[beauflow]

--- I guess me believing in that of my good things that are an a illusions are part of my PTSD-- (this was per my ex-t she mentioned "many women she has worked with that are like me, are like this too" of course this is the therapist that also strongly believed i am bipolar.. so idk-- i did look and some of this part of PTSD....)

I get it sort of but then I don't....

What I mean by illusions is---
Simplistically -- I keep waiting to get smacked down. (the on edge feeling I suppose)

With me specifically a big one is- Like I have a good relationship with my S/O- No it is not perfect and I don't expect it to be, we are both humans with our own things to work on, our own little things that are just each other....
However I will at times when, I guess triggered by something, depending on what it is (i have this with out triggers of what i know of as well), I will believe that well-- it is all a lie, we don't have a good relationship, that he is just using me, tricking me, and is going to back stab/underhand/hurt me eventually in some way

My S/O -- with the recent thing with me which we talked about, that he has asked that I give him a list of triggers-- part of me is like yeah!, this is going to be a working progress.. This lets HIM know more about me to try to work with me in our relationship, and This Helps me also know some, and it also is me sharing/exposing myself to him--- another big part of me is like-- he will use this to hurt me.
here is the recent thing--
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=244970

I guess I am still processing this all, with our talk yesterday...

I already have debated with myself with things that I have already told him (i.e. the recent thing I let him know that I felt very betrayed with him indulging a trigger to his parents)
I even told him that To Me - it does not make sense to a big part of me that I am telling him that due to it just gives him more information on me to use against me, but another part of me is telling me to tell him that so perhaps I can grow with this all-- let him know that hurt.. that way he does not do it again.

My S/O is great, it is shown time and time again he is supportive for me...

I just am having such a hard time right now with not feeling like a fool (For many reason)...

i tear myself apart and down with this from time to time....

I get angry with myself that we have been together for, it is coming up to 4 years, and still I am having trust issues with him...

I feel like a fool for the above post link; I feel like a fool due to I actually believed he was going to break up with me and everything is working out (sort of)..however at times... sometimes I am like he is waiting for the lease to end (we have till March 2013) and then he will break up with me.. i realize that i was triggered but i am upset that i was not able to control my mind, my head, emotions... i know I am still processing a lot of this stuff...

IDK i guess I am getting this out, trying not to dwell on it..

I think eventially I will give him a list of things, he already knows some of them-- and he explained some of them with him, that I should not take so personal

I.e. he says he will get up and does not--
he is getting older these days, 5 hours of sleep is not enough, he has trouble getting to sleep early, and admittedly i am aware he is not the healthiest-- He says this because he wants to do both-- sleep and hang out with me... I get upset Some Times about this -- other times i am very understanding of all of it...
I asked him to not say he will get up-- I tell him, it is upsetting due to I don't ask him to, but he tells me he will, and then he does not--

I am sorry if that (the waking up example) seems childish
some times I see it as a "red flag"; other times I don't.

ugh-- which is another thing-- I get contemplative on what is what-- what is real and what is not... I am not sure if that goes with illusion or delusion

I know my ex-t said-- so simplistically like it is so easy to do-- but just remind myself of the good times when I get this way...
some times this does help I will admit.. some times it does... I suppose these are the times that I catch my self early with this sort of thinking...
Other times, I twist those IF i can remember them in the times, as in the plan to destroy me..... (chuckles at myself due to that is sooo "the world revolves around me" thinking, and it is silly-- and yet is very serious at the same time.. i have cried enough about this, so chuckling is good in away-- ).... And other times I seem to be genially unable to think of the good things in such times..
and I have thought well maybe a physical visable thing for me would help with this "reminding myself of good"
Ya know, I know my ring that i wear, some times that helps-- inside it says "S/o loves Beauflow" ok our real names but still... he had that inscribed.. other times it does not... some times I am like what is love, I don't feel love... which is one of the worst feelings some times..

Any suggestions with being grounded with this more is helpful...

Any one that feels the same many and don't be afraid to say something if so--- get it out... I am learning getting it out helps a little

[beauflow]

I know, websites--- geez..
But actually this encourages me a little and has some good little tips to try to remember..

