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#1
Jan 21, 2014, 03:58 AM
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So, please tell me what do you do when your mom is your biggest trigger and she is extremely present in my life. I mean very present. I'm an only child, but I am a 35 year old woman. Just got married in May and just got diagnosed in September. An extremely hostile boss triggered the PTSD and I'm deep in it now. Mom never abused me or anything, just made a lot of really bad choices, during my developmental years that stayed with me...lots of moves, marriages, boyfriends, other stuff. Anyway, I'm trying to set boundaries, but we are close and she calls all of the time and wants to see me. I never really leave the house, have isolated myself from my friends, and am always pissed off at my mother. She knows everything, but can't seem to process it and won't give me any space. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty too. Any advice?
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 Auntie2014, caseygirl
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#2
Jan 21, 2014, 04:10 AM
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Buy her a book about boundaries, and tell her she can not call you till she has read the book and agrees to honor your boundaries. You are just married, so you can remind her that the rules changed when you said I Do. Then stick to your new rules.
Good Luck! |
 purple sinatra
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#3
Jan 21, 2014, 12:06 PM
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Quote:
Setting boundaries is tough, however, your mother may not realize she is kind of smothering you. Buying a book was a good suggestion, but some people just don't 'get it'. Is she difficult to talk to, does she have a preconceived notion or idea as to how your relationship should be with her? Sometimes mothers feed us the guilt trip. Perhaps having a talk over lunch? Breaking it gently? I have finally said adios to my mother (for the 3rd/4th time), she is so toxic that I just can't have her in my life. This doesn't sound like your situation, however, with my mom she'll never know why or how she hurts me or will ever 'get it'. She still makes me feel guilty though ~~ that's why I'm still in therapy! 
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| purple sinatra
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| purple sinatra
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#4
Jan 21, 2014, 01:07 PM
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It sounds like your mother never really established her own identity and was a needy person. She probably didn't have good parenting herself so she didn't know how to be a good parent to you. It sounds like she is being "dependent" on you in a role reversal, you providing attention to her in a kind of parenting way, something she never grew out of "needing" in her life.
To understand "your troubled roots" you need to see hers, it's always there. |
| purple sinatra
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#5
Jan 21, 2014, 10:47 PM
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OE, you hit the nail on the head about my mom's parents. My grandmother is an extremely manipulative woman who never gave my mom the love she needed. She was awful to her. She is also an alcoholic. So, my mom tries to make it up to me by being the mother that she never had. Especially, after the awful childhood I had. I try and tell her that I'm not angry about the past, but I am angry about the present. How she is holding me back from getting better and will not pay any attention to any boundary I set. She even got so out of control once, that she called my md. I would occasionally get steroid injections in my lower back, due to an injury. There was that scare awhile back and she got so freaked she called my doc, because I didn't call her back within an hour. The codependency is killing me and it's beginning to break me down. Thanks everyone for the advice. I know that she's not going to change and I have to. I have to buy the boundary book.
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| Open Eyes
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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