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#1
Apr 01, 2015, 09:43 AM
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Ever since I was around 13, I have suffered from panic attacks/anxiety and depression. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father throughout my childhood and as the abuse escalated, the panic attacks began. Anxiety has colored my life ever since and while I learned to function with it in some ways, I also know that there have been many ways this has held me back throughout my life (school, jobs, relationships, etc). I've tried talk therapy, anti depressants over the years but it barely seems to have scratched the surface. I end up in the same cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, negative talk, self-sabotage, low motivation, depression over and over. It has cost me job opportunities and relationships and caused so much regret.
The more I learn about cPTSD, the more it resonates for me. I've never officially been diagnosed with it but it seems to explain a lot. I'm working with a therapist now who wants to start EMDR. I feel this is potentially a good thing as I know deep down I've never really grieved for the loss of the girl I once was before the abuse began. I'm also scared to take these next steps. I know I have to and believe the process will be worth it. I'm just so lost right now...last therapy session, we began listing some of my trauma history. My therapist approached it from the point of "lets write down the worst things that have happened to you that you can remember". I was surprised at some of the stuff that came up. We also started another list of happy memories in my life, and boy, were those a lot more difficult to come up with! I've noticed that since that session, I have been feeling even more depressed though. I cry every single day now and even more upsetting memories are coming to the surface. I try to counteract those with even the smallest happy memories but I find that even when I think of the good things I've accomplished, I get more sad because those things didn't last. I'm sure this a normal part of this process, but god, I feel so damaged, confused and stuck that I can barely function these past several days. I'm in a pretty dark place right now and while I have a couple of good friends who support me, I am so worried for my future. I guess I'm looking for advice and feedback from those who have been in similar situations. How do you get through this? If you've used EMDR, how did it work for you and how did you hold it together in between sessions? I haven't even begun the nuts and bolts of this treatment yet, and I feel like I'm coming apart with the onslaught of bad memories and losses I've sustained. Thank you for reading and for your support.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson |
 Bluegrey
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#2
Apr 01, 2015, 11:25 AM
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I'm doing EMDR in August. I have c-PTSD and hope it will help me and you.
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| Bluegrey
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#3
Apr 03, 2015, 04:08 AM
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I've been doing EMDR on and off for over a decade. I can honestly say it has literally saved my life.
The reality of it is, it can make you feel worse before you will feel better, but as time goes by and the more sessions you have, I promise you the more you will understand and you will be desensitized to your past traumas. I will also tell you that the process is not easy by any means, and you will have days when you will wonder if you are doing the right thing for yourself, BUT I can also promise you there will be days when you will feel nothing but peace of mind and relief that while your memories will never completely go away, they WILL become manageable and you will not be as sensitive to them in the sense that you will reprocess them so that when you think of those memories, they no longer have the painful, destructive power they once did. Also, the day will come when, for the most part, you will find yourself at peace with your past and have the tools you need to deal with the worst of them. For me, there are times between EMDR sessions when all you can do is let yourself feel what you are feeling and accept that it is part of the process of healing. I can remember many a time when I would sit in the floor, hugging my precious German Shepherd, Izzy, in my arms, crying and wailing into her fur as she laid patiently beside me letting me lose myself in my pain and suffering, licking me as she tried to console me. One thing that is part of the EMDR treatment, is to establish a 'safe place' for your inner child. In my case, I created a meadow surrounded by an ancient forest for mine where she is cared for and protected by a mother wolf. In addition to the wolf, the trees and plant life surrounding the meadow protect her by not allowing any of the hurtful things, whether they are words or the actions of other don't let any of them through to my child self so that she is protected and no longer has to worry about being safe. No matter what, nothing and no one will ever hurt her again. I hope this is helpful. Best of luck to you!  WW
__________________
 You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
 chattygirl29
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#4
Apr 03, 2015, 12:59 PM
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Werewoman,
Thank you so much for sharing your insight and experience. It is very helpful and gives me more faith that I'm on the right path. Honestly, I've never really realized how much stuff over the years has been brewing underneath the surface, thus leading to this chaotic way I've been living. On one hand, I am frightened that EMDR will bring even more stuff to light that I've buried in my subconscious. On the other hand, I just want relief and to consistently be able to face whatever life throws at me, make positive choices, and know that deep down I will be ok. I've avoided SO much all these years and I know that the key to freedom is by acknowledging and grieving for what I've lost so I can finally move forward. I've been self-limiting for far too long. Its quite daunting to say the least! But knowing some sense of peace feels like the journey, no matter how difficult, will make it worthwhile.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson |
| Bluegrey
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#5
Apr 03, 2015, 01:22 PM
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Quote:
I hope you have as much success as I have.
__________________
You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd |
| Bluegrey
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