Know Your Triggers

In coping with flashbacks and dissociation, prevention is key. Flashbacks and dissociation are often triggered or cued by some kind of reminder of a traumatic event (for example, encountering certain people, going to specific places), or some other stressful experience. Therefore, it is important to identify the specific things that trigger flashbacks or dissociation.
By knowing what your triggers are, you can either try to limit your exposure to those triggers, or if that is not possible (which is often the case), you can prepare for them by devising ways to cope with your reaction to those triggers.
In addition to reducing flashbacks and dissociation, knowing your triggers may also help with other symptoms of PTSD, such as intrusive thoughts and memories of a traumatic event.
Identify Early Warning Signs

Flashbacks and dissociation may feel as though they come "out-of-the-blue." That is, they may feel unpredictable and uncontrollable. However, there are often some early signs that a person may be slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state. For example, a person's surroundings may begin to look "fuzzy," or someone may feel as though he is separating from or losing touch with his surroundings, other people, or even himself.
Flashbacks and dissociation are easier to cope with and prevent if you can catch them early on. Therefore, it is important to try to increase your awareness of early symptoms of flashbacks and dissociation. Next time you experience a flashback or dissociation, revisit what you were feeling and thinking just before the flashback or dissociation occurred. Try to identify as many early symptoms as possible. The more early warning signs you can come up with, the better able you will be to prevent future flashbacks or episodes of dissociation.
Learn Grounding Techniques

As the name implies, grounding is a particular way of coping that is designed to "ground" you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.
To ground, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, you want to do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment. A couple of grounding techniques are described below.

• Sound: Turn on loud music
  Loud, jarring music will be hard to ignore. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.
• Touch: Grip a piece of ice
  If you notice that you are slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state, hold onto a piece of ice. It will be difficult to direct your attention away from the extreme coldness of the ice, forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.
• Smell: Sniff some strong peppermint
  When you smell something strong, it is very hard to focus on anything else. In this way, smelling peppermint can bring you into the present moment, slowing down or stopping altogether a flashback or an episode of dissociation.
• Taste: Bite into a lemon
  The sourness of a lemon and the strong sensation it produces in your mouth when you bite into it can force you to stay in the present moment.
• Sight: Take an inventory of everything around you
  Connect with the present moment by listing everything around you. Identify all the colors you see. Count all the pieces of furniture around you. List off all the noises you hear. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.

Enlist the Help of Others

If you know that you may be at risk for a flashback or dissociation by going into a certain situation, bring along some trusted support. Make sure that the person you bring with you is also aware of your triggers and knows how to tell and what to do when you are entering a flashback or dissociative state.
Seek Treatment

In the end, the best way to prevent flashbacks and dissociation is to seek out treatment for your PTSD. Flashbacks and dissociation may be a sign that you are struggling to confront or cope with the traumatic event you experienced. Treatment can help with this. You can find PTSD treatment providers in your area through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America website, as well as UCompare HealthCare from About.com. The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) also provides a wealth of information on the connection between trauma and dissociation, how to cope with dissociation, and provides links to therapists who treat trauma and dissociation.

http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/flashcoping.htm

i know it is just a website-- Therapy would probably do me wonders..

But still I can take away whatever I can from them with a little help from them some times......

And actually earlier i was reading the Grounding skills (here in the PSTD Forum) and One poster had a list of things-- I.E. what is the date, year, president, country, and so on... It sort of really got me, that actually that is what the intake guy did with me before I left his office and he encouraged me to sit down in the waiting room before leaving the facility (which i did not- I went to the car and sat there for a while); intake was when I was explaining why I wanted to do therapy in the county- My The First Pdoc did that too (male) the second Pdoc and Therapist never did that.-- and I do realize with in myself, I was pouring out so much to the intake guy (and some what to the first Pdoc due to he was dx'ing me) due to I was like-- OK be honest and open why do I want therapy-- Here are these problems...he would ask questions with some things... admittedly I kept getting "lost" in both interview -- I kept saying -- I am sorry i forgot what your question was and started to ramble and got lost; he some times would say it was ok and just move on, other times he would say- oh this is what i asked....... I do realize that I never did this with the Therapist and 2nd Pdoc (pouring out everything) i was always, like keep composure in a sense and blocking I guess..I would get fuzzy with the Therapist from time to time, not all there but I had a lot of anxiety when going to her... The 2nd Pdoc was not a dxing appt it was just for medication at the time and she did keep telling me-- I wish we could talk more but we did not schedule you for this -- Which I do completely understand but I wish there was a clear communication with it all due to I thought I was switching Pdocs, which meant I would be talking and not just about medication.

