[Trailrunner]

Hello everyone. I am looking for a little guidance to help me with my girlfriend who has PTSD.

Here's the back story:

I met the love of my life two and a half years ago. When I first met her, I wasn't aware of the trauma she encountered when she was around three years old. But after we became more serious, like four months into the relationship, she informed me of what occurred. She's in her late 30s now and I'm 41, and she's been dealing with this trauma her whole life and has not been able to get control of it.

Basically, her family is very ho-hum about it. They love her but don't want to give her the support she needs to heal. And that's where I came in. Their idea is to "just get over it".

I have always stood by her even in her very dark difficult moments. And because I'm the first person in her life who has truly loved her and given her unconstitutional support, there has been so much coming out these last two years. I'm the reason a lot of the trauma, repressed memories, and flashbacks are occurring. She told me its because she finally feels safe enough with someone to let them out.

But her healing has stalled this year. Her therapist was doing hypnotherapy and was doing it wrong, we later found out. Basically, the therapist made things worse. My girlfriend stopped seeing her therapist four months ago. I feel she needs a professional to help her guide her through the healing process, but she won't go see another therapist. She is not on any medications either. Both her and I agree medication only covers up the problem and not deal with it. She was on every medication known to man over her lifetime and none of it worked. She's also seen therapists since her late teens, off and on. And to compound the issue, she has serious adrenal depletion and has been placed on a cortoroid steroid to try to get her adrenals to function properly. Because of this medical issue, which was ultimately caused by the trauma, there are a host of other health problems she is facing: food sensitivities, asthma, insomniac moments, extreme fatigue, headaches and stomach aches to name a few. My girlfriend is a successful professional and is very intelligent, especially when it comes to learning more about her situation. She has probably logged hundreds of hours researching techniques, medication side effects, and treatments on the web. Often, she has more knowledge about health related issues than the doctor. She is very, VERY thorough. But even with all her knowledge and understanding of how trauma works and its effect on the human body, she just can't heal successfully from the PTSD. It always wins. She has conquered a lot in her life, but she hasn't been able to heal.

Sorry this is long winded, but I was looking for advise on how to help her when she's having a flashback and wants to push me away. I don't feel she, or any victim, should have to deal with this alone. What strategies can I use to help her fight the urge to trash her apartment, push me away, not feel triggered, or to stop a flashback?

Any help and guidance will be greatly appreciated.

[CedarS]

She won't go to a therapist for now, but you could. You are in a stressful situation. Also a therapist can give you ideas on what to do when your loved one is not stable.

A therapist can help air out your concerns, keep you on a healthy track, and make sure that you aren't getting too swamped and enmeshed by the situation.

I think you might be taking on too much responsibility. You cannot, and should not be in the role of therapist/ sole caretaker. When she pushes you away, you may need to respect that boundary setting, even if you don't think it is good for her ultimately.

If she trashes the apartment, she may need to then deal with the consequences of that.

A good PTSD book will have ideas for her on how to ride through triggers and flashbacks safely.

[Open Eyes]

((Trailrunner)),

Wow, it is so nice of you to want to make an effort to stay and help your girlfriend.
I agree with Cedar, you probably should look for a therapist that specializes in treating PTSD for support.

It is not unusual for someone who has had a "history of abuse and abandonment" to become "high achievers" either. Unfortunately those who struggle with PTSD often are in the same scenario where their family members and even friends are "dismissive and have these "just deal and get over it" comments. Yes, these people tend to only "aggravate" the PTSD because people that struggle with PTSD would love nothing more then to be able to "just get over it".

"I'm the reason a lot of the trauma, repressed memories, and flashbacks are occurring. She told me its because she finally feels safe enough with someone to let them out. " quote Trailrunner

Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Your gf doesn't know "how to relax and trust" and what is happening is she tends to be haunted by that child that was abused/abandoned and she never had a chance to establish a sense of "safety in her subconscious programming". Unfortunately her family continues to abandon her with how they continue to be so unsupportive or make a strong effort to "help her with her needs".

I have this problem myself, I was abused when I was very small too, and I really never "felt safe" growing up. Basically, my childhood programed me to be "hyper vigilant" and that's all I really knew how to be in order to "thrive". I didn't know what that was, I didn't know what hyper vigilance was or stress/anxiety.

If I am triggered in a certain way, I have flashbacks going all the way back to when I am extremely small and I could not figure out "what" was happening to me, all I know is that I am very "cold, my stomach hurts badly, and I just cry and cry" and I can't see anyone doing anything.

One day my therapist said that what it could be is that I am "wet, cold, and hungry" and crying and no one is coming to my calls. After giving it a lot of thought, I remember that the house I grew up in was older and "cold" and my mother had two other children to tend to and she was overwhelmed and on top of that my older brother was a huge challenge to her, he was always acting out and running away.
I do remember being "abandoned" a lot because my mother was always trying to control my older brother and often I was left with my sister while my mother would be out trolling our neighborhood looking for my older brother who was only a small child himself.

If I get triggered a certain way, I get the chills badly and in may ways I re-experience that cold, scared, child in flashbacks and body memories. The average person cannot fathom what experiencing this challenge is like either. And unfortunately, people tend to be so dismissive about it that all they do is "make it worse". My family has done that with me "a lot". It was really bad until my husband was called in to talk it over with my therapist. My husband would basically yell at me to "stop acting like a child" when I was experiencing these flashbacks. My therapist had to explain to him that I could not help it and he needed to "back off" and give me space and do his best to "comfort me".

And, it's embarrassing to get triggered and experience these flashbacks or suddenly be struck by so much "sudden anxiety" and not have a way of explaining to others how much work it is to "self sooth and calm down".

And it has nothing to do with a person being "unworthy or weak or loony or stupid".
I have met people who struggle with PTSD that are the "nicest" people too. I am sure you have seen that in your girlfriend too.

I am sure she wants so badly to get better too, we all do. I don't think one ever "completely heals" either, they just have to take time to figure out how and where they are somehow damaged, and keep working through it and gaining skills to better manage the PTSD.

Each person is different depending on their history and what kind of trauma, or trauma's they experienced too. Some people have a very hard time "trusting" depending on their history too. Trust = Being more vulnerable to many. So most likely your girlfriend's reactions or challenges with you isn't that she doesn't love or want to love you, it just tends to bring out that part of her that was hurt and someone was not there to "save or comfort her" and as I mentioned, with what you are describing of her family, they still don't give her that "validation and comfort".

I am willing to bet your girlfriend often feels "unworthy" somehow because she "wants to love and trust you" but she struggles so much. I find that I often tend to "apologize" and utter, "I am sorry" a lot.

I can also understand her backing away from therapy if she was not treated right too. I can't blame her as she "trusted and was hurt". Well, I have been in that scenario myself, I too have read a lot about PTSD and she is right, it is hard to find a "good therapist" that really "knows how to work with PTSD patients in ways that actually "help". I am lucky, in spite of my reservations, I kept looking and finally found a good T and it has helped me a lot. I would say that my T and I work as a team on my healing too, and that is important.

OE