[patricia72]

I lost interest in my artwork lately... which was always my passion... and it isn't the first time I have done this...
I gave all of my artwork away and stored all of my supplies out of sight!!!
This has happened alot in the past and later I regret it...
I don't know why I did it?!
Anyone else do things like this?
Patricia

[cherybery]

Patricia, I have done this with my writing as well. Sometimes when I get down I really lose interest in the things I know I enjoy.
Your not alone!

[(JD)]

Only ideas, can't really know for sure... sometimes our moods change only to change back again... depression can make us lose interest (ebb and flow)... I know I have given stuff away when looking at it became so frustrating (because I could no longer "do" it..) TC... maybe you will (both) find your passion again.

[patricia72]

I hope you're right sky,
it must be the same for you chery....writing and artwork are one of a kind originals that cannot be replaced...
(sigh) however new ones can be created...
Patricia

[ster]

excuse me for saying this but the reason for me is I get the ***** it atatude and then I stop doing the things that help me. For me it is that simple.

[patricia72]

LOL!!!
Well, that is blunt and to be honest I often get a f_ck it attitude also.
I'm not sure if it applies to my artwork...
food for the brain
Patricia

[Larry_Hoover]

Patricia, I don't know you, but I feel like I can identify with much of what you say, here in this thread, and in others on this board.

Have you ever looked into the idea of an ego state disorder? It's like a less distinctive form of multiple personalities, whereas instead of individual identities, the personalities are all you. You know that the alters are you, but they represent ego structures that formed during dissociative episodes. They can be distinct enough to even have their own memories (i.e. you feel like you have "lost time" episodes), or they can share their memories with one another (you have multiple versions of "what happened"). They're lost in time, though, these ego state 'fragments'. They represent perspectives formed under specific circumstances, so there could be an ego state that is representative of the thinking of a young child, or an immature adult, or any other period when trauma existed. They come to you across time, because time does not define them. Because of this timelessness, you can heal old wounds in the here and now, by treating yourself now as you needed then, when the dissociation came into being.

As I've built a scaffold of cognitive structures which allowed me to observe myself transitioning in and out of these alternate ego states, the mere act of validating their existence was very healing for me. I recently experienced some severe and repeated triggering, but I came out of that process transformed. I have been changed by it, the simple act of observing. And, of course, by honouring the past experience that generated the fragment. I feel like I can cry my final tears, now. And the fragment(s) re-integrate(s) with the entity I think of when I think of me. My ego re-absorbs the fragment(s). The merged self understands why.

Only after it happened, this sense of re-integration of my fragments, did I look into the literature. Lo and behold, there are therapies designed to produce just the sort of catharsis that I recently experienced.

What I'm trying to offer you is hope. You *can* heal from traumatic dissociation.

It's a lot to get your head around, I know. Here's a link to one specific treatment paradigm, called DNMS. (There are others, e.g. Michenbaum.) I kind of just "winged it", on my own, but you can get the gist of the process by studying what is involved in this example of cognitive reprocessing therapy for traumatic dissociation. There is a lot more, on this site, too. http://www.dnmsinstitute.com/dnms-summary.html

I hope that made some sense. I hope it gives some hope.

Hugs,
Lar

[patricia72]

Lar,
I have to admit that this is the most intreeging message I have recieved yet, you have definately peeked my interest and I thank you for the connnection... I wll be checking it out.
Alot of your message clicked and made very much sense to me,
hugs back,
Patricia,
I'm a fighter because I'm a survivor...

[patricia72]

Larry,
I would like you to analyse and give an opinion on this please, or anyone else for that matter,

Some find my ways absolutely ludicrous,
confused and unnatural sub-conscienceness,
but I find my stradegy for existance
are necessary tactics to challenge existsance,
for those loquacious and ignorant minds...
a balance for my aristocratical and atypical
consciousness binds.
A rebundancy of emotion repeatedly surfaces,
so common to replace reality for every circumstance,
Understanding and neglection both are essential
Without them my mind will subvert unconventional.

Has anyone ever felt like a lab rat being observed, analysed, and experimented with?

Patricia

[Larry_Hoover]

I f***ing hate this. I wrote an excellent post, and the f***ing software ate it. Arrgggh. I'll try again, later.

[(JD)]

grrrr... did you try the "back" button..that's what I do..go back far enough to the post beforehand. On those eloquent posts, I try to remember to save them at least mid way (So your subject line might be Why did IT do that?)

Patricia, most ppl don't fully understand others... even when two ppl are on the same path, but at different points, the one behind can't understand. TC.

