[wordydirds]

Hi.
I had two serious traumas happen in the year 2012. Well, the second one was a captivity situation that ended Feb 1 2013.

I have read about how dates and anniversaries can have a really profound effect on our struggles with PTSD.
I am wondering though if anyone here can relate to this:

I am noticing that in small ways, I am recreating conditions that match what was happening to me exactly a year ago. I am choosing to live/sleep in parts of the house that aren't supposed to be lived in.
(I feel like PTSD has turned me into a barn animal.)
During my time of being kept in a camper in the winter against my will and abused... I was made to use the bathroom in a bucket.
I try so hard to fight the urge to do this in my own basement... there is a bathroom right up the stairs. WHY can't I make myself go up and use it? Why am I pissing in a bucket? I don't understand why this part of me wants to re-enact what happened... and more importantly, why it is overpowering the part of me that wants to get BETTER.

I had totally stopped living this way over the summer/early fall, and the closer it has gotten to winter, the worse I've gotten.

I am also wondering if some of the anniversary-related backslides in progress will keep happening after I have made it through every season since my last trauma happened. I feel like I've gotten to a much better place with the trauma that happened in summer of 2012, but now it feels like I'm disappointing everyone who cares about me because I'm really bad again over the anniversary of my second trauma.

Any kind words or advice would be helpful, thank you.

[sweepy62]

Im so sorry this happened to you. Im currently working through some ptsd myself from childhood, but when I was 19 I lived with my aunt for a while who I did not know was schizophrenia and all of a sudden she used to stack furniture by the door and not let me out tii the morning, and I had to do my necessities in the bathroom floor on a newspaper. I had nowhere to live or eat, I kept coming back, until.i flew back to my moms dysfunctional house. I know how you feel.

[Patagonia]

Anniversary dates are triggering for me bec all I can think is "what was I doing a yr ago....what was I feeling...where were my emotions." It's getting worse as my anniversary approaches. Dec 14th the Newtown shootings. I've decided to already stop watching tv now so I do t have to get sucked in again.
I also notice that I'm constantly comparing myself to that person a yr ago. I had no idea how to deal w/ PTSD & did some really stupid things. It's very easy to let my brain go back there & start to do those things again bec even though they weren't good for me it's how I handled the trauma. Now I know I have to go back & help that traumatized person & help her heal.
Not sure if this helped but I do feel for you when you talk about PTSD.
Peace

[avlady]

I AM NOT SURE IF I HAVE PTSD, BUT I WAS HIT BY A VAN 30 YEARS AGO, GOT SEVERAL BROKEN BONES AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS EVERY TIME OF YEAR AT THIS TIME, DEC8 WAS THE DAY I EVEN REMEBER THE TIME 8:30 AM. I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GO OUT OF THE HOUSE AS I WAS ALSO IN SEVERAL OTHER ACCIDENTS, AND AM SCARED TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. i HAVE COME TO GRIPS THAT IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER, BUT AM SEEING THE DOCS AND T'S AND IT IS EVEN HARD TO GO FOR THE CAR RIDE TO GET THERE TO SEE THEM. OH WELL ANYWAY IS ALL HAVE LEFT TO SAY, THERE ARE NO OTHER WORDS....

[wordydirds]

Thank you. Did you continue to have issues with going to the bathroom in appropriate places into adulthood? I'm curious if this is common at all in ptsd

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by wordydirds

Thank you. Did you continue to have issues with going to the bathroom in appropriate places into adulthood? I'm curious if this is common at all in ptsd

I felt shame I felt like an animal, like I was not worthy of using a normal bathroom , I had to force myself to be normal again, I would have panic attacks, I would self medicate ( marijuana) until I confided in a friend who helped me.