[Open Eyes]

Many of you know my dad went in the hospital Friday with a bleeding ulcer. Luckily my sister was around to notice that my dad wasn't looking or acting right and she brought him to the ER, and if that didn't take place he probably would have died. It can be hard to know the real reality of things as my sister tends to need to get theatrical and make things out as being much worse then they are.

Well she called Friday night and insisted on talking to me and my husband was worried about how I would handle hearing her voice. I tend to crash even at the sound of her voice, sink into flashbacks and I seem to lose control. I have not been able to talk that much about her in therapy as I have working on so many other things.

At first I got very angry because I had a big job on Saturday, the weather was iffy and it was a long drive and it really just takes all my strength sometimes to just keep on a track, I am sure you know what I mean. I just don't do well when too many things pop up all at once. I was really worried about calling my sister back, hearing her voice and being so crippled by that that I wouldn't be able to even function. And thats the thing about this PTSD, sometimes things can cripple and shut me down and it is not like I can always control it. I am doing way better than I was last year, but I still struggle. And the job I had Saturday was a contract with a VERY prestigeous client and not something I could just call in sick for or get someone else to cover for me, I AM IT.

Well, I did call her back and got the low down on how my dad lost a lot of blood, had a couple of transfusions and surgery to clip the bleeding ulcer and they were keeping an eye on him to make sure he kept stable. And I was proud of myself for not sinking into being totally disabled.

Saturday I made the long drive to fulfill my contract and I left here in a storm and didn't know what was going to happen when I got to the job with the weather. Thankfully the sun came out and I got to do my thing.
I was involved with that most of the day and the weather held out where I was, at home it had never stopped raining. Maybe my guardian angel was helping out somehow. I sure was praying hard, and I was also praying the cell would not ring with an emergency of somekind and all was going well with my dad.

I stopped to see my dad at the hospital on the way home from the job and thankfully my husband was with me to stay with my ponies while I went into the hospital to visit my dad. I took deep breaths and prayed some more and made it to his room. He was laying in the bed, my sister and mother were in the room as well, and I looked down at a man I could bearly recognize as my father. He looked so old and frail and helpless, and yet I still kept myself composed. I kept my inner strong part intact that said, this cannot be about me and this PTSD that cripples me, I have to find a way to keep it together.

I just remained calm and talked to my father and asked him to tell me what happened and how he was. I made a joke that he was going to have to now stay away from the halipino peppers (he like hot stuff) just to break up the fear etc.

Then my sister had to give her speach and remind him that he was scared and how serious it was and how SHE WAS THE HERO, yada, yada. And it was hard to watch her behave like nurse Ratchet in One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest. She seems to need to treat everyone like a child and she gets them unders HER superior control.

Well, I ignored that and continued to give my father permission to be himself and strong. My sister decided to step outside the room, but she stayed by the door to make sure she still had the control and could listen to everything pacing back and forth with her loud body language. And I could see all her body language that went all the way back to when I was really just a baby.

Finally the visit was done and my sister and mother and I left. And then I watched my sister with my mother, she was constantly looking at her watch and ready to shut me down and make it clear that SHE HAD THE AGENDA UNDER CONTROL. And as I observed her with my parents, I could see how she was pushing my parents into acting like children under her control. She is so different than me, I don't do that with my parents, I give my parents permission to be who they are and feel like they have some control. I watched my mother respond like a child and feed right into my sister's control mode. And she walked down the hall looking old and defeated, as my sister walked ahead taking moments to stare back and all her body language was like a reminder to my mother to behave helpless like a child.

Well, I hug back with my mother and just talked with her normal and as I did that each time she had more of a spring in her step. She also made faces at my sister and stuck out her tounge to let me know she was aware of the game also let me know she knew what I knew somehow. But it was CLEAR that my sister was THE CONTROLING FORCE. And I could recall all of her manerisms that went all the way back in my life. But this time, I didn't cringe, I almost felt free in a way because I would not give into her ways.

And as we exited the building I asked my mom if she wanted to come over to see the ponies and my sister looked her watch and was just ready to say NO WE CANT DO THAT. Oh, how awful she was with her obvious body language. But I ignored that and got my mother over to see the ponies and just reminice how she and I used to work together a lot, how she could be herself with me. And then my sister pulled around with her car again the facial and physical language that said hurry up like my mother and I were children that needed to stop enjoying something and get going.
And my sister reminded me that she had my mother staying at HER house as now my MOTHER CANNOT BE LEFT ALONE. And I knew that this was how it had to be. I just don't have the strength to fight that situation.
And I know also that I don't have the ability to take over or even try to take control or share in responsibility as my sister has always been very good at making sure SHE DOES IT ALL, and YET EVEN WHEN SHE GETS THAT SHE INSISTS AND MAKING FUN OF ME OR REMARKING ON HOW INCAPABLE I AM. Wow, that goes way back as well and there is part of me that feels sorry for that child in me that had to figure out how to go along with the OLDER CONTROLING sister.

