[supernaught16]

so mentally, I got a lot of crazy stuff going on...

break down real quick:

dad left family right after i was born
2 brothers died shortly after
all my siblings ran from home because our step father beat the crap out of all of us, including my mothers stomach when she was pregnant with my other brother.
they got married, dropped me off in a parking lot and got me like the next night... yes, i was still waiting in the parking lot in the dark.
I had a gf who died from an illness
step dad and mom kicked me out when i was like 15 so they could start a new family
i became a full blown alcoholic around this time, by the time i turned 21 i was drinking for 8 years already (sober now for almost a year)
my sister got with a sugar daddy, shot me twice in the back with this 50,000 stun gun and beat the Hell out of me just out of nowhere.
I was kidnapped and molested and held for ransom for like 5 days after my step dad and mom kicked me out
dad came back in my life for a brief period just to tell me I am not worth anything and anything i do in life is basically worth just not existing at all, planted a acres of these evil seeds in my head then abandoned again...
got with this girl who cared about me and wanted to help me psychologically, after two years finding out she was a hooker on meth, cheating on me and everything she ever told me was a lie, it kinda screwed me in the head even more...
I went to rehab to get help. it ended up being tied to $cientology where three more of my good friends died and the Scientologist stuff was not good psychological practice at all.
now i am trying to recover from all of this, and I am alone.

It's hard.

My mom and my step dad are making an effort to get back in my life and make things right. I try to explain to them everything that happened and how it left me mentally but everytime I do it, I get triggered and I push them away.

This happened yesterday and I feel VERY bad about it because I would have rather just bit my lip, had it be water under the bridge unfortunatly, I was having a stress/ anxiety attack from this so bad my heart was jumping out of my t shirt and I blacked out and said some stuff that I wish I didn't, I dont even know what it was.

I need help with my family dynamic here.

I need to go to school and do stuff. I still have that drive to make my parents proud and I do want to mend things.

I feel like first thing is repairing last night, how do I do it?

In the long run, i need ot fix things to and I just dont know how to do it.

Ive been in survival mode. I just got a computer yesterday, a place two months ago. Before that I was homeless, couch surfing, moving in and out of places... Just..

Im rambling. Had to vent too... Thanks.

PS) I have posted things on here before and everybody was right, I just didnt listen.

I just don't know... I love my mom, and I went nuts last night. I texted her today saying sorry, absolutely no answer.

The things that happened to me in the past, I don't want to live with it. I don't want to be in the same boat ten years from now just because I feel like Im not worth anything

[geis]

Do you have a therapist? If you do, s/he may be able to help your family understand what you're going through and how to help you.

If not, can you try writing it down for them? What you said here was really clear and coherent, and I think it would make sense to them, too. It really comes across that you want to make things better and are doing your best, even though it doesn't always work perfectly.

Long term, it sounds like working on your triggers might help. Do you know what triggered you last night? Once you can identify the trigger and understand where it comes from, that often makes it a lot easier to slow down between when the trigger happens and when you react. It helps me to be able to say to myself, "Look, it's not as bad as I'm feeling. I'm reacting to this situation strongly because it reminds me of XYZ from my past, but that's not happening now. What's happening now is ABC, and I don't have to react to it the way I did in the past." It's not perfect, and I still sometimes react to a trigger before I can understand what's happening or stop it. But it does get easier the more you work on it.

[supernaught16]

Coherent, that's the other thing. I am not tooting my own horn or anything however, I am very, very intelligent. Writing and speaking articulately is my strong suit... To the point to where, I was feeling suicidal and wanted to kill myself about two months ago. I went to the ward and they wouldn't take me because I didn't fit the stereotype. I looked good, I spoke alright, but, me talking to someone saying I want help I feel like killing myself, coming from a person who read the dictionary three times and took notes in first grade, probably didn't seem like the rest of the people inside their who were coming off of crack and alcohol binges.

I don't have a therapist. Do they have programs or insurance for therapy? I am broke I have so many other things going on, I have $1.12. My bank accounts are over drafted... So... How do I get a therapist?

ps) The ward didn't take me. I blacked out I don't even know what happened actually.

Originally Posted by geis

Do you have a therapist? If you do, s/he may be able to help your family understand what you're going through and how to help you.

If not, can you try writing it down for them? What you said here was really clear and coherent, and I think it would make sense to them, too. It really comes across that you want to make things better and are doing your best, even though it doesn't always work perfectly.

Long term, it sounds like working on your triggers might help. Do you know what triggered you last night? Once you can identify the trigger and understand where it comes from, that often makes it a lot easier to slow down between when the trigger happens and when you react. It helps me to be able to say to myself, "Look, it's not as bad as I'm feeling. I'm reacting to this situation strongly because it reminds me of XYZ from my past, but that's not happening now. What's happening now is ABC, and I don't have to react to it the way I did in the past." It's not perfect, and I still sometimes react to a trigger before I can understand what's happening or stop it. But it does get easier the more you work on it.

[geis]

I don't know the programs in your area specifically, but I would suggest trying the Department of Mental Health. (In some states, it's part of the Department of Health or something similar--if you google "department of mental health in [your state]," you should be able to find it.) They offer treatment to people who can't otherwise afford it. You might also qualify for Medicaid if you're low-income, and that might give you a winder choice of therapists than DMH would.

It sucks that you were refused help when you needed it. That's not right. If you're ever in that situation again, you might try calling a suicide hotline and explaining the situation--they'd probably be able to help you in an emergency situation.

[doyoutrustme]

I think you took it out on the right people. I know what its like to have crappy family- you cannot depend on them if you want to get better. You need to get better and then when you are in a better, stronger state, then you can think about confronting them.

[Ocean5]

The things that happened to me in the past, I don't want to live with it. I don't want to be in the same boat ten years from now just because I feel like Im not worth anything

I'm in my 30s and trust me if you can deal with it now try... Reach out for help. I spent so many years forgetting, running, avoid by youth. You are correct - you don't deserve to live like this.