[ResaLock]

WARNING!!! MAY BE SEVERELY TRIGGERING!!!

I suffered a severe trauma at the age of 14. I had to deal with it alone. Though I had already gone through very hurtful things in my life. where others were actually experiencing it, suffering more than myself. ...but it caused a lot of pain. I went through other things myself in other ways of how I was treated.

...My life has moved on, things changed and I struggled to make things better and a better life for my family. Which did not happened as I struggled for.
I again had more traumas in my life going through domestic violence.

At a time around 2005 an old wound seemed to have opened. A wound that I believe has been healed...but I cannot seem to heal it this time around. As I have an opened old wound and than more on top of that. I know how and when it got re-opened. I wound up reaching out for help to someone and I realized and what I have suffered from them, (it was a cult like scene)

I was a victim of domestic violence and reached out for help by my church. I was mocked, made fun of and even blamed. It only repeated a cycle of what I grew up with. TO KEEP SILENT! DON"T TALK ABOUT IT! ...etc. etc.

WARNING MAY BE VERY TRIGGERING BELOW!!!
WARNING BELOW IS A DISCUSSION OF RAPE!!!

When I was 14 I was grabbed by a stranger from a baseball park. He came up to me and asked for a flash light. I told him I did not have one. He went to his car and I walked toward him and asked if he would like me to get one from my house. He seemed like a nice old man. He had the hood of his car open as he was working on it. He said to me no. ...then he asked me if I could hold my foot on a pedal and just hold it there. He shut the hood of the car went to the back of the trunk and came back grabbed my hair and forced me down on the floor, on the passenger side. He told me not to move and he won't hurt me. He put a blind fold over my eyes (seemed like a sleep mask) and tied my hands behind my back (seemed like dog leashes) I did not move, the whole time I thought I was going to die. I tried to remember where we were going. Thinking about running away and to find my way back. I could not remember. I remember walking along side a house and scraped my arm on the wall, which seemed like to be a brick house. We drove what seemed to be like a long time, but we were still near the ocean. Closer, because I could hear it. There was a sidewalk along side the house. We entered a house and it had plastic runways on the carpet. I banged into a table and the light was turned on, because I could see a little at the bottom...and saw the floor. It was a blue carpet. He guided me around the table into a room that was next to it. He told me to stand next to the closet and don't move. I did not see a closet. He told me it was there. I remember having thoughts of being put in the closet and killed. ...but it never happened. I was then sat on a bed. I think I was drugged. ...but I do not know...I remember feeling a pinch, I remember trying to talk to him so he would not hurt me. I did not know about rape. I did not know about sex. He laid me down and a wig fell on my face. I asked him about it, he said it was a wig. He told me he wasn't going to hurt me.
I passed out... I do not remember it...I woke up later remembering him sitting me up and giving me many napkins in my hand. My pants were mostly on. He told me to clean up and fix my pants (I was wearing white shorts about to the middle of my thigh,because of my background we were not allowed to wear short shorts) I did not know what I looked like since the whole time I was still tied and blind folded. He took me back, the same I got there. Put back on the floor. I remember trying to focus so hard on where I was. Being on the floor blind folded confused me. I could not follow it.
When I was taken back to the same place. He told me do not move and I will not get hurt and keep my head down. He gave me instructions and said when I open the door I am going to let you out. Do not look at me. Do not turn around and walking slowly away from me and do not look back or I will kill you.
I started crying as I saw blood all over me. I thought I had my monthly cycle.
I did as he said and when I got half way across the baseball field I started running home. It was about 2 blocks away. I went into the house and walked in the foyer. I was crying and said I was just kidnapped. My (adopted mother) was in the kitchen. I saw her in the kitchen through the dining room. At the time I remembering it looking so far away. She did see me. She said, "Thats nice." She was very avoidant of everything. Even her own biological children being molested. I went into my room. Then I went into the bathroom. I washed and I scrubbed myself as it felt like I could not get the blood off. I do not remember the rape. ...but I felt dirty and I was in pain and never felt anything like that before. I threw out my clothes...but not right away. I wrapped them in other clothing and put them my closet and then just sat in a corner and it felt like my soul was robbed from me. I cried and my head felt like it was going to explode. I remember just holding my head. I stayed in the closet for days. NO one coming to check on me, no one seeing if I ate. I remember hearing a couple of my friends come to the door and my (adopted mother) just told them I was not there. I had never not been there ever night or for a long time prior. I know she had to of heard me crying. I know she knew I was there. No one came to my door, no one even asked me if I wanted something to eat, no one asked about me, or looked for me. I just know days went by. I heard them. I remember being in school and I fell asleep. Everything felt distant from me. I remember my teacher in 7th grd. (public school) asking me if anything was wrong. Asking me if I have been drinking. I have never drank in my life, and at that time it was in my head that teenagers did not drink. (I went to a private school half my life) So his questions were very strange to me. It only made me feel like I was a bad person.

