Just over it

That kind of sums up how I feel about now.

The 'anger' has finally subsided to be left with........... exhaustion and BLAH!

How will I face my T on Friday.......I still can't face replying to his last email after I blasted him for not answering my questions directly. Sigh.

I am a dreadful person.

I know that my anger was partially surfacing because of naming the trauma, and feeling vulnerable because of this.....and fear over T rejecting/abandoning me because of it. And now I also realise that there is anger because of all that has happened to me.

I just feel worn down, because I know I need to face all of that, speak about it, name it out loud.......and try not to lose myself into a pit of despair at the same time as getting on with my life as a mother, student, employee, friend...............

How? How will I ever do that? Alone apart from my T? It just feels so overwhelmingly impossible. And yet I so desperately want to find freedom from all of this pain and dysfunction that weighs me down.

Well, the progression of feelings is very "normal" - it's kind of like the stages of grief.

NO, you are not a dreadful person. NO, NO, NO.

I reserve that title for myself. I'm the worst man in the world. I make Hitler look like Mother Teresa.

See what I did there, see how that works -- we all "think" we are terrible. But when someone else says to us how terrible they are, we know immediately it's BS, it is NOT true.

(((Jane)))),

It is "ok" that you experienced a "hot spot" that you reacted to. Yes, when that takes place it is "inconvenient" and tiring too. However, it was a necessary evil that you need to finally work through and as you do that you will "gain".

Actually, sometimes it is best if the reaction takes place and a person has a chance to work through it and get to a point where they can verbalize it better with the T. Think about it this way Jane, you have a "hurt/injury" and something brushed up against it and as with any hurt, a person will react, even before they can think "to" react. After the reaction of pain takes place, the person will be able to talk about what got hurt and realize that they are injured and need to pay attention to that injury and be careful until it heals.

The main thing you need to use your "wise mind" for is to learn how to stand back when this happens and allow yourself to identify the injury so you can see what it means and work on helping yourself "heal" from whatever the injury is.

What did come of you talking about it here is that others understood what that injury "could mean" and validate that for you. It doesn't matter what a word means to your T or someone else, what matters is what it means "to you".

Your wise mind did understand that the word could be nonthreatening. However, you have a "hot spot" in your brain where that word connects to an "injury". It is important to understand that we use words to discribe an injury and others use words to injure "us" with too. I can relate to how that word could have been used to hurt you, I have had the word used to "invalidate" me when I really did have something threatening and painful taking place.

The word "helplessness" is something that I have heard used by others whenever I was challenged and needed some kind of help. That really does go back all the way back for me. I can remember "don't be a baby", stop acting so "helpless" that was condesending and actually "mean" at the time as I really was struggling somehow.

So, using the "wise mind" means recognizing that you reacted and even experienced a cycle that happens with PTSD, and that all you can do is wait it through so you can slowly see what that means to you and how you were injured and why.

You are saying "I am a dreadful person", that is not true, you have been "hurt" and you need to have the help and time to understand it better and get the comfort and safety you need to "understand it better". Your "wise mind" has to be developed more and more so you can slowly "allow yourself" to heal instead of "self blaming" and feeding into the "negative messages" that "hurt" you through no fault of your own.

We all are lead to believe that we are supposed to "just ignore" bad experiences or how other people are "disrespectful and invade our boundaries". Well, the truth is we are not really designed to be that way, instead we are designed to "learn how defend" and "understand" better.

You "can" slowly learn how to work through these "hot spots" "after" they take place and you actually have done that as you did vent here right? Good, you used that as a tool to help you so that when you do sit and talk with your T, you can do so with more "language" that you have put together so you can "verbalize" what that "hot spot" means to "you" and whatever way you were hurt.

Jane, we store our life experiences in different areas of our brain, not all these areas have language. So, when we have a trauma take place it really does take time for all the things attached to that trauma to surface so we can slowly find a way to "verbalize" it all. As we use our "wise mind" to help us with this, we can finally connect everything attached to that "trauma" and verbalize it and learn more about it and get to a point where our brain can actually "process" whatever is there with more resolve. This is how human beings are designed so that we can "thrive", it never means "I am a dreadful person".

(((Supportive Hugs)))
OE

True victimization has an interesting psychology. Victims blame themselves. And they feel guilty, often, if it's the kind of situation where some "make it out alive" and others don't, whether literally or not.

Victims can identify at times with their tormentor. That adds to the complexity of the mix - and makes them take on the role of "bad" more, too.

I had an interesting reaction at a critical point in the relationship, if I can even call it that, with my father. When he was dying. It happened quickly, a matter of weeks. He had advanced lung cancer, but no one knew it until it became so advanced that it was a question of weeks. In his last years, after I forced his hand to get some psychiatric help, he was better to deal with. Not perfect, but better. Still jealous, still irritable, but he reined it in a little because he knew he had no choice. It was kind of like a thaw in relations between countries long feuding, say like the US and Iran.

