long thoughts. I know that often with PTSD it can be hard following long thoughts like this. So I hope you can do your best. I have realized why the word SURVIVOR is so hard to connect to when we are struggling with PTSD. I think that if we all look back we can say that at some point up to being strickin with PTSD we did think that we survived. And through dealing with PTSD we feel betrayed because now we can't seem to do that for some reason. And the tools we had don't seem to work anymore somehow or maybe we see how clumbsy they were too. Well, after giving this a lot of thought I have realized that YES I did survive and adapt and that IS what we all have the capacity to do as human beings. But now, looking back the history of abuse or environment that was not "safe" and nurturing the way I needed presented me with an injury that I had to work around, hense the tool box. Yes haier, I believe you, I believe that you have the capacity to see the depths of pain in others, and yes, you developed a deeper sence than the average person and it probably lead others to misunderstand you as well. Sure I can see how you would think of PTSD as just some kind of diagnosis that is somehow only a mere word that says, "We know the symptoms, it comes with trama and here is how we have learned how to help those that struggle" And yes, I can see how you may feel that some of how you struggle might be dismissed or even a sentiment of how someone may not want to deal with it in some way. Well, I feel that too haier and I have to say that there ARE going to be different ways we did fashion our toolboxs. Yes, we may have slightly different tools for different reasons but the bottom like is whatever is there is how we adapted that is so threatened right now. I can say now with a certainty at my point of what may be called recovery work is that I now see the tools more and more in a completely different way. And for some reason because I am struggling with PTSD I can't seem to use these tools the same way anymore. And this is what most PTSD sufferers feel and struggle to understand as well as explain. What I have felt is that this last trama blew that all apart and I have become more aware than ever in how I am somehow disabled. And YES I have some very weak unstable tools and because others around me don't get PTSD it has weakened me even more. This is where I get angry because I know that it is not only me that struggles with this. haier, this therapy, this time that we are all trying to understand and work through PTSD is going to boil down to areas where we are finally going to see things we THOUGHT we had developed ways to adapt to and survive. And yes we are going to see the weakness and pain in it all in a very different way, something NONE of us could imagine, and YES RIGHT NOW WE ARE ALL VERY VULNERALBE AND CONFUSED WITH ALL KINDS OF EMOTIONS. But, as we do see this and it can be so overwelming we all have to come to an understanding that some of our tools DID ACTUALLY HELP US ADAPT AND SURVIVE. Now, even though we feel stripped of them and see their deficits and even realize our true weaknesses. We all have to make sure that we do not give up and consider ourselves no longer worthy of survival. And this is very hard to get past because there are some very troubling feelings that go with all of this, and yes it can be very depressing as well. But DO remember that every single person owns a tool box and the tools they use are not always perfect either. Even those we seek help with, "therapists" have their tool boxes too. And yes it takes them time to really examine our tool boxes with us and then begin to work with us and see what strenth we had in our tools and what tools are no longer going to work for us. Then, together with us we are going to have to design new tools. YES, this is very hard and tiring to do and the thought of it can be daunting. This is where we have to be VERY KIND TO OURSELVES and VERY FORGIVING AS WELL. Me too, I am not at the point where I am finished looking at my tools and where some of them were fashioned wrong in some ways, ways that other people do not seem to understand. I hear you, we are all in the same boat with that. But haier, you CAN adapt again, but this is GOING TO TAKE TIME and we are all different yet share the struggle. And yes, all of us are going to feel very vulnerable during this whole process of what is called RECOVERY. Open Eyes |
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#10
Apr 14, 2012, 12:11 PM
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Open Eyes, Rose P, Haier, UnhappyGuy, Uthia, Cotton ball Roz G
NEVER before have I heard our Traumas explained with such elegance and beauty from the victims. These words need to be shared with the world! I personally hate when called a survivor, it's a heavy burden, I prefer I am surviving! Thanks Rose P insightful, thank you! Open Eyes wow, you got it! Haier, all the tools you need are in you and I wish you well in your healing. Unhappyguy, I dont know you well but look forward to. Uthia, I am here for you. Sometimes people need therapy indefinitely and if so, thats not a bad thing. I was hurt at work/broken neck and from the non treatment from workers comp the third party Doctor said the trauma from not being treated in a timely matter caused my emotional breakdown. So the insurace company is on the hook for lifetime treatment/meds. They are paying for everything. And to all here may we continue to grow, learn, and share from one another. I am sooo late, I'd like to say more, Be back Monday Be Happy! Have a peaceful weekend all.