I am sitting here trying to decide what to do now. I don't know the next step with my dad, they were talking about more tests today and getting him home too. But my mother is not strong enough to take care of him, and no matter what I do, my sister will work her WHEELS OF CONTROL AND PUNISHMENT FOR WHATEVER I DO or DON'T DO. And she knows NOTHING ABOUT PTSD and INSISTS I NEED TO MAKE IT ABOUT ME SOMEHOW.

It is like it has all come full circle and I am like that little child who just could not seem to get my parents to understand what was happening to me. Now they are just too old to understand it all. My sister again, HAS ALL THE CONTROL. The whole situation is very strange. And with this PTSD, I don't know what to expect. I am kind of at a loss this morning to be honest. I managed to do well Saturday, but I don't know if that will last to be honest, this PTSD is unpredictable as you know.

I wanted to go again and visit my dad yesterday, but that avoidance gear slipped in and I never made it in, but I did call and talk to the nurse to make sure he was doing ok. I want to call, and yet I don't want to call because I will have to deal with my sister as SHE IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING AND DEALING WITH THE DOCTORS AND SHE MADE CLEAR A WHILE AGO THAT I AM NOT TO TALK TO THE DOCTORS.

Here I am again, not wanting to make a fuss so that my parents are not upset somehow by MY REALITY.

Open Eyes

[unaluna]

Wow. Good going, Open Eyes. You did really really well, to take care of your own stuff, and be yourself, and be able to SHARE YOURSELF, the good stuff you have in you, your humor, your caring, with your mom and dad, in spite of your sister's hovering. Two real human moments of connection, with the ponies, and the joke about the peppers, showing that life goes on, after the bad stuff. So resilient. So beautiful.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, thanks Hankster, I am trying very hard to focus on the good or strong I have put forward so far. I have all of you to thank for that as I kept making efforts to put forward that strong part of myself here with all of you as well. And I am even thankful to those that triggered me because it gave me a chance to look into the parts of me that were compromised by my sister in my past to when I was small and she did things to me that scared me and compromised me that I didn't understand.

When I sat in that hospital room and observed all her body language I realized how well trained I always was to work around this overbearing presence looming over me.
And yet I saw her side where her need for control ended up presenting her with SO MUCH RESPONSIBILY. It is like she has to have the control and yet at the same time as she achieves it, it is very demanding on her too. It is like she is wispering the curses of always HAVING TO BE THE ONE WHO PICKS UP THE PIECES, and yet she MAKES IT THAT WAY.

In some ways I am actually sad for her because she seems to only be able to function when SHE has the control. She has her own internal torment with that and I can see HER anger, she is her own enemy in so many ways. And she is blind to her own punishing ways that give her what she wants but it is a lot of burden on her too.

When I see her picture she has a lot on her plate as well. Her daughter is in a troubled marriage with a son that has autism where he is unpredictable and the school is trying to kick him out. And her relationship with her daughter is strained because they are both control freaks. And here she is trying to be in charge of my parents and their aging and she thinks she is Dr. Who and because she is SO controling I see my parents just giving in and turning into children and not holding up their part.

The way I addressed my father was so different than her. I gave the control to my father, asked him to tell me what happened to him, whereas she has to take that over and talk over him in her taking over, taking charge ways. She MAKES people WEAK because SHE IS SO CONTROLLING.

And my mother?, Oh she is so different around me compared to how she is around my sister. Around me she puts forward the effort to be in control of herself, her walking is more forward, she interacts with me normally. But around my sister, she just behaves like a crippled child. Oh, it is just so hard to see this. It is like my sister is a BRAIN VAMPIRE that just sucks the capacity of those around her and then she has to think and do for everyone. This morning when I spoke to her, she was dressing my mother like my mother was a child, MY MOTHER CAN DRESS HERSELF, however MY SISTER HAS TO INSIST ON DOING IT FOR HER. And my mother is TOO TIRED TO FIGHT BACK NOW.

And forget me gaining the ability to share and have my mother come to my home, MY SISTER WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT, this is the way she is and believe me, she will wear anyone down until SHE GETS THE CONTROL.

