Can't live without my PTSD triggers..?

Hi, so I just joined and not really sure how this works so, be kind! Um, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD last year and I have been on a waiting list to see a psychologist for like 7 months now.
I used a be an aid worker and lived/worked in refugee camps in Sudan, Afghanistan, Iran/Iraq, Eritrea etc. I witnessed and suffered pretty horrific things over the 5 years that I did this.

My question is that now I am back in the UK, trying to live normally and be "normal" again it is very difficult. I found that covering my student room in pictures, maps and photos of my work made me feel better and reminded me of all the good things but I find that I can't move on and I can't leave all the bad bits behind me.
I have this odd relationship now with all my stuff. If I have my pictures and drawings etc on the walls and while they are up I don't look at them properly - it's like my eyes scan over them - and I just carry on with this ptsd weight that is with me when my eye catches something on the wall.. So, I tried taking them down. I took down all the pictures and gifts and stuff and my room just had my ordinary painted walls and a few posters and I couldn't be in the room. I was just thinking all the time about my work and my triggers and everything. I just couldn't do it, it was like I was forgetting a part of myself. Like I was packing away a bit of my own heart..

So anyway, I was wondering if anyone had some insight into why I can't be without all the things that make me feel so bad? Have I defined myself by my experiences? I'm stuck and confused and feel that while I live in this past world I will never move forward, but by moving on I am breaking myself in two..

hi
why don't you try making some collages of what you want for your future to decorate your walls. put up life affirming quotes and things that could bring you joy and happiness. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Traumaprevention.com. buy david bercelis book and do the exercises. Its a quarter hour of standing let work and a quarter hour máx of shivering on the floor. You will be astonished what that can do.

Also look up Mikal Vega Vital Warrior.

I think you have to make a transition from one life to the next. It is disorienting to pop out of one life into the next. We dont actually leave the bad bits behind us. We digest them. We then them into something good.

Try this meditation. Breathe in, and let your breathe strike the diamond of your heart and transform to peace, jou, love, bliss.

When you are dogged by a memory, breathe it in, let it strike the diamond of your heart and transform, breathe out peace, love, joy, bliss.

Any memory, you recall an angry face, breathe in the angry face, let it strike the diamond of your heart and change, breathe out the face showing peace and love and bliss and joy.

It works.

You are accepting what is and was, but also wishing for a good outcome.

Unpack your heart and put it on the wall. Its not wrong to remember every day. In time.new pictures And things will go up. Your old and current life will integrate.

Maybe you need the pictures and mementos to remind you that you have a purpose. Being a student can seek aimless and childish, and maybe you will hear sheltered children say foolish things about people and places you know. You could feel a little alienated. Its probably good to be reminded of your old life if it meros you grounded in your deeper values.

I dug out a photo of an old boyfriend. I have a son the age this boyfriend was when I knew him. Maybe thats why. The past is never left behind. I realised I could treat chronic ptsd at fifty and suddenly my Long ago friend is in my thoughts every day, and
Ive felt healing myself is healing him. I dont know why. Insanity or dementia perhaps. Its as real to me as reality.

I hope this doesn't come out wrong. I understand wanting to display a couple gifts that you have received, a small picture, but you need to put the rest away. Neatly. Packaged with respect. Fill your student room with the life your living today.

I'm not saying forget~ i'm just saying to continue your journey while fighting for some assistance.