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Happiedasiy, Selfworth growing in my garden
Last edited by happiedasiy; Apr 14, 2012 at 12:42 PM. |
| Anonymous33145, Anonymous37913, haier, Open Eyes
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| haier, Open Eyes
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#11
Apr 14, 2012, 02:33 PM
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open eyes..when i first started therapy i asked my therapist not to use the word trauma. i realize i don't want to face that i do have trauma or that the events were traumatic. so we don't use that word. i think this goes with the denial. it makes me sad. also the survivor word, i don't like it. i feel mocked by it in a way. you said it, there's betrayal in the word itself because it feels like were still being victimized over and over again. i am unable to embrace because being a survivor means that i had to survive something..this is a threat to the lies i tell myself. that it wasn't so bad, that i deserved or asked for it in some way. that's my stance on the word. i think when you say we are vulnerable and confused...it hurts to read that. it really does. because i don't want to be that little skinny, scrawny abused little girl. and yet i am. i hope i can recover. it feels so faraway. open eyes i love reading what you write. i like that it's long. i thank you for reaching out because by you reaching out i feel compelled to do so too. thank you. |
| Open Eyes
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#12
Apr 14, 2012, 03:20 PM
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__________________
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| Open Eyes
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#13
Apr 14, 2012, 05:07 PM
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really hard,it's already been hard when you're not traumaed,less and less hold-on-to or grab-onto,still,after reading all the above,i ask what is the first thing to do with trauma?yea.
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| Open Eyes
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#14
Apr 14, 2012, 05:41 PM
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"And to be honest, other than my husband finally getting how to support me rather than basically mentally punishing me like he had been doing, I do have a ways to go yet. And that is going to be hard because the rest of my family is still punishing me and it gets really hard on the holidays."
I really enjoyed your posts. I'm new to the forum and have a lot to learn. Never had the time or money to get real treatment. Was never able to convince my family that PTSD exists. They understand the traumas I've been through and feel I must be crazy because of it, but shouldn't be scared to death when they lie, cheat, steal, threaten. That's the state of my situation.....Me being pissed off at them and usually hiding from them and them calling me crazy. I was very physically ill..down to 85 lbs, got scared and put everything I own with my sons name on it. Then I got a new doctor, new meds and started getting my 'gut' problem (fructose intolerance...can ya believe that after 30 years of Pain!) under control. Now weigh 97 lbs! My 35 year old son took my pick up without my knowledge or permission 6 wks ago. Won't return it or tell me where it is and today I got an email where he says he has had it put into his name only. I have no idea where he is...met an internet 300 pound 'woman' and moved in with her. And they can't see why they scare me to death. It's always some crap like this with both kids. He had to forge the title, right? Do I call the cops? who? Should I??? Bottom line is, my family causes me trauma if I have anything to do with them. The choice of Trauma or being excluded from everything you've ever known is a constant trigger. I need any kind of direction anyone can give me. |
| Anonymous33145, Anonymous37913, happiedasiy, Open Eyes
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#15
Apr 14, 2012, 06:55 PM
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Hmm that is a good question cusack a lot depends on what you have worked on so far, where you feel that you have so little to hold onto or grab onto. Some people have more things in their past that they have to sort through, some people have a major accident that can bring through past tramas as well. And I am not sure trama is the best word to use here to be honest I use it for myself because so much came forward after I experienced this past big trama. I honestly didn't realized how my past had effected me the way it is presenting to me now. I have a feeling that is what happens to others as well. And I can see how others identify with me on this now. Maybe this thread is helping us all to think about it in a different way, different then we do in therapy. I know that my therapist has treated other patients for PTSD and he is well read on it. But, I also know he doesn't experience it personally, so I try very hard to discribe it to him as much as I can. I think we all do that, seem to have this strong desire to want others to know how it feels to experience it. Lets face it, it is such a challenge and yes it can be scarey too. I wanted to share what I experience how I am thinking about it and seeing it differently as I go along. I can say it hasn't been pleasant to look at my own flaws or way I had coped and didn't really realize. And it doesn't necessarily have to be trama, I think it could start with a trama and in an effort to find safety we can see how in ways we never learned that. Or