[Karrebear]

Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew...

I have had more bad experiences regarding sex than good.

I feel ashamed. Sometimes I feel like I would like to have sex but feel I shouldn't feel that way considering my past experiences.

Someone is supposed to come over tonight because he wants to have sex. I said yes and completely regret it. I feel bad say no at this point because I feel I owe him. I don't want to be a tease but Im super scared and upset. Im so stupid.

Please help me. i don't know what to do.

[Leah123]

You are not obligated to have sex with anyone, no matter what, even if you said yes earlier. Everyone is entitled to change our minds. I suggest you go out for some coffee so you're not home for a while, but leave the person a phone/text/email explaining that you apologize for the inconvenience, but have decided it's not best for you to do this and you hope they will please not contact you and that it's nothing personal at all.

[A Red Panda]

If he by chance hasn't shown up yet.. just call and lie. Tell him that something you ate isn't agreeing with you and you feel like throwing up.

Like yeah... lying isn't good. But hey, I don't think this is a bad lie. Unless you trust him and feel like you could tell him that you have changed your mind... then it's ok to lie.

You are not obligated to have sex even if you agreed to it earlier.

[Karrebear]

I told him it wasn't a good idea. He is not coming over. I feel like such a pile of crap

Thank you both for responding

[A Red Panda]

I know how you're feeling... but you made the right choice!!

[Leah123]

Good for you!!! There is nothing wrong about changing your mind. You did not owe him anything, sex should be a gift always given freely, and you have done this person no harm. No harm at all. They're totally fine and can go look for what they want elsewhere. It's okay, and you probably saved both of you a lot of drama, so I think you did very well karma-wise.

[Karrebear]

You guys are my favorite

This man is kind and understands. We are talking about my fears and such (which would have never happened if he came over). I know I shouldn't feel bad...but sometimes I know he is let down...which makes me feel bad bc i know he is upset because of me.

Its alright. It will be ok

[PeeJay]

That was difficult to do - telling him no. And you did it. I hope you sleep well tonight, in comfort and peace and safety.

[LilithOwl]

I often find myself flip-flopping between wanting to have sex or not. I feel this comes from a deep part of myself that often gets scared during the foreplay/lead up before intercourse; this also leads me to rush past these parts of a sexual experience to avoid the anxiety or disappointment of my partner when I change my mind at the last second. So far the best therapy has been a man who I can talk to and understands that some times I might just stop, even in the middle of intercourse, and ask if we could please cuddle. He expects nothing more from me than what he is given every second during our bedroom time and never makes me feel pushed. This being said, I still feel like a pile of **** when I stop him and when it was any of my other boyfriends I would prefer to cry through it quietly than stop.
I know this is wrong, I knew it then, and the fact that you didn't let this happen to you makes me feel better(funny however true). Thank you for sharing and please keep holding your wishes as the first priority like you did here. I am really glad to hear that he was understandable and you shouldn't feel bad for expressing how you felt.

[CathyCobb]

re: nobody ever died from not getting the sex they were anticipating...

[purple sinatra]

Do not ever feel obligated to have sex with anyone. You never owe anyone this, no matter what. You did the right thing and you should be very proud of yourself, karrebear! I know it was difficult.

[Open Eyes]

It isn't really about the "sex", you are a normal healthy person who has a sex drive.
What it is really about is "boundaries", you need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for "you" and when you achieve that, you will decide when "you" want sex and not feeling like you need to because you think that is what someone else wants of you.

You need to take your own body back, it's yours, not someone else's. People have a lot of confusion about this. It isn't the sex, it isn't that you should not have sexual pleasure either, it is about "boundaries" and realizing you don't need to feel shame when it is "your choice" to enjoy your body and your own sexuality. If another person can't respect that then that person is just not worthy of your time. You don't have to give up your boundaries to be loved either.