struggling and alone

i'm in a horrible place right now, nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. i don't have a therapist so please do not tell me to talk to a therapist, that is not possible right now.
i posted here because i do have ptsd, though i'm not sure where this belongs. i posted here because i feel my current feelings have to do with the ptsd. not sure though.
am really angry and just upset. i feel like crying, screaming, shouting, hitting. just do all of it at once, explode.
i hate it when people talk about wanting to kill themselves or hurt themselves. i just hated. i hate being around them. i'm in a support group and almost everytime i go someone discusses this. i sent the leader an email regarding this. she said stay away if your triggered. so i did, then returned.
i'm so angry because i cannot get pass this issue, i can't overcome it, try as i might. i hear these people talking about this and am instantly angered, i have to leave. the group is beginning to hate me, i think. i feel like they don't understand me, or even try to understand. all these emotions and feelings. it's pure hell for me and i feel like nobody cares, they don't care to even try to understand. the group is for child abuse survivors...a lot of times they talk about wanting to die and self harming.
i belong in the group. but i also have a history with suicide as well as self harm. my brother hung himself in my mom's garage. suicide is not an option for me, i feel like i have suffered a great deal and do not wish to impose this pain on the people who love me. i fight so hard everyday to merely survive and it feels unfair that i no longer have this support group. i just want to give up on everything. live in a hole. i don't know what to do at all. thank you for listening.