maybe the ways we did learn it were not typical of a normal healthy upbringing. Maybe someone had a mother who was selfish and cold and didn't show an interest so in that, well, there is a hole maybe someone didn't realize they had. While we all share these crippling symptoms, we all have slightly different histories where there was some kind of deficit we didn't realize affected us the way it did. So to answer your question, you have to pay attention to what triggers you and see if you can find out what that comes from, and it is not always easy either. But the one thing that I hear the most is how little support others give those that struggle with PTSD. That is what I find very troubling that I feel has to change for the person who is trying to work through PTSD. And for me, it is loud an clear on the holidays, and I know everyone that I know of seems to suffer as well. What I have come to realize myself is that there were always hints of it here and there. I was always asked why I could never forget the past. And no, I always seemed to have to add the bad experiences together. Well, I finally realized that is what I also did when I was very little so I never learned how to get over anything. And sadly I had to remember to survive somehow. And the other thing people always said to me is that I am not a very good multitasker. Well, I find that if too much comes at me all at once, well I can get short tempered and frustrated. Now, I can see where that came from, my environment as a child, lots of arguing and confusion that my little brain could not handle all at once. And how I deal now, is, well, that difficulty is magnified now. I noticed that last weekend while out with my husband. I am often slow and methodical, he doesn't like that and seems to feel he needs to push me by constantly directing me. Well, guess what, I get REAL short tempered now and even bitc*y. And I get that short temper before I can stop it. And now I am trying to appologize and work on trying to think before that happens, it is hard. But that is reaching back in my toolbox, I have always only truely been a deep methodical thinker, but that is how I managed when I was so little. I think that we have to be in touch with how we learned to adapt without having the right kind of nurturer or sense of safety we needed to develope normal skills. After all we are all designed to adapt somehow. I just never realized how I was different in ways. And it isn't ALL bad, it is just different. Open Eyes |
| happiedasiy
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| cusack10
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#16
Apr 14, 2012, 08:01 PM
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I am glad to hear you got your fructose intolerance figured out and are now able to put on some weight. Oh, I can relate to having a health issue for several years, complaining of the pain and not having the doctors help me until I got real bad. Oh, this sense of a shortened life does come with the PTSD just so you know. As far as you putting things in your sons name, that IS a problem and you may need an attorney to protect whatever else he can take as his. Sorry to also say "MONEY MAKES PEOPLE DO STRANGE THINGS". And that is true of many people sadly. And this behavior pattern of just thinking you are crazy? Well that happened to me as well and yes my family will NOT take the time to understand WHAT HAVING PTSD MEANS either. And they have even said I am using it as an excuse. Yes, sadly I also had to step back from my family because it was just too harmful to me and my thoughts were not good at all. Spiderlegs, you are going to have to find a good therapist that treats patients with PTSD. As you work with this therapist and discuss what has been going on, it may be possible for you to reclaim whatever was taken from you as well as put things that belong to you back in your name. I am not a lawyer, but when you did that you were not in the mindset that truely understood what you were doing and that you not only had PTSD but your health was bad as well. I hope you will continue to come an talk and don't worry that you may be behind in understanding PTSD, everyone is working on it and we all share and vent here. You will find that when you do come, others here will relate to you in a way that you need to be related to. Yes, it can be very lonely and yes, often family members can be extremely unsupportive. (((Hugs))) Open Eyes |
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#17
Apr 14, 2012, 08:07 PM
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((((Uthia))),
I see you are new to PC as well, welcome. You now have someplace to come and ask questions and get support for whatever you need to vent and share. Give therapy some time, get to know your therapist and build a trust with him/her. No rush to cover everything, this is going to take time. You may want to start by learning some good grounding methods that can help you as you begin to open up and address the things that come bubbling up or are already there. ((((Hugs))))) And don't ever feel like you have to know more here, no question is a dumb question ok? We are all working and asking and sharing and venting too. Open Eyes |
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#18
Apr 15, 2012, 12:13 AM
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" I am glad to hear you got your fructose intolerance figured out and are now able to put on some weight. Oh, I can relate to having a health issue for several years, complaining of the pain and not having the doctors help me until I got real bad.
