[Sadguy7]

Think I'm having a episode, so forgive me

But I can't take it anymore, I hate myself and what I've done in the past, and I cant forgive myself and no matter what I do in the future it won't change the past

And even if im a great man now, My past will always exist

Even if I go to heaven, it won't disappear it just Cant and I can't start over or get a new chance because It doesn't disappear

And evn though its long ways over, it still happend and I don't want it to

[Open Eyes]

(((Sadguy))),

Many people have things they experience in their lives where they might have made a mistake or experienced someone abusing them somehow. We are really designed to continue and learn, no matter what.

No, you certainly can't change the past, no one can do that. But, to hang onto mistakes and have regrets and ruminate, is not really what should be done with our lives. We are not here very long you know, so it is important you make an effort to try to find ways to "keep moving forward" no matter what.

Take your life forward, give yourself permission to heal, and even love yourself. After all, we must find our way to "appreciate" life, even if we go through some rough things, we can still go forward.

Do you live near a beach somewhere? What about going out when the tide is beginning to come in, write what you need in the sand, and then watch to ocean come in and wash it away. That is what you can even do in your mind you know. We do not have to choose to live our past, we can, instead, choose to live forward.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Sadguy7]

I understand and been told this

But I just can't move on, it's already done, like a brand new white shirt stained with ink that won't come out.

I can't just keep wearing this shirt and act like the stain isn't there..i just want to throw the shirt away and go back to bed.

[Big Mama]

The Lord forgives all our sins. The littlest lie to the most horrible act of murder. Sin is sin in the eyes of the Lord. If you believe in him and ask for forgiveness and try to learn from your wrongs and not make the same mistakes habitually then you are forgiven. The slate has been wiped clean. Only by you holding on to it and giving it life is it still alive.

A good T or pastoral counselor might be a good idea. If you cannot find a peace with this.

Have you tried writing that lap in judgement and any others no matter how large or small on a piece of paper. Ask for forgiveness and give it to God. To no longer have ownership of your sins and wrongs burn that paper. Now it no longer exists, those sins no longer exist. You gave them to God. They are no longer yours. To prove it you have a pile of ashes. What once was is no longer. do not reclaim that burden. If you sincerely ask they you will be forgiven your slate is clean.

[AngelWolf3]

I understand exactly what you are going through Sadguy7. I too have some horrible things I have done in the past. Some days, I forget I have that shirt. Most days, it won't come off. Open Eyes and Big Mama have given some great advice, I am going to keep trying. It is so hard, though, and I know it feels like it will never go away, and truthfully, it is a piece of history now, but I keep telling myself I have been forgiven and hopefully I will believe it. The people I hurt even have forgiven me, but I still can't yet?

Have you thought about asking those you hurt for forgiveness too, if you haven't already? It is the HARDEST thing to do, to look someone in the eyes like that and hope to God they are willing to forgive, but it is a good feeling when they do...even if it only lasts a day, or an hour, or a few minutes. Just a thought. I hope that you find peace, and please keep posting. There are good people here who do care.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Sadguy7

I understand and been told this

But I just can't move on, it's already done, like a brand new white shirt stained with ink that won't come out.

I can't just keep wearing this shirt and act like the stain isn't there..i just want to throw the shirt away and go back to bed.

(((Sadguy))),

What you are discribing here is the "core" of PTSD. And as someone who struggles myself, I totally understand how you feel.

You have to try to understand that the fact that you have seen your own failures, is the first step to addressing the "stains" that you keep hanging onto.

Yes, you hear others telling you this, but you have not been able to "forgive" yourself for being human and making mistakes in your life.
But you have to dig deeper than that and understand "what" prompted those errors to take place.

I have been doing that myself and it has been quite a journey for me because I have had to look at how my subconscious was loaded from my childhood. We are all born with a pretty "clean" slate and what goes into that subconscious depends on what kind of environment we grow up in and the messages we receive, and how we receive them.

What many struggle with when they present with PTSD is a sense of failure. But that is not being "fair" to "self" because there will be things we genuinely did not know how to "resolve" or "react to" when we faced challenges in our past.

For example; my husband was a binge alcoholic. He succumbed to turning to alcohol in order to overcome some deep seeded issues that he had to address growing up. And he also struggled with ADHD as well. His use of alcohol turned into a behavior pattern where he lied to me, protected his need, and even cheated on me. I was always honest and never deserved it. I did not understand alcoholism either.

When my husband finally got sober, he had to face the "wrongs" and he struggled because he didn't know how to tell me he had "cheated on me". And because he felt guilty, he was actually "mean and dismissive" towards me.

With help he has learned why he had these behavior patterns. He cannot change what he did, all he can do is know it was wrong, why it was wrong and vow to learn how to better live his life. He has had to "forgive" himself. And he helps others to do the same.

We are only human, and we all can make terrible mistakes in our lives.
No, we cannot change the mistakes, but we can choose to learn from them and grow inspite of them, even share with others who struggle as well. You are not alone you know, you are just human after all.

The fact that you can identify your own "errors" is a beginning to healing. If you didn't have this "recognition" going on, there would be now room for "growth" to take place.

You , can never take away the wrongs, but you "can" learn to forgive "self" and move on. We are all designed to do that, even you.

Open Eyes

[Pikku Myy]

Hugs sweetie!!!!! Just breathe....