Joking aside, I actually did do something that I'm not sure how concerned I should be about.

The past few months have been pretty rough going, but the past 2-3 days in particular I had been really struggling. When I woke up this morning, as soon as I opened my eyes it began again. Crushing despair, the feeling like it can never get any better, and thoughts dipping into a darker place. I remembered an interview I had seen a couple days ago where an actress explained how she has fears and anxieties that go away once she's on stage, because she stops being herself. She becomes that role, and that person she's playing doesn't have those fears and anxieties. I thought "I wish I could be someone else", and I truly meant it with all my very being.

Immediately after having that thought it felt as though my mind experienced a hiccup. As in a literal physical shift. It was like my brain was dropped, then caught a second later.

Right away those thoughts I had been having vanished. The despair vanished. Feelings of being stuck vanished. I had suddenly developed a new identity with a new name (I'll call it Pete here, though that's not the name). My mood became elevated as though I didn't have any problems in the world. After all, I don't. If I'm Pete, than all those memories of all those bad things belong to Trebyn (obviously Trebyn isn't my real name, but I had had that thought about my real one).

Thoughts about my life became "his" life. "His" meaning Trebyn. Like when I thought of my parents, I thought of them as "his parents". Memories became "events that happened to him". Deep down I knew that was me, but it was as though I had completely disassociated from the past 31 years, and it no longer mattered. As Pete those things weren't relevant.

Everything became new again, untainted by the experiences of the past. Walking into the kitchen and seeing the sunrise pouring in hit me differently. I saw that a sweater someone had left here had something on it so I brushed it off for them... previously I would have just left it because it was their problem, not mine. When I sat down at the PC I was amazed at how long the keyboard was.

Even as I'm typing this, I keep wanting to write "his" or "Trebyn's" in place of "I". The thing is, I feel really good, but I'm not crazy enough to think this is normal, or that it will last. I know what happened this morning was unusual, but I don't really know what happened exactly. Is it a psychotic break? A dissociative break? Or did I just succeed at what the actress was talking about in her interview and I've jumped into a role of my own creation?

[Nightside of Eden]

I don't think you're having a psychotic break. You probably have dissociated from the pain for the time being, your mind protecting itself and trying to give you a break from pain which was getting to be too much. You seem to be aware that your brain is doing this to protect itself and of who you really are, just divorced for now from feeling like yourself. I think this is a necessary and not particularly unhealthy way to manage your overwhelming feelings in the moment. You'll feel like yourself eventually, when you can handle it.

If you're not in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist, I hope you'll consider doing these things. They might offer you some longer-term solutions.

Unfortunately I'm still waiting to get in to a psychiatrist. I've had a referral and been on a waiting list for over a year now, any my GP doesn't know how much longer it will take.

In the past I had a lot of negative experiences with therapy, including one that cost me a scholarship and career path. Even if I found a good therapist though, I don't have the income to afford seeing them with any frequency. I'm kind of stuck on my own until that referral comes in.

It's over now, but looking around for something similar I think what I may have experienced is a "Dissociative Fugue".

When it first happened and I was thinking about me as "him", "his memories", it took me a few seconds to remember my actual name. When I was thinking about myself (as in the real me, not that 'Pete' identity) I called myself by the wrong name at first - an alias I used to use. I realized that was wrong and had to think about what the right name was.

I had also been thinking about going out to a park, trail, or river. Somewhere to get out and walk around. The only reason I didn't was because I knew what I was feeling wasn't quite normal, and that it wouldn't last, but I haven't been out like that for a long time. I'm glad now that I didn't do it.

[Teacake]

All the worlds a stage and we are merely players.

[doglover1979]

As long as you can keep yourself out of trouble, getting outside is one of the best ways to ground yourself from dissociation. Learning to be mindful of my surroundings and whatever physical sensations I'm having has all but eliminated dissociation for me. It still happens, but now I can bring myself out of it easily most of the time.