[HealingNSuffering]

4th of July is a nightmare to me, thunder storms make jump every time the thunder crashes. I'm in that hyper-vigilant state right now and every little noise makes me jump, everything is perceived as a potential threat and I'm on the look out for anything out of the ordinary. When I see helicopters in the sky I wonder if they are looking at me, or what it is they are doing up there.

[MotownJohnny]

Personally, I love storms and fireworks. Sorry to hear you are so tense. Did the trauma that caused your PTSD involve a storm, explosion, or some other loud noise? Or is this "just one of this things?"

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Personally, I love storms and fireworks. Sorry to hear you are so tense. Did the trauma that caused your PTSD involve a storm, explosion, or some other loud noise? Or is this "just one of this things?"

I used to love storms and 4th of July, until the PTSD kicked back in, now any loud noises made by anything can cause me to become panicky when I'm not in a state of numbness. Things sort of built up to it yesterday, we covered more instances my trauma in my meeting with my T, my startle response was already heightened when I got there, first thing that put me on edge was helicopters in the sky, then it was a horn honking, then at the grocery store I kept jumping because it was so crowded. Then the storm came and I started getting startled every time the thunder crashed and lightning lit the sky around me. As far as trauma goes, I've been shot at, homeless, robbed, beat down by both police and criminals, jumped, received numerous serious death threats, almost got choked to death over a dozen times, bullied in school, abused as a child sexually, physically, mentally and neglected. I'm also a victim of the drug war, been rounded up and arrested in several RAIDS. Growing up in Detroit I've bared witness to 100's of violent crimes and never snitched once. I was also in a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath for 3 years, which was also very traumatic.

Last night I had numerous nightmares of the beatings, RAIDS, rip offs and I relapsed in my nightmare as well. Like I said in a previous post I much rather be disassociated and numb than feeling all this hyper-arousal.

[avlady]

Boy you've been through alot, i hope you can get through this with doc and T you need to address your problems you've mentioned.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by avlady

Boy you've been through alot, i hope you can get through this with doc and T you need to address your problems you've mentioned.

Thanks avlady my T said during the first month of treatment she is shocked at all the trauma I've been through. She validated all my feelings about them and she told me "you're not crazy, you've just been through a lot of s**t" then I got really angry for awhile about all the injustices of living in poverty. This is the best T I've ever had, I've had 5 therapists so far in my life, this is the only one who let me know that she also struggled from mental health issues. I can relate so much better to her because she knows how it feels more than the PHD Psychoanalyst I used to see. I recently had a "come to Jesus" moment and started practicing forgiveness for the small stuff, I am still working on the bigger issues. Because I had always repressed my anger and when I did express it, I expressed it in explosive and violent ways that were destructive of myself and others. I became my own worst enemy, paranoid and self sabotaging.

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche German philosopher