[ThisWayOut]

I don't know if it was just my dad's personality overpowering my mom's while I was growing up, or if she picked up his traits after being with him for so long, but she is exactly like him. It's scary. And it's so triggering. I don't want to spend time with her anymore. She evokes the same fear reaction my dad did/does...

I can't wait to move out again. I don't like this situation at all, and I don't like it for my family either. It was a stupid idea to move here. We are trapped at the moment however... ugh...

I feel bad because I left my wife out there to deal with my mom by herself. I will go back out later, but right now, she has my heart pounding and my head starting to space out... I need to ground before I go back out to the kitchen...

How can I gently broach it with my mom? How can I get her to see her behaviors are just like those she despised in my dad?

[Open Eyes]

How old is your mother?

It sounds like she was "alone" for a while and now has you and your family living with her?

Could it be overwhelming for her, and she tends to express it in ways that "hurt" you?

I am trying to get an idea of what kind of life she was "used to" before it "changed" with you and your family moving back home. It sounds like your father passed and she has been alone for a while and has adapted to the quiet of being "alone" and not "waiting on anyone". It can be very "difficult" to be "older" and live in a low key and quiet style for a while and suddenly have people "constantly" around.

OE

[ThisWayOut]

She actually divorced my dad, but they hang out as friends now. She was alone for about 4 years. And in her 60's. I know it's stressful having all of us around, But it's hard to deal with her responses that are exactly verbatim what she hates when my dad says it. She still gets pissed at him when he says the same things around her. I'm trying to make it less stressful being here with her, But we have very different ideas of stress. I think we need to figure out some better ground rules. We moved in because the house is actually mine, and there is tons of space. She just got used to the whole house to herself in the last 4 years.
I really want to be able to have her see how she comes off to everyone else. I know it's mostly selfish reasons (because I moved out years ago to get away from this kind of environment), but she also just seems so miserable. She's always angry about everything, but she denies it. She noted up at the slightest annoyance. She had broken more things in the house in the last 4 year's than I think she's purchased (smashed out of anger). She's just like my dad was. And when she threatens my animals, I get totally triggered and protective. My animals took beatings from my dad in the past, and she scares me with her reactions that she will start that too. She was the recipient of some bad domestic violence. It's sad to see her engaging in the same behaviors... and it's insanely triggering. I know I should learn to respond differently, but it's really hard right now. :/

[Open Eyes]

Well, that's what can happen when a person spends a lot of time with another person who is "dysfunctional", they can take on the other person's dysfunctional behavior patterns unknowingly.

I have seen this myself and I also am challenged with my own husband who reacts to me in ways that "trigger me" and I can't seem to get him to recognize it either. I find myself wishing I had a small video camera attached to my head or somehow could record him so I can have a way of showing him how badly he reacts towards me. I firmly believe that people behave badly and are really unaware of it. I get triggered all the time because I am "alone" with it and I don't have anyone to witness how bad he can get sometimes.

If you could find a way to have some kind of hidden video so you could record this behavior of hers and then "show it to her"? I think that's the only way she might get it. I think about this "constantly myself" because I can't get my husband to recognize his "bad habits" of interacting with me, he just ends up "denying" it. I get so bad that I often respond on the defensive before he presents his bad habits towards me.
I am wondering if that is how bad your mother is now, she reacts in constant anger from "years" of being treated so badly, it has become a weird reflex. That is what "years" of abuse does to someone, it just breaks them down to where they are constantly on the defensive with "anyone" that reminds them of the "triggering abuse". It sounds like your mother doesn't know how to "function" without it so even though she "divorced" him, she still is trapped in the "dysfunction" , its her "normal" and she has "lost her independent thinking". She has developed a "victim mentality" and is "unaware" how "toxic" it has made her.

We all can get into a "routine" in our mindset, auto pilot, that we are not consciously "aware of". People can get into a routine of working and living their lives a certain way and "retirement" is such a shock to them that they actually die a short time "after" they retire. The same thing can happen with a long time relationship with another person, we tend to get so used to the patterns and "adapt" subconsciously that any kind of "end" or "change" can become a huge challenge and as with your mother, she never could really free herself from it and be "independent".

OE