Uncertain

Hello. Just earlier today I found a link talking about PTSD, and it made me think about it for the first time. I am not in therapy and I take everything I consider about myself with a grain of salt, since I'm not a professional.

I kind of feel silly thinking about PTSD since I have never even considered it before, but it made me remember the fact that I have some memory blanks. Three of my grandparents all died slow deaths of various diseases around when I was 15 years old, which was followed by my dad having cancer and my parents getting divorced. I don't remember what they died from and I don't remember more than a very vague flash of a memory from that time period. If I remember some of the good memories from them I end up bawling until I can manage to stop thinking about it (and even those memories are vague and I don't know how much is a memory and how much is a memory of a story my parents told me).

It's been somewhere around 8 years since then. I feel like I've always had a bad memory, and I don't normally have a reason to try and remember the bits that I can't remember. Also, I'm not sure how good of memory people are supposed to have of when they were 15. Then I remember having a good memory when I was younger (I memorized all of the original Pokemon and I could remember a set of initials mentioned once in the middle of a 600-page book). So, maybe that changed.

I also have an intense fear of hospitals and doctors. I occasionally dissociate, feeling like the world is not quite real or too real. I have intense anxiety that seems to focus around affection, such as a fear of kisses. I have trouble socializing if I don't have a script to follow.

So, does this sound anything like PTSD or did I jump to conclusions? I know that I'd need to see a doctor for an official diagnosis, but thanks for listening!

It doesn't sound like PTSD to me, but it's definitely something. Maybe see a professional?

Thanks for the input on that! I might try seeing a professional someday, but I had a less than good experience with my university therapist. It was free and easily available, so I thought it was worth trying. It was nothing horrible, but I don't feel like it was really helpful...

It sounds like you had some challenging experiences that frightened you. None of us here can diagnose you for sure. You could have some "anxieties" about certain things and may also have some social anxiety, but these are things you can "improve" on. A lot of people have anxiety in social situations so that is nothing "abnormal" really. So are you in your early twenties? Are you still going to the university?

Yes, I'm in my early twenties, and I have one or two more semesters at school. It feels like it's taken so long for me to accept that I might have anxiety issues, and luckily my social problems have smoothed out. I feel more confident in what I can handle and what I might not enjoy.