And because I am battling this PTSD, I just don't have the complete capacity to fight back. And in an odd way, that brings me all the way back to other times in my life where I was somehow too weak to truely fight back.

And forget me saying anything to my sister about the fact that I have PTSD and she needs to step back, SHE WILL JUST TAKE THAT AND USE IT AS A STICK TO BEAT ME WITH SO SHE CAN GET "ALL" THE CONTROL.

At the same time I am dealing with this, I am also dealing with my daughter that had things blow up in her face with her boyfriend and she is struggling as well. Although my daughter is smart and will have nothing to do with my families politics.

It sure is all around me, everwhere I look is challenge and the kind of challenges that brings a lot of bad things in my own life full circle and to the forefront.

Oh, Why does it all have to confront me all at once? And yet, from my time spent here at PC, being around so many different compromized members and reaching out and listening, that has enabled me to go beyond my own world of PTSD. I can see how this past year has helped me in ways I didn't realize.

It is stange, it is like I am struggling with three worlds of myself, the child that was compromised, the woman struggling with this crippling PTSD, and the woman who hung in there and spent time here learning about HUMAN BEINGS WHO SUFFER, who tried to reach out and help and learned along the way.

I don't know how that is all going to mesh together as I move forward with all the oncoming challenge. I guess I will just do this one day at a time? What else can I do really right?

And by the way (((Hankster))) I am impressed with you for what you are seeing here, you ARE MAKING PROGRESS, DAM, THAT IS GOOD, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR THAT.

Open Eyes

[unaluna]

it was strange, once my SIL and nephew were in a car accident, my nephew needed stitches, I held his hand while he got them. everybody else was standing around so tense, they could only think about how badly they would feel if anything really bad had happened to the boy, that they couldn't be there for him. so I just really identified with you really being there for your parents, like a little angel just floating in, lightening everyone's hearts and burdens. but no one ever said angels have it easy.

[Open Eyes]

What a wonderful way to put it Hankster. I am trying really hard to be there and not have this be about me and my ptsd. I really didn't know if I would be capable of being in that room and be able to keep the PTSD symptoms at bay. The last time I was around my sister, I ended up frozen in flashbacks and could not even speak and it frightened my mother. I was so relieved that didn't happen and I was able to do what I did, it really felt so reassuring.

[unaluna]

wow. I think the angels were with both of us those times! because I really felt like I was outside of myself, like my mother could not bother me, like I was equal to my brother, and sympathetic to my SIL (she was the driver), like no one could touch me. I was joking with the doctor. And I just KNEW somehow to take my nephew's hand. By then he was an older teenager and we were not as cuddly as we used to be! It was all very unreal. But an experience I am very proud of. I just LOVE how you took your mom to the ponies! that is so touching, so comforting, so REAL.

[Open Eyes]

Sigh,

Well, I just got off the phone with my sister. Wow, the witch came out in her and she hung up on me. This is what she does when she is in total control mode and if I say anything that doesn't sing her complete praise, she just hangs up or disguards me like rubbish.

I don't know whether to go to the hospital or not at the moment. She is just in total resentment over the fact that because she is so BOSSY AND CONTROLING she just gets left with it all.

I don't know which way to go on this to be honest, hang back and leave her with the mess or try to go and be there for my dad and mom. Her high beam ***** lights are definitely on. And my biggest concern is that the staff there will sense the extreme tension and that will not be productive AT ALL. And she may get so pissed off that she just leaves me with my parents and I can't leave the farm completely as I have all these horses and ponies to take care of and I am also trying to take care of customers as much as I can anyway.

I have to think about this. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that she may be a narcisist and I know they slam doors if you know what I mean. See, I never stood up to her like I have been recently and SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT AT ALL. She is THE QUEEN OF SHUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHO DON'T GO HER WAY.

I don't know everyone, me with PTSD getting into my car to enter into the disfunciton that set the platform for this disorder? Wow, this is quite a challenge.

((((OE)))) I have been thinking about you and just came to find your post. I wish your father a very speedy recovery, my friend

Your situation reminds me of a couple of my own experiences in that I tended to shy away (isolate really) from the "controllers and abusers" in the family. Especially during a crisis. It was wayy too stressful because they had to be in control of EVERYTHING and it was exhausting.

I also made positively sure that my loved ones knew how much I loved them, but the pressure and the abusive behavior from the others, I couldn't bear it - it would not be tolerated (I couldn't be around it).