I wound up just going back to everyday things...though it still bothered me. I pretended it did not happen. ...and never spoke about it.
Time went by and I slept with my boyfriend. Who I thought I was going to marry. I was about 15 when I CHOSE to be with him intimately.
My experience was, is that it healed me. My wounds were healed. ...and I was happy...
Of course my (adopted mother) took me away from him.

Anyway... I realized I did suffer an acute stress at that time. Later on experiencing acute stress from other circumstances. ..

...but I thought I was passed that. Then I went to ask for help as I was a victim of domestic violence. It was a church who echoed everything that KEPT MY (adopted mothers) mouth shut not responding to anything. I was in a traumatized state asking for help...from my present abuses from my spouse.

In the church they said things that only echoed with silencing the victim and witness. AGAIN!!!
...telling me, these things do not happen to those who have faith in God and I need to seek Jesus, and God protects his own.
- Telling me complaining is a sin
- judging is a sin
always echoing the words...THE BLOOD OF JESUS... power in the blood of Jesus.
-Telling me that bad things happen to people who are not of God.
-They mocked my anxieties and not trusting them as having no faith.
They put me through a trial and targeted me, actually mentally abusing me. It was a complete MIND RAPE!

I CAN"T SEEM TO HEAL THE WOUND AGAIN!!! WITH MANY WOUNDS PUT ON TOP OF THAT! I CAN"T SEEM TO HEAL THOSE WOUNDS EITHER!!! I have been triggered in the last approx.8-9 years of something that happened when I was 14. I have been healed by and did not suffer triggering and PTSD, though I have suffered acute stress from the experience.

I NOW HAVE CPTSD... and my old wounds are opened on top of newer wounds I cannot heal either.

I have been in agonizing pain for about 8-9 years crying and being tormented almost every day.

[HazelGirl]

See a therapist. They can help you with the torment and pain. Yes, it will mean opening up to someone and trusting them, but it is so important that you get help. What happened to you was terrifying and horrible, and you have every right to feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and all the other emotions you must be feeling. It's time to get help from someone who knows how to handle trauma and can guide through to real and lasting healing.

[ResaLock]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

See a therapist. They can help you with the torment and pain. Yes, it will mean opening up to someone and trusting them, but it is so important that you get help. What happened to you was terrifying and horrible, and you have every right to feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and all the other emotions you must be feeling. It's time to get help from someone who knows how to handle trauma and can guide through to real and lasting healing.

Been through several. Sought out a PTSD specialist. Been seeing him for over a year. Hes been very damaging. So I sought out another... they claim to be friends and rejected me when I complained about this damage of this so called therapist which doesn't have a clue about PTSD...the other one I ought out sent me into a trigger and panic attack. I even went to the police about what occurred there.

On top of that the whole therapy thing is a major problem. Since it was used against me by abusers telling me I need help after abusing me. Which was used against me. When I was in court with these abusers...
Which only caused more trauma. As I was abused by it for going to counsel.

I know you're just trying to help. ...and I thank you. I really do.

...but that is what I am going through...and it seems like a never ending nightmare circle.

I found this sight as I was looking up for answers because my therapist is damaging. I have posted about it on other threads.

[ResaLock]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

See a therapist. They can help you with the torment and pain. Yes, it will mean opening up to someone and trusting them, but it is so important that you get help. What happened to you was terrifying and horrible, and you have every right to feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and all the other emotions you must be feeling. It's time to get help from someone who knows how to handle trauma and can guide through to real and lasting healing.

I have not told my present therapist about this. I tried to go see a woman...and it did not happen. I tried to seek out other women around and called them many times and I never got an answer back.

[Open Eyes]

(((ResaLock))),

You have been badly abused, abandoned and misunderstood, I am very sorry you have been through so much, reaching out for help and didn't get what you needed has only made it worse.

I am glad to see you are telling your story and still looking for help and the right therapist. You need to seek out a therapist that has experience in dealing with the kind of trauma that you are describing. A therapist that specializes in that area will be able to see your emotional and physical symptoms as that of a "victim of abuse" instead of a therapist who lacks experience with that and fails to actually validate and help you.

It sounds like your current therapist is a man? If you feel "uncomfortable" with him you can ask him if he can refer you to a woman therapist that specializes in "victims of abuse". Therapists tend to know about other therapists and this therapist you have now may be able to get you in to see a therapist rather then your not getting call backs when you try yourself.

You don't have to get specific with this T either, you can just say that you would rather not go into depth as you don't feel comfortable doing that with a man. A good therapist "will" understand and respect that and "help" you find a T that can fit you better.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE