Why does it all have to be so hard?

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself today. Been doing housework all day, which helps a lot just by keeping busy. But been thinking about the past a lot today, and it is hard. I deserved a life better than I had. It's funny, too, that when I had opportunities, I was often held back by the emotional ghosts of the past. For example, I passed on attending law school when I had the chance. I regret that now. So many chances to better my life passed on because of baggage, a lot of feelings of inadequacy. And the biggest feeling, an underlying "why bother, I could die any time, I will never live to be X years old." My T pointed that out, since I have been a client since 1999 and she has heard all. I think there is a specific term for that and it's a diagnostic criterion in the DSM IV.

I still vacillate between feeling like the absolute scum of the earth, and feeling like I am a pretty nice guy. At my lowest, I was walking around telling myself, and telling my T that I was worse than a rapist or pedophile or murderer, because I had been sent to the day hospital, which crushed my spirit completely. I know that was/is completely irrational.

And, because of something I did at my low point, which I am extremely ashamed of, and which was exceedingly stupid and dangerous. Incredibly stupid. Also ironic. This is probably VERY TRIGGERING, SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION. I thought my life was over. On the Sunday morning of Labor Day weekend, I went in the early morning dark to sit on a fishing pier at a local park, with a loaded gun, intending to end it. Which was ironic, because my breakdown was precipitated by threats of being stalked and shot by the unstable client, reinforced by seeing news coverage of mass shootings, and it brought back very vivid memories of my father threatening me at gunpoint as a kid and telling me I was worthless. Little wonder I struggle with it now.

I am extremely ashamed of that. And it could have put myself and others in grave danger if someone had seen me and called police. It is one thing I have to face before I can really move on. The anniversary date coming up really bothers me.

I didn't deserve any of that, I have tried to be a good man who is an asset to society. No one with PTSD ever did anything to deserve the events that got them there, sure of that.

I am trying my best to fix this, it is just a hard day.

Btw, the gun was his, and it is gone now, the local PD let me surrender it for meltdown. The bullets are gone into the muck at the bottom of the lake. I believe they will corrode rapidly so as to be neutralized. There is no swimming or diving there, and it gets deep rapidly, so I think it will be ok.

MTJ just came to this forum to look something up for reference. I'm sorry you had such a hard day and I'm even more sorry that you had to go through that with your father as a child. What I'm not sorry about is that you're here among us, finding friends and feeling better about yourself hopefully on more days than not. **hug**

Thank you, that is very kind of you. I am such a mix of emotions these days. Trying to literally confront this so I can move on. I need to put the shame and guilt behind me. I did stupid things out of desperation, like probably a billion others have done over the course of humanity on this planet. I know intellectually it doesn't make me a bad guy.

Honestly, this is the very next big topic with the psychiatrist - if I have so much going for me, why do I feel like a criminal who shouldn't even be allowed in civil society, but locked away somewhere?

(((Mowtown)))

Every once in a while I read the symptoms of PTSD and I realize that I definitely "have all the symptoms". You know?, sometimes I just can't believe this challenge really exists and that I have it.

Oh I was really bad for a while and I had suicidal thoughts many days, and they were strong too. I sat on my bed with a gun in my hands too. I was actually angry because I told my husband I had these bad thoughts and talked about the weapon too. Apparently he just didn't believe me because he kept a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed. I finally told my T and my T called my husband and had him come in to see him for a serious talk.

PTSD can have a phase where these terrible thoughts take place. I don't know why this happens or what goes on in the brain, but it was not anything I had ever pictured myself feeling or struggling with. It is important for anyone to know, these feelings can come and go and even be strong, but they "will" finally ease up. It is very important to remember "not to give in" because this part of PTSD "will subside".

They way you ponder about what "could have been" is also "normal" too. All the challenges you have are phases and if you keep up with therapy, you will keep gaining and healing and learning too.

No, you are not a bad guy, so don't tell yourself that. Don't allow yourself to be hard on yourself either, that too is part of the PTSD challenge. Allow yourself to just keep healing and learning and gaining and growing.

(((Hugs)))))
OE

I think I need to do something "big" in my life, to prove to myself again that I have some value to myself and others. Maybe graduate school.

You could plan to pick a path forward, but IMO it is better to do it not to prove your worth to yourself and others, but to just take on a new path and see where it goes.