It hurt me tremdendously, but the family members that loved me and knew how much I loved them, also knew why I was absent.

The abusive ones were the only ones that used the fact that I couldn't be there to try to make them feel better about themselves and tried to make things (look) even worse for me.

As soon as I stopped caring, they stopped with the behavior. Or maybe they didn't. I don't care I know my truth.

I WOULD NOT give them "fuel for their fire". They could run the entire show.

I didn't care as long as the others knew why I was absent. And I would call and touch base in other ways.

**I found out later, in EVER SINGLE EVENT, that my loved ones KNEW what was going on...and they understood: completely.

(THEY were too weak (literally when they were sick) to do anything about it).

Once you stop playing the "game", the other person/people don't have anyone to fight with anymore - and you are set free.

I will never forget (and forgive a couple of them) for the fact that I lost time with those I love most in the world, but I also find comfort that I KNOW they knew what was going on and did not hold it against me.

Stay strong. Take care of yourself. Your loved ones are not blind. They know what is going on.

(Hugs to you)

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

That is exactly what is going on. I drove in to see my father in the hospital and this time I was prepared to have a face off with my sister. But my sister wasn't there when I went in to see my dad. My dad had the stock market info going on the TV and he did look so much better and all he wanted was to get home so he could call his clients.

Well, I told him about how mean my sister was to me and he replies with, " OE, you are your sister's competition and she feels threatened by you", and my eyes teared up and I said to my father, "Well, it is all in HER head and I cannot play her game Dad, I am truely struggling with this PTSD and I am not competing with anyone". And he just said, " Well, there is nothing I can do to help you with that". And that is the way IT ALWAYS WAS in my life, HE SAW IT, AND YET HE NEVER PAID ATTENTION OR STOPPED IT. And that is NEVER going to change. Even my mother SEE'S IT, she told me my sister is VERY JEALOUS OF ME AND ALWAYS WAS.

You know, from the time I was brought home as a baby that is always the way it was.
It never matter what I did, MY SISTER NEVER WANTED ME AROUND, I WAS JUST COMPETITION.

I honestly remember myself so little trying so hard, adoring my older sister and all that time, I WAS COMPETITION? Little children dont really know that, I didn't know that. But IT WAS ALWAYS CLEAR THAT SHE WAS THE BOSS AND HAD TO BE IN CONTROL.

I just see the disfunction of it all so much more now. I was way too little to have a chance between my brother and sister. My dad called it, he said I was the middle child between the control of both of them.

Even when I finally told him last week after all these years that they BOTH ABUSED AND MOLESTED ME, his response was, YOU WERE JUST LITTLE KIDS. Can you imagine? I would NEVER say that to a child, EVEN A GROWN CHILD.

Well, I am sorry, I am sorry for anyone that has to deal with this, it just plain hurts.

And the one thing I have noticed here?, All of you are SO NICE AND TRUELY DESERVING PEOPLE.

Open Eyes

[Cotton ball]

(((Open)))
First and foremost I am so sorry about your father. I know that is yet another challenge you are facing. I hope he recovers quickly.
I'm also so sorry about you sister. Your fathers response must have been especially hurtfull. No Open, it was not ok, AND it is not ok that the "power control" still is occurring.
I so empathise!! I have noticied that from certain people "family" when you try to exhibit boundaries, especially ones that are very mild and kind in nature, they will not be respected. It is NOT part of the "pattern" and not what they "want or are willing accept". They can fight you to the end. Something that can drain you and cut you down until it "feels" there is nothing left.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this Open.
Remember you are in control...even if that means stepping back...if there is no fight left in you at this time. You need to look after you.
You are a good person, please remember that and DONT let them hurt you, in as much as you can.
I know thats so easy to say but very hard to do.
Be kind to Open! THEY can wait.
Hugs,
Cotton

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Cotton, it is so nice to have people say that to me. When we are around disfunctional people, well, they NEVER say that sadly.

I still have some of that victim mentality, it twirls in the mind sometimes. I sometimes second guess myself as for years I was so programmed to give in. My mother taught me, accept people for the way they are. Well, to some extent yes, but that doesn't mean I have to accept their contolling disrespectful ways.

I feel sad for disfunctional people to be honest. I feel sad for my sister, she wants the control so she can be happy or get praise for being the marter. She insists on the control and then complains about it. She pushes everyone away from her. And my parents are too old to fight back so they just revert to being childlike.

Thanks for the kind words. I just feel like I am giving in by walking away.

Tomarrow I have a T appointment so I will see what he says.