[Rio_]

That's what my therapist told me yesterday, but I don't know if I can. I'm scared to trust people at school in case I get let down again.

In S2 (four years ago; I was 13), I went around with a group of people who were perfectly friendly towards me...when it suited them. The rest of the time, I was left out - left to go back from the shops by myself at lunch, left to eat alone, left to find other people to share a room with when we went on a school trip...I saw them literally running away from me at one point. And if I asked them why, they'd make up excuses - one I can remember is "we thought you were with us"...how hard is it to count to seven? Anyway, that doesn't really sound like much written down, I know, but I let this go on for an entire year, and I have no idea why. I guess the fact that they were sometimes friendly confused me, or else I thought that they were still better than having no friends at all.

Well, I have no friends at all now at school. Sure, there are people I'll talk to, but I spend break and lunch by myself, and it's possible for me to go hours without speaking to anyone. Sometime after S2 I managed to get it into my head that nobody at school really liked me, and although I don't have evidence for that I still find myself avoiding people there. I'm sure my experience in S2 has a lot to do with that (although I was shy and had low self-esteem beforehand).

So, I can see why my therapist wants me to forget my time in S2, but I can't forgive them. After all, what's to stop them doing exactly the same thing again? And I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing people a favour by keeping out of their way. Plus, like I said I don't trust anyone there any more. As far as I know, I didn't give the people in S2 any reason to dislike me - so it was either something I did that I didn't realise, or people don't actually need a reason to dislike you.

I guess the point of this post is - is there any way I can trust people at school again, and be sure I won't get let down? And if there isn't a way, how can I cope with that risk? I don't think avoiding people is the best strategy.

(Wasn't sure if this should go in PTSD or anxiety, so feel free to move it.)

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))))))

Hi Rio,

I’m afraid there’s never any guarantee that people/one’s ’friends’ won’t let us down…

Sorry if it’s a stupid question: but is it the same bunch of people with you now? Aren’t there any new faces (people who transferred from other schools) etc.? Are any of them (from the S2 bunch) friendly with you now?

It’s okay to be on your guard to avoid being hurt again but as you rightly point out, not to shut people out altogether. In that sense, do try to give *some* people (by choosing those who seem reliable/with whom you ‘click’ etc) a chance…

On the other hand, if people show that they are fair-weather friends or if they ‘abuse’ your trust, then they are not ‘real’ friends…. Friendship is, or ought to be, about give and take. If some people ‘abuse’ your trust (like what happened in S2), then you are definitely better off without such people in your life…

It’s not easy… and it takes time to rebuild trust.

Do take care, Rio.

[Rio_]

((((((Fuzzybear)))))) Thanks.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Always. That's not a stupid question - no, I'm not with the same people any more. I'm not friends with anyone at school any more, really. I did have a friend, but she left to go to college last year. So now I'm by myself most of the time, although there are people who are willing to talk to me in class sometimes. I'm in my final year at school, so there aren't any new faces - people are leaving instead of joining. (I did try making friends with a couple of new girls in S3, but that lasted about two weeks.) One of the S2 bunch is occasionally friendly to me (we're in one of the same classes), one has only spoken to me a couple of times in the past four years, one completely ignores me and the rest have left school.

Thanks. I do try, but I can't let them get too close because otherwise it'll hurt too much if I get let down again. This way is lonely, but it feels safe. I know I need to change, though, especially as I'll be off to uni soon and meeting quite a few new people.

That's very true...and outside of school, I do have friends like that, both online and in real life. Yet, if something happens like they have to cancel an evening out or they don't reply to an email for a few days, I still worry that I've done something to make them dislike me. Stupid brain...

Thanks again.

[(JD)]

I don't think even a 17 yr old can fully fathom the idea of forgiveness, and certainly not with a history like yours. I do wish for you to be able to move on. I wouldn't urge you to forget, but to file this away and allow it to flag your mind if you come upon them in the future...just in case?

The forgetting aspect is good if it's meant to not carry this with you and judge all future ppl or relationships by this experience.

Disappointment is a tough cookie, imo. Try to give some leeway, and when you have contact with them, don't give them all the power. Make your own decisions, and also make a Plan B, so to speak, of what else you can do if they don't follow through.

TC

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I do try, but I can't let them get too close because otherwise it'll hurt too much if I get let down again. This way is lonely, but it feels safe.

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Oh, I can so relate to that…. It feels scary to put oneself on the line and feel vulnerable. And if that ‘effort’ is rejected (or perceived as such), then tend to think there is something ‘wrong’ with us / or we did something… But that is where we need to ‘reprogram’ our brains (granted, it's easier said than done *sigh* ). There is nothing wrong with you. You are a worthy person. Dunno, I feel people at school tend to be more fickle...

I’m really sorry about your experience in S2. But University is generally different. As in, less cliquey and what with the mix of students, one tends to feel less left out (or feeling like the odd-one-out). Don’t forget what happened, but try to see Uni like a new chapter, a blank page…

All the best.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Sky. That's true...no matter how much I might think I know, I still have a lot to learn! And thanks, I hope I can. I probably will come across them again in the future, unfortunately - I'm pretty sure one of them will be going to the same university as me, at least.

Good point...it'd be nice to make friends and not to assume they're going to let me down eventually.

Thanks again.

[Rio_]

It sure does, Always! Thanks, I hope you're right. And that's true, I've seen people get teased for something as small as the colour of their hair...

Thanks. I have heard that - it's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to it! (Although I'm also worried about it at the same time...but then, it is a pretty big change. ) I'll try.

Thanks again!