I know-some may read that and think- no wonder therapy was not helping me, but for some reason, i knew the time was short, I felt bad every time we went over (I felt bad that with the intake guy -- I had went almost an hour over than what we were suppose to after I had looked at the clock i did not realize that it was so long).. And she kept telling me that "she did not understand why I was in therapy" from the 2nd time meeting me which really started it all off well in my head.... either my problems don't matter, or I am just crazy to think I have problems...

sorry-- blabber mouth me...

but I like some of things--Senses.. with coffee (smell and tastes and warmth) I do that a lot actually when i start to feel overwhelmed or something if I can remember too-- but the caffeine in the coffee does not help with anxiety.. I like the idea of sour, ice, smell of peppermint or something

I should be really mixing half and half or go decaf with my coffee huh?

[Wren_]

the caffeine can increase the anxiety but if the smell helps could something like a coffee scented candle help? Anything that helps you with grounding

With the illusions it sounds like worrying that what you have may not be real? would anything help you to hold on to the realities there eg reassure from your so or reassurance from yourself by writing things down when you believe them to read back those times you struggle with believing?

[beauflow]

((Thank you TigerGirl)) things all to think on...

a candle is a good idea -- it could work at home...
work though, maybe I should get some decaf
(i am a double edge with the coffee, i get caffeine headaches, -- I strongly think this is due to I started drinking coffee at 10.. so like some times it is really a big helper, but I have noticed at times that it does make my anxiety worse which is a really bad thing some times..)

I have been trying to use chamomile tea here recently too.. it is something i really like, it has good qualities and it is to be a relaxer..
just some times, "strong aroma" is what I am like craving.. if that make sense?

Some times my S/O will spray his cologne on my hoodie if i seem down or something before he leaves..

Maybe the smell thing I should focus on with this?

Writing can be very hard some times...
I know I have been told - On A good day-- write out some things, keep it with me and when I get this way, pull it out and read it...
But I keep forgetting to take the list with me, i will write it in my journals but leave it there...
on the bad side, I have tried to write out while being like this and I tear it down most of the time, over analyze and break it apart of "what i see now" at the time (which can be questionable with what "is seen now" and can leave me not trusting myself and confused which causes a lot with the anger as well when like this). I usually spend too much time coming back, and either elaborating or scratching off things-- I am trying to get better with the "fact" and "opinion" stuff when like this....
actually that helped a lot with what I wrote to my s/o to talk to him... but still i had spent hours on it-- revising it and with some things I did leave -- But put these are my feelings.. so not fact, not really opinion, it is what i feel...

I know at small times of this, looking at pictures can help- Remembering to look at that can be debatable though-- it is hard to explain how I get with this-- i get so consumed some times with thoughts, feelings, and all...., other times not so consumed (like i can catch it before it is an atomic bomb in my head)... perhaps these not so much other times have been growths?

some times talking to my s/o can help wonders-- especially if I am really slipping to the point of planning- like crisis times, but I am able to trust him with his words it is a big help...-- other times when slipping but unable to trust I guess is the big thing with me, i can be what he likes to call "i turn into bob which is not fully me"... it is me but he says it is "bob me"... blah. it is a little bit of a joke between us i guess mainly to lighten the times that this has happened, but at the same time it is not a joke at all...-- . i don't like "bob me", some of "bob me" i don't remember fully at first.. but it is all me..