Is it OK to cutoff my parents?

It's been about six months since the flashbacks slowed down and stopped. I feel good, and happy a good portion of the time. I stopped caring and being hurt that my parents just didn't care.

I was molested by my brothers from the age of seven to ten. They use to conjure me into watching pornographic films, and eventually added it touching, and playing. I was really ****ed from the beginning when they were never nice to me unless I would do sexual favors for them. Whenever my parents were home they wanted nothing to do with me. As soon as they would leave my brothers would offer me toys to get me to put their penis in my mouth. My oldest brother would wrap his arms around me when I was doing my chores...it's all just creepy and devastating to look back on. I've never been in a relationship that was healthy.

After my brothers did this to me, after it stopped when I was ten; it was never discussed or brought up in my life again until about fifteen months ago. I'm 26 now, so I lived with all of this alone for sixteen years. Not even my "best" friends knew about the abuse from when I was a child.

When I was six I remember being very sick, and I was hospitalized for a while. I had acute rheumatoid arthritis. From the time I got out of the hospital til about four months ago, TWENTY YEARS, I thought there was a hole in my heart. My parents have denied me fun, and sports because they told me I had a high risk of dying.

My mom has been telling me she was on the verge of dying since I was six as well. I've recently found out she was on meth for a lot of my childhood. I had no idea. I use to play in my bedroom with the lights off because she was always telling me someone was looking through the windows.



I told you all that to tell you this:
My parents yell at me, and are angry with me--because I told them about the sexual abuse. My family will not talk to me because I'm mad about it. I started having the worst flashbacks, I wasn't sleeping--I went to a therapist, and I realize that the sexual abuse was not my fault. I understand all of that, what I don't understand is that my parents are mad at me. WHY?

Then I dove deeper into my life deception and I started ordering all of my previous medical records. I got the medical records from when I was sick when I was six years old. IT SAYS MY HEART IS NORMAL. The exit interview with the hospital sent out a sheet that had every single part of my heart named, and their findings in an ultrasound. IT SAID MY HEART WAS NORMAL. When I ask my mom about this, she just screams, and yells at me. I was very nice, and cordial in asking her--I was just asking here why I got the record and it very plainly and clearly says my heart is normal.

I don't even know what to do, or to say to her, or my dad.

They told me I should just "get over it"....but I don't think it's right, and this is ****ed.


This story is so much longer than what I wrote here. More devastating than I care to remember. My main concern is why did they get mad at me when I told them I was healthy? Why did she tell me I was sick my entire life? Why does she always think she's dying?

Hello and welcome! I don't know your parents and I can't diagnose them, but it could be that your mom has some issue with health and wanted you dependent on her and also wants attention. I just can't say for sure, but she doesn't sound normal.

As far as not wanting to believe you, I would think they might be in denial. It's fairly common for parents to want to deny and to get mad at a child for even suggesting such a thing. Our boys? They wouldn't do anything like that! Or there might be some underlying guilt if they really suspect deep down that it happened and didn't know and didn't protect you or even allowed it to happen.

I suggest you find a copy of the book Toxic Parents. I think that's the one that talks about all what to consider in deciding to make the permanent break with parents.....

I am so sorry all this stuff has happened to you and can understand your anger.

I understand completely. i was molested by a father and son of a family that my parents were very close to. i told them years later after starting therapy to deal w/ flashbacks. they said nothing and remained friends w/ these people. they try to pressure me to "bury the hatchet" and alow these horrible men back into my life. i can't deal w/ it anymore so i refuse to call or visit. i don't even think i'll visit them when they're dying. i send cards for Xmas and their birthdays because cutting them off completely will make them go ballistic and pressure me more. my parents are sick. And it wasn't personal. they treated my brother the same way. It's not worth my sanity to talk to them. so I don't.
I may never know why they are like this and you may never know either. I have a supportive wonderful husband now and many close friends. they are my family now. you may not be able to choose your family, but you can surround yourself w/ loving supportive people. i know it's hard to trust, but hopefully therapy will give you the skills to have insight into what other peoples agendas are. People sexually abused as children have a hard time in their adult relationships because growing up they were taught that their feelings and judgements weren't important. Therapy will help you unlearn this and be able to choose wisely who you get close to. Good luck and thank you for sharing.

You have every right to cut off your parents and family if all they do is cause you problems and make you feel guilty about things you had no control over. At some point, you have to think of yourself first.

You absolutely have the right to cut off your parents. But you feel fear, obligation and guilt because they are your parents and you feel somehow obliged to tolerate them as society says you should.

