[Hellion]

My last therapist made a point that if I can't be who I was before maybe I should find a new identity and try to identify with it. But yeah not so sure of myself I mean the only real identities I have are punk and/or metal because that is what I identify with.

Just feel like she expects some normal identity with me and I don't see it happening.

[Alishia88]

well, i tried exactly that and it backfired big time, because in the end,
i still just didn´t feel like me, really "right".

I don´t think we can just "choose" who we want to be, neither can we choose what we like or enjoy.

For myself, I can say that i discovered that i really need is to connect
to everything, the past, and my past me, integrate all the crazyness
inbetween, and then just be whoever it is the person that shows up in the end. which i still haven´t figured out. I have noticed though,
that a lot of my needs and wishes and behaviours are really still there,
and grounded in my personality and just come out naturally, if they get a chance.

Of course, I don´t know what you were like before, if you were able to be and act out what you felt like?

You talk about being punk/metal. Well, do you still like that? Do you still enjoy being within that scene?
I really know not much about it, but is punk/metal really an identity?

Because NOone is just one thing. People in that scene aren´t all alike, are they? Everone is different. What i mean is, you can be in the scene, but it´s just a little part of your identity.

In the end, I guess most of your identity is based on what you like and don´t like, what kind of people you enjoy spending time with, what your personality is like (are you funny, shy, very empathetic...)

It´s not really something you get to choose. It´s already there, and developping further. You just need to find it.

[Open Eyes]

Well, the truth is that "most" people "learn about themselves" all their lives. And we all reach "plateaus" in our lives as well. Many in their "late teens" and "early 20's" reach a disappointing "plateau" because they thought that all of a sudden they would be "grown up" and "know who they are and what they want to be in life". And "most" that head off to college feel intimidated, nervous, out of sorts and lost and want to run back home and hide.

In fact, when my daughter started college, I went to the orientation and they had "just" the parents sit and listen to a talk, while they kept their Teens busy doing something else. All the parents were told that their teens would "call home" and ask to come home and say "this is too hard" Mom/dad and not for me. They said, "do not let them come home no matter how much they whine and dramatize. Most freshman, struggle and "will" adjust so keep them in College no matter how much they complain.

So, there you go, this "question" and sense of "lost myself" is "normal" from the late teens through most of the 20's.

The truth is that "many" people do not really know "who they are or what they will be" for a long time. Often it is more about just getting into a process of taking the steps and learning and "growing' and getting straight A's doesn't mean "success" either.

The "truth" is that a lot of Teens, late teens, and through the 20's battle with "anxiety" and a sense of feeling "lost", normal, normal, normal.

It is not about "creating a new identity", it is about "growing into one" by getting out and learning and growing and you eventually "grow into an identity" and we all go through changes "all our lives".

Open Eyes

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, the truth is that "most" people "learn about themselves" all their lives. And we all reach "plateaus" in our lives as well. Many in their "late teens" and "early 20's" reach a disappointing "plateau" because they thought that all of a sudden they would be "grown up" and "know who they are and what they want to be in life". And "most" that head off to college feel intimidated, nervous, out of sorts and lost and want to run back home and hide.

In fact, when my daughter started college, I went to the orientation and they had "just" the parents sit and listen to a talk, while they kept their Teens busy doing something else. All the parents were told that their teens would "call home" and ask to come home and say "this is too hard" Mom/dad and not for me. They said, "do not let them come home no matter how much they whine and dramatize. Most freshman, struggle and "will" adjust so keep them in College no matter how much they complain.

So, there you go, this "question" and sense of "lost myself" is "normal" from the late teens through most of the 20's.

The truth is that "many" people do not really know "who they are or what they will be" for a long time. Often it is more about just getting into a process of taking the steps and learning and "growing' and getting straight A's doesn't mean "success" either.

The "truth" is that a lot of Teens, late teens, and through the 20's battle with "anxiety" and a sense of feeling "lost", normal, normal, normal.

It is not about "creating a new identity", it is about "growing into one" by getting out and learning and growing and you eventually "grow into an identity" and we all go through changes "all our lives".

Open Eyes

That´s very good advise.

Do you have ideas on how to lower the demands to yourself?
I used to be a high achiever, not a perfectionist. I only became that through my anorexia and have stayed one even after solving my Ed.
I used to be able to work very well and loved it because I didn´t put
set in stone goals before me i "had" to achieve. I just liked the work.
It´s very weird. I think you develop anorexia to improve your self-confidence, but actually it totally destroys it,
because you develop some wrong picture of yourself on how you´re supposed to be. Any self-acceptance you used to have before goes down the drain because while sick you deny your real self and pretend to be some perfect version, you´re not..

[Open Eyes]

Well Alisha, that is a good question and I know that I put a lot of "demands" on myself for many years and never really knew why.

For me, it went back to being upset about things not being "safe" growing up, only I never realized that. When things got bad I would clean my room and in my marriage I kept fixing up my home and keeping it "clean". I also stressed when company came, everything had to look clean and perfect. I can trace that back to playing with my older sister, we played dolls and made up their houses because we didn't have "doll houses". She always made me feel that whatever I created was not as good as what she created.

Plus whenever my grandmother came to visit my mother would get frantic and we would run around the house cleaning everything and dusting because our grandmother inspected the home and would make remarks of disgust if things were not clean.

When we are born our subconscious mind is pretty much a clean slate and it picks up messages while we are growing up. We can form a deep sense or lack of self esteem from the messages we receive from our mothers and siblings that we don't even realize.

Most parents are "ignorant" about this and think their children just grow up and are who they are. They simply don't realize that their children pick up so many things from "them and how they treat the child and behave in the home themselves".

If you figure out the "negetive messages you have in your subconscious" that brings out feelings of being inadequate and uncertain, you can "fix" that and realize that you don't have to "accept" those messages and often the people (parents) you got them from are just "ignorant" in how to properly raise a child.

It has nothing to do with being "unworthy of love or being an uworthy person" either, and by allowing yourself to step outside of "self punishment from parental errors" to a different way of "knowing the truth" you can begin to work on "correcting yourself" slowly and putting in some more "positive ways of thinking".

Alisha, it was good that you learned about how to "understand" the motivation behind your Anorexia.

By the way your mother tends to "burst your bubble" and criticize you, it sounds like she made some parental errors and is just another ignorant mother, not your fault, and never means you are not worthy.
And it doesn't mean she doesn't love you either, it is that she is "unaware" of how she can "hurt you".

Open Eyes