[JustPassingThrough]

I signed up for this site because of some past traumas and my current self-harm but when I took the sanity score quiz it gave me a 100 on PTSD. So I've spent the whole day researching it--I was really surprised, it just never occurred to me. Like, I knew what it was but I never thought I would have it. I think I just associated it with war veterans... But, alas, after all the research it's true. It's everything that's wrong with me in a small list of symptoms. So, tonight I thought I'd post here. I'm really tired, it's only 11pm here but I was in Japan last week and I guess I'm still kind of jet lagged. It's 10am there but I'm somewhere in the middle of Tokyo and New York time. It's just made everything worse cause most nights I don't sleep that much anyway. Usually I can put off sleep for a really long time but this just screwed with my schedule. I can feel my eyes drooping but I'm terrified I don't want to sleep because I know I'll dream and I just really really don't want to and it's like when you're sick and you have to puke and you know you're going to puke but it's not happening yet and you're trying to put it off because you know that awful feeling but you know it's inevitable so you're stuck with your head down the toilet just waiting to wretch...

[Open Eyes]

(((JustPassingThrough))),

Oh, I am sorry, I didn't see your thread last night. Well, yes, I felt that way as well about PTSD, I never expected to experience it either.

I think that you should find a therapist that specializes in PTSD therapy. PTSD in not something you can work through on your own. It takes time and patience but you CAN work through it.

Let us know how you make out.
Open Eyes

[optimize990h]

perhaps there is some sleep disturbance happening with you. a person's sleep cycle can be disrupted cause or worsen previous feelings/thoughts that a person may have. that is something to consider.

[AngelWolf3]

Hoping that you were able to get some sleep, finally. I also thought PTSD was just for war veterans too. I agree with Open Eyes. Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma will be a great help (although it feels worse sometimes before getting better...)
Welcome to the forum

[skeksi]

I get it. I spend a lot of my life fending off sleep. It is just the scariest time for me.

I hope your schedule returns to normal soon, and I agree that finding a therapist to help you figure out what is going on can be super helpful. Stick around here!

[JustPassingThrough]

Thank you guys!! I fell asleep for a few hours after the sun rose, and I'm going off of that now. I'd love to see a therapist, honestly I think about things and internalize them so much that it'd be great to get some fresh eyes, but honestly I don't think that's something my dad would allow. And, even though I'm 18, I don't have the money by myself to get one. It's summer now and then college, so maybe I'll make enough then.

But, really, thank you. It's really nice to hear from other people about this. I don't talk to anyone about it. My dad has enough stress on his plate and I get uncomfortable mentioning negative things with my friends. A few of them know but they also know well enough not to bring it up. I don't get angry, but, I just usually don't know how to respond. It's easier to talk about it on the computer. I don't have to face anyone directly... I just can't help but feel ashamed, awfully ashamed because I can't stop living in the past. Why is it so hard to get over? It's not like it's still happening. No one's hurting me but me. And it's just... embarrassing, I guess. To be so afraid of stupid things like sleep.

[skeksi]

When you get to college, look into their mental health services immediately. In fact, you can do that online right now! In the US, residential colleges almost always offer some kind of mental health services. They are often only short-term, but that can be enough for you to get some coping strategies and to put a better long-term plan into place. A counselor at school can help you figure out what you need and how to get it.

I recommend it highly. I knew something was wrong when I went to college but I was too scared to get help. Like you, I figured I should be "over" what had happened to me. I felt that way for many years before I finally got some outside help, and I am doing so much better now. When you are at school, you have the opportunity to reach out-- plan on doing it! Because you deserve to feel better. You don't need to suffer alone.

[JustPassingThrough]

Really? I'll definitely look into that. Sometimes I just feel so guilty complaining to other people. It's like, if I shouldn't even be feeling this way, why am I getting them involved? But if talking it out is what can make it finally go away I'm all for it... Thank you for taking the time to help me.

[Hellion]

I tend to have trouble sleeping either because I don't want to have more screwed up dreams, or I am just too stressed to sleep because I can't relax.

I recently went on a really stessful road trip and went quite a few days with no sleep with a couple nights of very little sleep in between...it was to the extent I was hearing things before I was finally able to sleep that was pretty weird I admit

[beauflow]

I can't sleep sometimes due to past memories keep repeating in my head, or fear of the past will happen again with something/someone with what is going on, etc...

The last time this happened (last week), me grabbing my bear and it helped.. Sometimes just a simple thing like that can help, and I really don't care if people think- "Beauflow your an adult, you should not have a stuffed animal with you while you sleep--" I don't care!.... my cat some times sleeps with me which can help-
Another thing also is -- Do A Quiet activity for a little bit IF you can (I have failed at this but also it has helped too at times) to get your mind off of what you are thinking of...
Sometimes with me writting out what is bothering me can help-- BUt That does not work fro everyone.

I agree you should talk to someone either at the college you will be at, or finding someone on the side...

Reading that you can not talk to people with in your family, I think for you to talk to Someone will help-- As the others have said you don't have to do this alone, you can get better,

Best wishes to you and many hugs....