When he got sick suddenly, I knew he was not going to last long - the lung cancer statistics say that, and his doctors said "get your affairs in order, quickly". His mother was still alive then, too, and as far as I am concerned, she was every bit as disturbed and horrible as he was. In fact, I am pretty convinced, despite having no evidence other than circumstantial, that she was responsible for his crossdressing, ect., by abusing him, possibly sexually.

So, I decided to be "the bigger man". On top of everything, it was December, Christmas time. I was honestly kind of shocked by the swiftness of change in the scene. He suddenly was weak, subservient, and in need, because he went downhill physically fast. And, he became ... scared, very scared. And, kind of like the Grinch, my heart thawed then a bit. I was really nice to him, and even to his mother, and I made sure she had several visits with him, including on Christmas day for most of the day. Which took a lot for me to do, since I had to pick her up and then take her home, and frankly she made my skin crawl. I felt bad for him, to be terminally sick, scared, runinng out of time rapidly. I would feel bad for anyone in that situation.

But, my emotional reaction was surprising. I didn't fall apart functionally, I got done all I needed to do, when he was still alive, arranging medical care, etc., than when he died arranging the funeral and burial. It was a rough period, I recall that. I cried all of the time, and at the funeral I was sobbing, none of my siblings did at all.

I felt a loss for a man I despised, who was horrible to me, and who I desperately wanted to love me but never could. He was a Navy veteran, I made sure he had that respect, too, with the VFW doing the flag thing at the funeral and firing ceremonial shots at the burial.

I had therapy today and talked about this with my T, I talked about how that word could be a trigger, even how it was used towards me in situations that it should have never been used.

My therapist said that with a trauma patient, therapists don't use that word, instead they use "survivor", they know not to use that word because when a trauma takes place the person does feel helpless at the time. So, that word could really be triggering to any of us here, or struggles with PTSD from a trauma/traumas.

OE

I am just so exhausted. I got to class today and not one, but 5 classmates came to me to ask for me to go over their understanding of an essay due, then the lecturer wanted me to do something for the entire class, and on top of the lecture itself....which was 2 whole classes together...the noise and 'demands' of everyone coming at me........was too much! I barely made it to class today and that was too much for me today. So at lunchtime I took myself off to a private quiet space and next minute I had silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

I feel so hurt, and just cant take a lot right now, and that makes me feel worse because I don't know how to fix this, how to get past it.

My T would say "yet Jane".

OE I wonder if your T was talking about the difference between victim and survivor? My T didn't call me helpless. He told me he thought I was experiencing the feeling of helplessness.

I will be seeing him on Friday, 2 days time, and even though I mostly do not want to see him or face this ........ I will keep going. I will harness the little courage that I feel I have left right now and turn up and hope to work through this too.

Johnny....I don't see myself as a victim. I feel like I was to blame or responsible for what happened to me. I worry when I can truly 'feel' that I was made a victim. Probably I'll go stark raging mad, for a while at least.

Going to lie down.....nap before my boy gets home and make dinner etc. I need a holiday.........

Oh, I see what you mean. You are looking back at whatever you experienced in a very "self critical" way. That does happen and you are not going to change that right away because you need to be able to see "why" and "how" you came to the way you handled whatever it was that challenged you. It is very important to remember that everything you are looking at, you are looking at it with an outcome, that was "not" what you had while you were challenged, "big difference". The other thing you have "now" that you did not have in your past was "more maturity and life experiences and life skills" too.

When you talked about class yesterday, you were not expecting all those demands on you. Other classmates were just confused about what was expected of them for the essay, they were asking each other "and" asking you. It was harmless really, but because it came unexpected and you have all you can do to just "get to class" and function, it stressed you out. It is hard to explain to others how hard it is to focus and function every day "and" be working through PTSD at the same time.

You had a challenging day, you are also at a very challenging time in therapy too. It is no wonder you are "tired and irritable", I have been challenged that way myself. You definitely deserve to rest, even if you don't really "sleep", just resting helps the brain realize "no need to build up cortisol for fight flight". Once you learn how to "stop" producing the "cortisol and adreneline", your brain will be able to "think and function" again. I find that if I lay down and relax for 1/2 hour to 45 minutes, I can get up and think and function again. That is all about freeing up the brain and body from the cortisol/adreneline building up, that is what makes it hard to concentrate the most.

As far as therapy is concerned, it really sounds to me like you are still looking at everything from a perspective of "it is my fault, I did everything wrong" mindset.
I have to admit, I have noticed that you have done that from time to time. That can be hard for the wise mind to break through, but just keep allowing yourself to lay things out and "have an open mind" about everything you discuss.

What the "wise mind" learns to do is to review a situation and think about how "if" someone else was in need with the same challenge "how would you help that person to not "self blame"? It is really learning how to be much more "objective" and developing a way to stand outside one's own experiences in a much more understanding and compassionate way. Self parenting at times, self nuturing, self caring and developing "self compassion" is an important part of "healing". Understanding that whatever you did in your past was all about "what you knew to do at the time", and keeping in mind "always" that you never had the advantage of knowing an outcome either.