Society didn't have to endure your childhood. You did.

I second the recommendation of Toxic Parents. I would love to cut my parents off altogether but right now it just isn't possible.

((Katekeizer)),

There are some really good posts to you here and I agree with all of them. From what you discribe, it sounds like your mother is a very unbalanced person. Who even knows if she is truely physically ill herself? It seems like she seems to need to go in that direction when she can't cope somehow. To even begin to understand her you would have to know what kind of environment she grew up in. What were her parents like?

It is often the norm for family to "not understand PTSD and insist you "just get over it and deal". Sorry to say that I had to deal with that myself, I struggled with PTSD and that's all I heard too. It gets so any kind of wordage that resembles "just" can be such a trigger for someone with PTSD. The general public is just so ignorant about mental illnesses to begin with, so they are either dismissive or blame the person struggling or stigmatize them as just crazy somehow.

vrba44070 is right on with the right advice. You "can" with time and a good T get to a point where you recognize the disfunction, learn to heal inspite of it and also learn how to connect with more supportive individuals that can be much healthier for you to be around and have in your life.

One thing I caution though is telling your friends, because they may disappoint you by not responding to you the right way. What you are talking about is not something everyone can be comfortable with and know how to be supportive and understanding about. It isn't anything about your worthiness either, it is just not something many know how to deal with.

Welcome to PC, there are alot of supportive people here so you are welcome to vent, share, ask.

((Welcoming Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I can't say I completly relate...but I was rapped by some I associated for years as a close friend.

so of course any sexual abuse is hard to deal with on psychlogical feild at all.

I am truly sorry you had to deal with such things in your life and that you parent don't believe what happened to you.

if you feel your family un healthy, and you can finically, as well mentally support yourself without them I would suggest avoiding contact it does not seem they are good for you right now in your life at all.

I forgot to mention that some areas have free therapy groups and individual counseling for victims of sexual abuse. I go to a place called Victim Service Center and it's helped a great deal. it's so nice to have people who understand. See if there is that kind of organization in your town. My county government gives grants for places like where i go. Search the terms "victim of crime support" and your county or city.

if you feel your parents are causing you stress or distress to a detrimental level then i say yes talking as one who volunterily cut off all contact with mine years ago. but be assured if you do chose to cut them off it will not be as easy as just ignoring them. you will go through hate, guilt and anger among other things, birthdays, christmases etc will always be tainted with the absence of your parents.

it is ultimately your choice, but please look at the bigger picture if both options first as once you make the leap it will not be easy to change your mind or their view .

I totally hear you. Here is a link to an article that helped me a lot:

Misplaced Loyalty Toward Hurtful Parents | Marcia Sirota

I hope it helps. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Wow, that article changed my life. Thank you. I am experiencing a measure of relief, it made so much sense and yes, it was compassionate. Thank you. Thank you.

((((Kate)))) I can relate and my heart goes out to you. I have been struggling with this matter but have finally (and with confidence) implemented a no contact policy to protect myself from further abuse from my family.

I am working on healing myself, focusing on myself. I cannot change them or the past bit I can heal and make gains and even be happy...for myself.

((((Mogie)))) This link is very helpful. Thank you.

Rose

I am a firm believer that a person needs to do whatever they need to do to protect themselves in recovery, and afterwards. If you're in an abusive relationship, regardless of who it's with, you are always within your rights to leave. It doesn't even have to be 'abusive', it can be any situation which you feel stifling, painful, etc.
I took a break from my entire family for about a year, a few years back. I was going through a mental health crisis (which I am still recovering from) and was tired of dealing with their collective **** - lots of dysfunction, alcoholism, denial, abuse, etc. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't have the same history with my family as you do, and I was able to salvage all the relationships, and a lot of healing and boundary setting has happened all around, which is something that's always been lacking from my family. But they are never the first people I go to support, or the second, or even the third, fourth, or fifth. I know that on many levels they cannot support me. And part of my journey with them has been accepting that. They didn't want to admit that anything was wrong with me because that meant something might be wrong with them. Now, three years later, another sister of mine is in AA, my brother is sober, my other sister is looking at getting sober, and my dad and I actually hang out and can talk. I still have to call him on his **** all the time because a lot of his beliefs and attitudes on things are still completely inappropriate. And my mom and I have a nonexistent relationship, which I still have a lot of feelings about - sadness, anger, abandonment, remorse, bitterness, resentment.
Ultimately the choices we make in relationships are our own. I hope some of what's been said by myself and others in this thread is of use to you. And I wish you well on your healing journey.