Oh, this sense of a shortened life does come with the PTSD just so you know." Thanks for our reply. Figures that would be a PTSD feature! At a certain point you really wonder how you survive it all ( and I don't like the term 'survivor' either...not sure what is better). I've been battling bad body for 40 years. Auto accident..fractured skull, crushed pelvis, dislocated knee, neck, sacroiliac, Internal injuries. More physical abuse from too many people after that. The bad car wreck...I was a passenger, was a year after my only sibling, my older sister was murdered in front of her kids and my mother. 2 1/2 years ago I finally had to have reconstructive/removal 'female' surgery.. and since then was given bad antibiotic that blew out my tendons, sacroiliac separated. sciatica like ya wouldn't believe and constant diarrea and pain like labor pains. For 35 years they treated my back, bone problems with drugs. I simply cannot take any of them any more. Side effects are always terrible and my pancreas just can't process them. 6 months of that then I got shingles.... 5 mos. ago they diagnose me with copd and it's because of mold from the new place I've been trying to move into for a year. Now I have to move out. I had to move here to get medical care because my other home is very remote, but at least I could breath there! it's just been a blast with the kids causing hell every chance they get. They were going to 'care' for the other place to live there free....they destroyed it. So I'm paying for 2 homes, neither of them livable and half my stuff in each one....what they didn't ruin. I'm sorry, I could go on for days! What good does it do, really? My PTSD traumas never seem to end. I don't even dream of a 'cure', I just want them to stop! I need a break BAD Do you all feel 'therapy' is helping...seems you've all been at it a long time. [/quote] |
| Anonymous33145, Anonymous37913, Open Eyes
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| Open Eyes
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#19
Apr 15, 2012, 07:37 AM
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Oh (((((Spiderlegs))))), you have been through so much challenge, yes, I am sure you COULD go on for a while about it all. And I think that you DO need to be able to do that and get validated for your constant struggles that are BIG struggles.
