[Beatzen]

Wanting to text. Came here instead. I feel scared. Sobbing head bent in the shower, half sick and crazy. Kept telling myself I was safe then saying, "why can't I remember?" Just know it was dark. It was bad. Naked and I cannot get clean. There is not enough soap. FB or blurred memories unsure of what is real or not. Mark and the 80 yr old pedophile. Want to share. To connect when I'm feeling so disconnected. Not sure where the safe outlet is. Too much to risk? Live or die.

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[seesaw]

Deep breaths. You are not there. It's in the past. The thing you are afraid of is not happening to you right now.

There is risk in allowing yourself to share and heal, but the alternative is much worse. If you really need to just get it out, send me a personal message and tell me the whole story. I don't know you. I won't tell anyone. Maybe letting it out anonymously will help. Keeping it all a secret and inside will just rip you apart.

Breathe. We are here for you.

Seesaw.

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[seesaw]

And yes. I do relate to the trigger response.

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[Beatzen]

Originally Posted by seesaw

And yes. I do relate to the trigger response.

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Thank u so much, seesaw. Love and peace. I'm too tired now to find the right words to share with you. Plus I would never want to be too much. I am getting a lot of those "it's too much for me right now" feelings from close friends and t. People backing away.

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[WePow]

It is ok to allow yourself to process through the trauma. Keep staying grounded and share what you are going through. Safe hugs!

[seesaw]

If your T told you it's too much then I think you should maybe try some different therapists.

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[seesaw]

And we understand because we are going through painful stuff too. You can share here and people aren't going to run away from you. We can't fix you, but we can empathize.

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Totally relate.
First trigger-adored father dies when I am ten.
Second trigger-I am abused in every way for the next eight years by my sociopathic grandmother.
Third trigger-beig raped by two soldiers whe I am in the army.
(People ask me if I saw combat. I say yes-with two drunke soldiers behind the barracks one night. I lost.)
So BP pops it's jolly head up and says I'm here!!!

I can't tell you not to be afraid. All I can tell you is that it doesn't last forever.

[Open Eyes]

(((Beatzen))),

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, you have come to a good place here, as you can see others can relate. While our personal stories may be a little different, the end result is that someone took advantage when we were not in a position to understand it, see it coming, defend ourselves, or avoid whatever happened from taking place.

When someone develops PTSD they become very "sensitive" and all the normal emotions and fears and things that the average person experiences but has the ability to control their reactions, is something someone with PTSD really struggles with. The problem with PTSD is that our responses are "magnified" and because of that most people who struggle tend to feel everything so much that it actually can become painful and exhausting to them, both mentally and physically. This is the main reason why people who suffer begin to isolate, avoid and disassociate.

When someone struggles with PTSD they feel very vulnerable and alone and they do tend to self blame because they struggle to control. No matter how much they try to explain how much they struggle, it seems that no words can accurately describe it in a way where the average person who is not challenged with it can really understand and become more supportive the way the sufferer needs them to be.

The truth is, you are not alone, there actually "are" others who can relate, who have been slowly working through it, have slowly been learning how to understand it better as well as develop ways that help them control it better too.

What you are describing in your post here? I believe you, I also believe how you are struggling and how you feel tired and overwhelmed too. I believe that someone hurt you and that you have flashbacks that only show you parts of it, that it is confusing you and that your conscious mind is trying to figure out what happened so you can figure out how to process it all and move on. However, when we experience a trauma, we tend to store parts of the trauma in areas of our brain that doesn't have "language" and it is also not unusual for the brain to defend itself by disassociating when a person is involved in a trauma. However, at the same time, when something threatens us, we are designed to
remember it, and think about all the things that were signals that something dangerous was going to happen. The reason we are designed that way is to learn about what things in our environment can be a danger so we can learn to "prevent" ourselves from that danger in the future. It is really how we are designed to survive and thrive, and we are not alone with this, most, if not all mammals are designed this way. However, with human beings, we are much more complex, so we tend to "ruminate" much more than other mammals.

When you have these episodes, you need to understand that even though things come forward and you feel that these memories are happening "now", they are not, and you need to learn how to find ways to keep you in the now where you are not in danger and that these episodes are not happening in the "now". You also need to learn that when
these episodes take place, they do not last. A way to look at it is to think of a wave, it comes in and can be strong, it crests, hits the shore, and then recedes, that is what takes place and after that takes place you can be in the present and realize you have another part of the story of what took place and it gives you a chance to finally talk about it and
process it. As you do this, these waves get weaker and weaker and eventually these flashbacks will become more of a memory with a much smaller impact.

You are not alone, there are many people who are challenged this way and have been slowly learning how to find their way past these episodes and slowly gain more control over themselves and can slowly function much better. This process does take time and lots of patience and self care as well as learning how not to feed into whatever challenging emotions and questionable thoughts come forward, and more significantly, learning to stop "self blaming" when you experience these episodes or triggers where you can react and lose control sometimes. You will slowly realize that when this happens you can gain relief by talking about it, getting validated and finally grieving whatever has taken place so you can finally "heal" and move forward in your life. Each person is different depending on the trauma or different traumas, but "healing" can take place. The key to gaining is allowing yourself to develop a support system, via a therapist as well as being around others who "do" understand the challenge and can be validating the way you need it, and sympathetic, caring and supportive to you. It "is" important that you take steps to get help and support, and the fact that you have come here is a good step, but you also need to find a qualified therapist that you can build trust with
so you can feel safe to talk through whatever you need to talk through so you can heal.

As you can see, there are other members here that understand, and they also understand when you are grateful, but just too tired to find the words to express how grateful, that's ok. Finding the words that can express how you are challenged is not always easy, everyone who struggles can totally relate to that. It's ok, if you have a trigger, need to vent or talk and then rest because of how exhausting it is, we can all relate. The important message is "be patient, practice lots of self care, and do not self blame, but instead do lots of self care".

((((Hugs)))))
OE

[Beatzen]

Ty all so much...

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Thank you Pegasus. That was sensitive and profound and your analogy about the waves was wonderful. Is it okay if I make a copy of your reply? I would like to keep it near so that I can reread it frequently.

[Open Eyes]

Tea&Sympathy,

I am not Pegasus, but you are welcome to save anything I write that you find helpful.
What I said about the waves is what my therapist told me and he is right, he told me
that to remember they only last a certain amount of time, we cannot stop them, but
need to learn they come forward with whatever is there and they always recede. The more we acknowledge them with yes that did happen, but it is not happening now, the weaker they get.

((Hugs))
Open Eyes