[Alishia88]

I haven´t been here very much the past month because actually I have been feeling a lot better and was more engaged with all kinds of things I want to do in my life.

I would like to share here, that I did an Online-therapy for PTSD that helped me very much, I feel.

I really think now that it is possible to feel totally "normal" again, I feel that I am sewing my life back together, that got a big rip in the middle with trauma.

I feel a lot more "normal" I feel more connected to my past, to the world, I feel more "natural" and less cut off, i feel that what happened to me was more "normal" and I think I understand it more now.

I still get anxiety though and I have been wondering if it has more to do with not having a father, than with the way he died now.

I have read that you can keep a connection with a loved one even after he died, on the inside, even when you have realized and accepted that he is gone on the outside.

I feel like I am more capable to do that now, because thinking about him, is not so confusing anymore. I understood what happened, I think.

I feel that keeping him "on the inside" could give me security and strength, as opposed to before where I was in denial that he ever existed.

I want to keep him close to me, on the inside, I want to remember that despite his death, I am still his daughter.

I want to be going from thinking "I don´t have a father"
to "I have a father, who died."

I am not quite sure how to go about it. Sometimes, when I go to special places, like his grave or the hospital he died in, it´s like I can still "feel" him, and I am very aware of his prior existence and death.
So I thought about going regularly. However, I am usually so wound up in whatever is going on in my life, that strangely I don´t feel the "wish" to go, so I don´t know if I still should...

I just want to integrate him more, I think.

I am sorry if it seems off topic here, I don´t know if anyone else has PTSD related to the death of a loved one and knows about this...

Also I wanted to share my positive experiences

I have been thinking about seeing a therapist who specializes on complicated grief who could sort of help me keeping a connection....

[Open Eyes]

(((Alisha))),

It's so nice to know you have made so much progress and more capable to getting back to living your life. Yes, what you are embracing is an important part of the healing and it takes time for a person to find their way towards the very realization that you have shared here.

There is always going to be feeling the "absence" when someone loved has passed away.
However, gradually, as you have discribed so well, is realizing how much that person really "is" a part of you and how you never really "lose" that. You have the right to grieve his loss, but also knowing that he would want you to also live on too, along with that "living on" the person really "does" stay a part of you.

((Caring Hugs))
OE

[Parley]

That is so cool that you were able to regain the connection. I don't know if I want to go there but it's nice to see the possibilities.

Thanks for sharing your positive experience.