Do you have ANYONE that helps you that is on your side and supportive? And if you don't, then you are not alone in that, others here are dealing with that as well as I mentioned. However they CAN tell you that they HAVE found help by reaching out to Therapists. It can take some time to find a good therapist, but once you do they can be such a lifeline. When I met with my current therapist I told him that it was important for him to believe me, like you, I had a long list bottled up in me. I told him that if he didn't believe me than it was a waste of his and my time to continue with therapy. And my therapist agreed and told me that I should consider his room my safe place. And Spiderlegs, for several sessions I filled his room with so many difficult things I had been through and were invalidated in different ways. Now looking back at the period in therapy I can compare it to a child that finally found someone to listen and the child was basically saying, THIS HAPPENED, IT WAS BAD, I WAS SCARED, NO ONE LISTENED, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? After a while I finally realized that my therapist was taking the place of a father figure where I could finally GO AND TELL, TELL AND TELL, because I didn't have that before, many things I just shoved inside me and tried to find ways to keep going. And all the while I was shoving I thought that it was what people had to do, grown ups had to "JUST" handle it and stop whinning and move on. And everyone around me kept telling me to "JUST GET OVER IT AND DEAL". And everytime I could not seem to do that, I was considered some kind of big baby and I was dismissed and left with a feeling like it was all my fault for struggling. As I am writing this, I can see all the faced of people that looked at me in invalidating anger and dismissal. And now? Now I finally realized that I was tramatized and NEVER GIVEN ANY GRIEF COUNCILING. And it happened over and over again in my life. And yet, when something bad happens to people in a school or work place, THE FIRST THING THAT IS DONE IS GRIEF COUNCELING IS SET UP. Spiderlegs, YES, I think that you need to find a good therapist that you can trust to vent everything you are saying here and all the other things you could go on about as well. You need to be heard, NOT DISMISSED AND EVEN ABANDONED or to HAVE YOUR DIFFICULT LIFE invalidated or used against you by relatives. This difficulty with this word or phrase used, " YOU SURVIVED" "IS" hard because while we may have physically survived somehow, we didn't feel like it then or now psychologically. And that is what "trama therapy" is all about. That is the one thing that was always missing, for you, me and many others. And yes, the common complaint from those suffering from PTSD is a desire for their brains to settle down and have some peace and comfort. And we never truely had the ability to "JUST" get over it like everyone seemed to think should be done. And with the time I have been in therapy and got to LET SO MUCH OUT, I have come to realize that I didn't truely know how to do that before and " IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT EITHER". You DO deserve to have a SAFE place and finally get a support system in place that you should have had all along. And part of that is what you are doing right now, reaching out to others who understand what you are saying when you talk about the daily challenge with PTSD. It is time for you to be VALIDATED and SUPPORTED and HAVE THERAPY for a VERY REAL struggle that you deserve to work through. And with that support and sense of being finally understood, some of the daily sense of loss and abandonment and invalidation will begin to ease up. So yes, I do feel that if you find a good therapist and reach out to establish a good support system and distance yourself from the relatives that continue to invalidate and abuse you will really help you. This is what I am constantly seeing as I continue to work through therapy and learn about PTSD. Those that suffer are often avoided and misunderstood and even further abused in a lot ways they truely do not deserve. And the way to finally healing is to no longer SELF PUNISH with a sense of guilt and wonder of why we cannot seem to overcome somehow. We have to shed the shame we carry and give ourselves true permission to finally work on healing. (((Hugs))) Open Eyes |
| happiedasiy
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#20
Apr 15, 2012, 08:18 AM
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hi spiderlegs. i felt compelled to reply. you have been through SO MUCH! i'm so incredibly sorry for all your physical and emotional pain. truly, i am. i feel touched by your story. with that being said, this that you describe, the way others treat you, this is why you need help. i'm not a professional but i try my best to help myself and i do a lot of reading. i read about dysfunctional families. this is what they talk about when they say "toxic people"...they are dysfunctional. they are not right. we are raised believing things which are not true. sometimes when we have been hurt so badly we believe we don't matter, we don't deserve, we are not important. because in the abuse these messages were relayed to us. we had to believe this so that we could be hurt over and over. i have a very hard time with this. this way of thinking is what makes us choose certain lifestyles which only encourage this way of thinking. it's hard to break the cycle when you have no idea how the things that happened in our childhood affect us into adulthood. in regards to your question.."therapy" DOES HELP. this is the break you need. you need therapy to understand how your choices are affecting your life today. it is very scary but you learn you make life changing realizations. if you can i would strongly encourage you to please seek help. you do not need to suffer with this. you deserve help, you need not be alone with it. it's hard but it helps. yes, some have been at it a long time...but it's ok because some have more to figure out than others. if you get sick you take medication depending on what illness you have, you go to the dr. in order to get better. it's the same with mental health. i thank you for reaching out and asking those questions because in doing so you helped me make some important realizations. i am here for you. |
| Open Eyes
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| Open Eyes
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#21
Apr 15, 2012, 10:45 AM
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I just want to say that I am very happy with how this thread is going everyone. I think it is good for all of us to look at what I call "our toolboxes" and compare it with others so we can all see how much we are "a part of" a big group of people and not as alone as we all feel IRL. I honestly feel this is GOOD THERAPY because with this disorder we all have to find ways to allow ourselves to have ways to connect instead of feeling like we don't have a way of doing that somehow with other people.