[patricia72]

Larry,
I look forward to reading it... I am in the process of analysing myself... well, actually I'm always doing that... but I want and need to understand myself with a fresh point of view from others...
I get too confused doing it alone,
take care, wishing you the best,
craving insight...
Patricia

[patricia72]

OOOOPS,
Sorry,
this ended up in the wrong place...
really don't know what happened.... so sorry'
Patricia

[Larry_Hoover]

I don't know what it was that ended up in the wrong place, Patricia. Nor do I remember a word of what I wrote yesterday. This PsychCentral software just eats messages if you're not really careful. When you submit the page, sometimes it times out before the next page opens, and then you get a "page expired" notification, which means you've lost everything......unless you had your wits about you and you can hit "select all" and "copy" before the darn thing times out. Obviously, I wasn't witty enough, yesterday. It only happens to me here, so I'm blaming the site.

I think PTSD-inspired people get to be eccentric. We face the world with a wry sense of being different, and I think we pick up quirky ways of doing things. In the end, it's easier to be different on those unpredictable occasions (e.g. when getting through a minor trigger), if you're already different all of the time, in the first place. There are many benefits to being PTSD. It's really hard to notice them, though, if you're getting loud versions of the negative aspects of being PTSD. I think PTSD people become very empathetic. That's a good thing, for everybody.

It does feel weird for me to only just have figured out that I fully dissociate. Or, at least, I used to. I can't promise it won't ever happen again, but I know that it is now possible that it may never happen again. And if it does, I'll have much better coping strategies in place than I could ever have managed before I understood what happens to me.

An ego state is really a very inspired form of consciousness. It served a very noble and adaptive purpose, at its inception. It can become a maladaptive entity, though. And, in order to "discontinue" that ego state, one must first put oneself in a position of observation. One must build a cognitive scaffold, from which clear observation can finally be obtained. Then comes the "Eureka!" moment.

Lar

[patricia72]

I understand now why I thought the other message ended up in the wrong place, no big deal,
Lar, I know what you mean about the "page expired" situation.... it has happened to me several times.
I take it your 2nd paragraph describes what you have concluded to my poem.... I was hoping for a more personalised insight but I appreciate you response.
At least now you know that you fully dissociate and I know for a fact I have experienced this on several occasions...
I don't care for the idea of being in a position of observation.... vulnerability issues, but it makes sense.
I thank you for your response,
wishing you the very best,
Patricia xx

[Larry_Hoover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
patricia72 said:
Lar, I know what you mean about the "page expired" situation.... I was hoping for a more personalised insight but I appreciate you response.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Unfortunately, the piece that I wrote, the personal response, that's what disappeared. It was an inspired bit of writing, and I can't remember what I said. That's why I was really upset that it disappeared. Some things are just "once off"s. You get one shot at them.

Re: the becoming the observer thing

Just as my ego has fragmented as a protective mechanism, I can mould aspects of my ego to create what I call pseudo-objectivity. The pseudo bit is because I really can't be truly objective about self, but, that's what I'm trying to create, an objective observer of self. Then, if I can learn to manage that observer sense effectively, I can figure out how to "position" it so as to observe the dissociation. That was the key to my figuring out what was happening to me. I caught one, live, in real time. Observed the heck out of it. Mystery solved.

Lar

[patricia72]

Hmmm,
Well, Lar,
You have obviously done extensive reading, self therapy, and self awareness. It is obvious you have educated yourself in several areas, including vocabulay, and that's great.
I am not in the same place you have achieved to be in,
I will take my time analysing the info. you have given me...
wishing you the best and thanking you,
Patricia

[Larry_Hoover]

That's great, Pat. I got you thinking. Not so very long ago, I first had the idea of PTSD floated by my therapist. Chronic PTSD, from childhood experience. It took me a year (and a mugging) to accept that idea. It was probably a couple years ago somebody first suggested the idea of ego states to me. Told me to look for clues, like the sense of "lost time", or changes in writing style/vocabulary. It took a lot of thinking, but the thinking came together, eventually. It came together into a package that allowed me to re-integrate those other chunks of my personality/ego. It's ongoing, the sense of reintegration, but my self-awareness feels huge. I feel transformed. It's hard to describe.

It does take time. No doubt. It takes time, and it takes shape.

Lar

[patricia72]

Hi Lar,
what you describe is something I have bee seeking for a long time now...
I''m truely happy to hear you have made so much progress and feel the way you do
Someday, for me, I hope I will each a place where I feel transformed and self aware on such a level...
for now I feel far from it
wishing you the best,
Patricia

[Larry_Hoover]

I didn't plan my catharsis, my moment of epiphany. I planned *for* it. It's all about the journey. And knowing enough to head in the right direction. The rest just happens. Which is as it should be.

Lar