I was diagnosed with PTSD in November, 2013. I finally found a good therapist with whom I started working one month ago. Despite their good intentions, my family triggers me. I literally flee when I see or talk to them. I know a bear isn't chasing me. The last time I saw my mom at my son's baseball game I ran to our car and had my husband drive me home and I hid in my room. My family doesn't "get" it and they just try to cheer me up. They are actually in denial about the whole thing because it is too painful for them to try and be with me in my pain and depression.

My sister called today (she lives near SF) and announced that she, her husband and my parents were planning a long visit with me and my family this summer. I can't be with my mom longer than 20 minutes without wanting to hide. How can I possibly cope with all my family? Spend the whole visit hiding in my room with my heart pounding. My kid's have seen me suffer enough. I'm angry that my sister didn't ask me if a visit was in order. They know how much pain I'm in.

I'm in unbearable pain about this. Has anyone had something like this happen? I sent my sister an email and asked her if she could arrange with my parent's a time to meet my husband and kid's in some other town. I told her it was too painful to see her and the gang would trigger me. Was this too impulsive? They don't sooth me. I hate seeing my kid's go away without me, but my mental health is so frail now I'm afraid a visit would add even more catastrophic stress.:

[ChipperMonkey]

Well it was rude of your family to just announce a visit. Please find the courage to stand up to them and say "No, this summer is just not a good time to visit" and be firm about it. If you don't stand up for your boundaries, your family will continue to walk all over you regardless of your wishes. Standing up for your own needs is NEVER impulsive. I'm proud of you for sending that email.

[Parley]

You have to take care of yourself and sometimes that means setting stronger boundaries. It is rude of your sister to plan your summer visits.
You extended a great deal of courtesy letting her know your husband would meet them. Good for you in standing up for yourself. It will get easier.

Edited to say~ yes, I have dealt with this many years ago but I didn't waste my time with guilt. I didn't have the energy and it sounds like you have a limited supply as well.

[Open Eyes]

(((sunnyfan))),

Ok, slow down with this, you are in charge of "your home and your life and the right to make decisions". Take some calm deep breaths, slowly in hold, slowly out. It is perfectly fine that you need "your space" right now and your family is going to have to respect that from now on, so you have be firm with your sister and tell her that you appreciate they are thinking of you, however, you are not going to have visitors this summer and be honest, you can even tell her that your therapist has decided that is not a good idea for you right now. Honestly, I would be frank with your family and tell them you have PTSD, don't worry about them, tell them to go and read about it too, you need space right now.

What I find also helps is when I brought my husband into see my therapist and my therapist spoke to him and explained it to him and that he needs to allow me space while I work on it in therapy for a while.

It is important that "you" feel safe and can take your time and work through this with your therapist. You were just diagnosed this past December, you really have not have very much time in therapy with this, it definitely takes time to work through and you need space and low stress and your family is just going to have to learn to understand this. Hey, they can research it online and read about how they can best support you.

(((Calming Hugs)))
OE

[Bolivar83]

So sorry you are going through this! I give you major points for setting a boundary with your family (arrange to meet in another town) - that's hard to do.

PTSD is no joke - you know your limits right now, and your triggers, and are strong to stay firm on this. You are very caring of your extended family, and cautious of their feelings, but your health and functioning are also a priority for you, your husband and son. I see you love your sister, but an not sure it is fair to announce an intention to visit without asking the host's approval, first. You don't sound impulsive, and were kinder and more measured in your response than I might be.

One month of work, even with a great therapist, probably won't provide much of a buffer against the family dynamic, in close quarters, for an extended visit. Pardon for asking, but will your husband back up your wishes on alternate arrangements?

Stand firm; you would not be hurting them by taking time to get healthy/feel more mentally secure, and what benefit for your son to see his mother continuing to protect her health.

Take care! - Bolivar

Hi Bolivar,

My husband will stand firm..yet doesn't quite understand why I can't be around loved ones, despite him seeing me flee from my mom twice and hide in my room and cry for several days while she here in February to "help." This is so very hard on my relationships. I hope it get's better. The depression is severe, yet being treated. The avoidance behaviors are crippling me right now. Thank you for your support Bolivar.

[Parley]

well I think I had the advantage in my situation. My husband doesn't like my family any more than I do.

Ask your family for time. Once you set boundaries, you don't have the avoidance issue but you might be accused of it. Your therapist can probably help you figure it out before it becomes destructive behavior.

"to help where help is not needed will corrupt..." I don't know if that came to mind because of this situation and your mother or because I've been a bit opinionated.

Best of luck to ya.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by sunnyfan

Hi Bolivar,

My husband will stand firm..yet doesn't quite understand why I can't be around loved ones, despite him seeing me flee from my mom twice and hide in my room and cry for several days while she here in February to "help." This is so very hard on my relationships. I hope it get's better. The depression is severe, yet being treated. The avoidance behaviors are crippling me right now. Thank you for your support Bolivar.

I went through this myself and even "I" didn't understand it. You are just very "sensitive" right now and you need to have "space and quiet" while you and your therapist work on it. You will eventually get to a point where you can do a little exposure at a time, but for right now you need "space and calm". It is normal for family members to be confused about your need for this right now, they will just have to understand, and they will get so they
give you more space.

Right now you just need to feel safe, down the road as you get past this part,
you will understand it better and you "will" get past this, so just be patient.


OE

[Werewoman]

First and foremost, you cannot take care of your kids and your husband if you do not take care of yourself.

Your sister is completely out of line by 'inviting' herself and your mother to spend the summer with you. I can see why you are triggered by your family's dynamics. I'm betting this is only the tip of the iceberg.....

You may never get to the point where you can be around them period. I walked away from my mother and others. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but for the safety and happiness of myself and my family, it was my only choice. I don't feel the least bit guilty about it, either, because THEY were the ones who put me in this position by refusing to respect my boundaries and inability to treat me with respect, period.

It sounds like your sister/family are used to being able to tell you what to do when they want you to do it. I used to be that way. All mom had to do was say - insert order/wish/manipulation here - and I was off to the races, ready to please, so that hopefully, she wouldn't kill me. Everything I did at one time was out of pure terror.

Your husband hopefully will come to understand why you feel the way you do, but for now, he just needs to protect you until you've had some time to deal with this.

I know where you're at right now, and I know what I'm saying is probably scaring the hell out of you, and I truly hope the outcome of your situation will be better than mine in that you can eventually have a healthy relationship with everyone in your family. That didn't happen for me, but for what it's worth, I am a lot happier without them.

Good Luck