One of the things that does stand out to me is how we can all struggle so much with CONFLICT, that often we are misunderstood, invalidated, or denied. This is something that is in my own toolbox that I always had great difficulty with. For me, growing up from the time I was so little, all I saw around me was a lot of conflict in my family. For me, most of that revolved around my brother who struggled with something wrong with him that at the time was not known. And because of that my brother was a constant victim because he was constantly often grossely diciplined for something he could not help. As I mentioned, there was enough love present that I did know what that meant, I understood that somehow I WAS worthy of it and that it was a nice thing and very comforting, so I did know on some scale what it meant. But the rest was so unbelievably confusing to me and to be honest, now that am looking back through this PTSD, I have come to realize that I struggled to "feel safe". And the bus ride every single day to school was so hard on me, and I see it more now than I have ever before, now I experience the pain of it that I somehow concealed unknowingly. And as I remember how really hard it was, I also remember that the bus driver never stopped it, and somedays it was so hard to see the face of my brother showing so much pain and anger and frustration. Yes, I can remember studing faces and having to know what these faces were saying. And I really had to do that to survive as well. As I mentioned my brother could only take so much, and it was everywhere he went, home, on the bus and in school. And I always had this burning question ever since I can remember, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN? And I really could not understand that because I never had the desire to be mean to anyone, ever. The one thing that I am reliving through this PTSD is so much pain and fear and anger and anxiety that I had at different stages in my life. And the awful part is IT WAS ALWAYS THERE. Yes, I did find ways to adapt to this troubling history, the history of my own brain searching for ways to survive. But now I can see the vulnerabilities that, while I did experience them, I also managed to hold back the years of being emotionally crippled by things that took place in my environment that were not nurturing and healthy at all. I never truely learned how to fight back physically, no one ever taught me and every time I did try, I was just too overpowered. And I can remember one time I was out with my friends and one of my friends was really beautiful and we were in a restroom and there were some girls that decided to attack her physically. I froze and could not seem to help her and she got mad at me. I didn't know what to say and I did feel a loss in my incapacity to do so. Now, I realize that I froze for a reason, I had been beaten everytime I had tried to fight back since I was little. And I always had an exaggerated startle response to people raising their hands in ways that appeared as any remote kind of physical attack on me. I have been made fun of for this over the years and I honestly didn't know why and often just dismissed it. Well, now I know why and I am surprised how I seemed to block that out, truely not connecting the dots. And I might have mentioned, I cannot multitask really, and that is there too because there was not enough safety or quiet in my youth to develope that properly in my brain. Yes, there was too much conflict going on around me that I had to focus on. And now, with the PTSD, that difficulty has been magnified. And for years I have been picked on for that. I do well with many things but not as good with more than just maybe two things at a time. And I can get angry when I am pushed to do too much at once. I never understood why I would work up into an anger when pushed too much in that area, now I see it, and I probably already said it here. Another constant critque of me has been the comment, "OE, you are always looking over your shoulder, you have to learn how to calm down and stop that". I did notice that but I didn't realize how much that was hard wired into my brain. I didn't truely consciously realize how that formed. Oh, and "OE, why do you care so much about other people, just think about yourself and let them figure out how to deal with their struggles etc." And I see where the comes from as well, it was that burning question I always had, I hated seeing abuse and YES I was afraid of my brother but I also knew he was suffering too. I was suffering and there was also the understanding of love in there as well. Yes, I could never ignore something I knew intimately what it felt like to struggle with. So while I did manage to survive so much, so I truely thought, this last big trama presented me with connecting to emotional struggles that I never realized my brain had storred the way it did. Yes, it is hard to understand the way I am struggling now. So I think that if we can all address that part of this struggle with PTSD, and even see what we can share about that, I think that we can also learn to not consider ourselves failures and more that we all did the best we could and now have to take time out to make peace with it somehow, no matter what. I think that is when we get to the phase of truely grieving for whatever took place in the past, knowing it is ok to do so. But also allow ourselves to enter into the next phase which is to take whatever we have and work towards now really surviving and even thriving. Actually, how can we blame ourselves for simply adapting to situations we never really had control over. Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 15, 2012 at 02:31 PM. |
| Anonymous33145, haier
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#22
Apr 15, 2012, 12:38 PM
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Thank you both so much. You've helped more than you know. Now, to find a therapist....I just don't trust anyone anymore, but I know I gotta do this.
