[read.learn.love]

Hi all!

I'm new here, and I was wondering if any of you may be able to help me.

This time last year, I started remembering my past, and I thought I had remembered all of it, or at least a large percentage of it. The problem that I'm having now is that just last night, I got a piece of a memory.

This happened last year, when a memory was too intense for me to remember, my mind could only focus on one thing in the memory, and it took a while for the rest of the memory to unfold.

The thing is, last year, I had remembered the shadow of a tree branch. It was like a still, or a photograph of this shadow, which turned out to be something I had focused intently on while being hurt. But now, I had a flashback of someone at the foot of my bed, looking like they're kneeling, and putting their arm on my bed. I see the size of the bed, and know that I'm very little (between 6-8 maybe), because I see where my feet end, and this grey/black misty blob sets their arm down on the bed just below my feet. It's difficult for me because when I finally had remembered the rest of the shadow branch memory, it just sort of flung itself at me, playing from the "photograph" and playing to the end. Now, I don't have a still, but a very small movie of the seconds prior to something. I don't physically feel anything, I just feel terror.

I know it's also not detailed, which bugs me. Everything but the blob though is vivid. I don't even know if it's a man or woman. But the memory ends there, and I feel this sense of absolute terror to the point of wanting to scream. But I don't know if I feel terror from that time, or terror now...if that makes sense. Like, at the time I don't think I was scared, but I am now, even though my conscious doesn't remember all of the memory.

I'd rather not go to a therapist, since I have had a very bad experience with one before (I'm sure others are fine, but I wouldn't be able to open up, defeating the use). I'm currently talking with my mom, who is my safe person and confidant. I'm a 19 y.o. female if that helps.

I'd like some advice on how I can tell my mind that I'm ready for the rest of the memory, because I don't want to go through 3 months of hell to remember like last time.

Thank you all for your help!

[read.learn.love]

Update:

Talking with my mom tonight with questions pertaining to my fragmented memory, I uncovered more of the memory.

It wasn't in MY room, but in my grandparent's room when my sister and I would stay over there until late at night every once in a while, while my parents were on a date. I think I know who it was that did it, as the blob started taking on physical characteristics of this person (ie, I now see curls, and what I think are earrings).

I'm also now having more fragmented memories in conjunction with the main one, where I remember dark red acrylic nails, and an incident at a friend's house where I was alone in a dark room with a door open (similar to what I now remember of this potential abuse) during a sleep over, and I had my first panic attack and uncontrollably began screaming and crying as I ran downstairs.

In the memory of being at my friend's house, I remember being absolutely terrified of someone coming through the door to hurt me.

I'm remembering more, though I would still appreciate very much if any of you could give me some advice on how and maybe when you remembered anything of your past. This experience is nothing like last year. I feel like I'm in open water and I'm trying desperately to remember how to swim.