Leaving now to drive to another state to clean up the mess my kids left when they said they were 'helping' me out. At least the sun is shining today. Catch you all later. |
| Anonymous33145, haier, Open Eyes
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#23
Apr 15, 2012, 04:49 PM
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(((Spiderlegs))),
You have been through so much, no one can blame you for a lack of trust. If I have not said it already, find a therapist who specializes in PTSD. I don't think it is worth the time if you don't have that to be honest. And this is going to take you time to find the right match for you, and that can take a few sessions to figure out. It took me time to get comfortable with my T. I have taken the approach to thinking about therapy and this disorder as the one who is experiencing it and yet another part of me that researches and talks to my therapist about the disorder itself. As I have mentioned, I made it clear from the beginning that if he was not going to believe me, then therapy would not work. And I did have a lot to get off my chest. He used to say I filled the room, well, I had a lot of troubling experiences to share and felt that he needed to know my history so he could see how much was there to work on. That part of yourself that you have as your own guide, that is important because it is that part that will explore the therapists views about child abuse (depending on if you may or may not have some of that) and other difficult areas that need to be addressed. I found that extremely helpful because before I talked about my own issues, I learned from him, his own views and that he treated this before and it was a lot more common than I realized. Keep coming Spiderlegs for support, there are nice people here that are good listeners. Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 15, 2012 at 06:17 PM. |
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#24
Apr 16, 2012, 11:38 AM
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For the moment, you folks are all I have. I'm trying to find a therapist, but finances are slim after the stunts my kids pulled. My son admitted in an email yesterday that he has put my pick up in his name....I guess he forged my name....talk about feeling like you don't exist! This is the kind of lack of respect that just makes me want to end it all...but I'm too big a coward. I have to move and am trying to live on $740 a month. Until I sell something I can't even afford the co pay of $35 a visit.
Thanks for being here! |
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#25
Apr 16, 2012, 12:02 PM
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Ok, keep that email because he is admitting that he took it upon himself to forge what was needed to take possesion of "your" truck. You have him admitting and you can take that to a court that will get your truck back and also penalize him if you want to press charges. You have to keep this all together because he may try for something bigger if he gets away with it. He is testing how weak you really are.
Yes, PTSD is difficult but you are not insane. You have a lot to work through but you CAN get to a point of resolve and more personal strength with time. Hey you have been through a lot so it is understandable that you struggle with PTSD. But you are not crazy. Well, as far as just having us right now, well I have been there. It took me time to find a therapist and I didn't have much money either. There are therapists out there that can work on a sliding scale. It does take time to find them though. Also can you get any state assistance for this? Something worth looking into. At least you have some support here and are learning that you CAN seek help and get your life back. ((((Hugs)))) Open Eyes |
| Anonymous33145
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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