[JaneC]

Today at university we had a group of applied theatre performers doing their show for us that they normally take in to schools, to begin conversations for kids around family violence, or bullying or child abuse......

I knew this was going to happen.

I did not know how realistically it would be acted.

In the first 5 minutes there was a scene where one actor suddenly and unexpectedly yelled at the top of their lungs, aggressively, threatening the actor playing his wife......

I began to feel panic and tears, then the actor yelled again and moved toward the person......I completely panicked. Tears, and jumped up, tried to find the exit(even though I knew where they were) and pushed through seated people to make it to the door.

OMGosh. I am soooo embarrassed and ashamed! Thinking about it now brings back the feelings of panic.....and the fear!!!

It was so sudden, and I reacted badly....... some days I truly HATE what goes on in my head/body that I just seem to have NO control over.

I suppose most of us experience this sometimes? How do you calm down afterwards?

[Crazy Hitch]

(((JaneC)))

Please allow yourself some kind forgiveness for reacting this way - it's really not your fault.

You did not react badly - you reacted according to your circumstances because you are still currently working through this.

[winter4me]

Your reaction is understandable.............and a very real response to what sounds like a well done enactment-----------((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
It reminds me of a time when I was in someone's office at work to talk about some concerns re: a co-worker (the other person was explaining the concerns to me)----when I went to leave, the door didn't open and I freaked (this was someone I would say I felt comfortable with, never had this problem before...yada) and began yanking on the door. Faintly, I could hear him say "just kick it sideways"--he had used a wooden wedge so we would not be disturbed; and I began kicking at it ineffectually, feeling totally freaked out for no reason, afterward, that I could explain.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)), I hear you, I have asked the same exact questions and I hate it myself. I hate how I get embarassed too, I feel very lonely with that challenge because of how others don't understand it too. I hate how when reminders are put in front of me I react and don't have control over it, yes, it is embarassing, I hear you there too.

Actually, that is right where I am right now and I am not doing well with it. I am trying VERY hard. And I make sure that when I "do" react badly that I don't "punish myself" for it. I do know IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Jane, what happened it not your fault, your mind and body knows you were hurt, it is responding as it was designed to respond too, "this really hurt me, I need to pay attention and "fight/flight".

You know what Jane? We are Human Beings, but we are also "ANIMALS" too, we have always been designed as other Animals and Mammels to respond this way for SELF PRESERVATION. Honestly, my horses DO remember and react this way too, an abused dog will cower and pee in fear, or fight bearing it's teeth, or RUN away.

When people RESCUE abused animals, they KNOW these animals are very SENSITIVE and they treat them with care and understanding. Well, we are no different, we are more intelligent, we rationalize the most, but we still have that same design that ALL animals have.

What these performers were actually doing is educating the people watching them what kind of behavior is ABUSIVE. And how YOU reacted, even what any of them happened to see, IS WHAT CAN RESULT FROM this ABUSE. Well, I don't know if the people watching this "theater" are others in the university "learning" only, but while it is important for them to understand and see what ABUSE does look like, they should also see "what the result YOU are challenged with looks like too". Think about it Jane, WHY are we supposed to feel like we have to hide it and be ashamed of it?

Jane, I am NOT doing well myself, because I am now being asked to talk about and recall the TRAUMA that I witnessed, I am really struggling and cycling, and crying and very emotional too. I don't want to be that way either, IT EMBARASSES ME, and everyone keeps telling me not to act this way, to control it and JUST somehow. My lawyer is expecting me to have control and not talk about the PTSD. "OH, if you do that they will use it against you, call you crazy, look she is unstable who should believe such a clearly emotionally unstable person?" THAT IS WRONG Jane, I have PTSD, I AM NOT LIEING, and because I have PTSD, yes, I am going to struggle, I may even have a flashback too, and if that happens, I can't control it either. It already did happen in a deposition, that retraumatized me even more, that again is ATTACHED TO THE TRAUMA that caused my PTSD. I was STUCK for too many years with a lawyer that was mentally declinging ENTRAPMENT, and I tried so hard to get away from him, I kept begging him to remember scheduled depositions to I could finish getting deposed because the remembering was so challenging, I needed to get that over with and work on the PTSD with my therapist. He failed to remember, even though I sat across from him in tears BEGGING HIM, he still FAILED ME, HE FAILED TO REMEMBER BECAUSE HE WAS FAILING THAT WAY IN HIS MENTAL DECLINE. Again, this is more TRAUMA on top of the same trauma adding yet another bad reminder, making it even worse.

This is wrong, this is inhumane and yes, it made me even worse too. Yet, the advice is still, "don't talk about it?". This is so wrong, this is so cruel too, it really IS inhumane.

You know, recently I was lectured and this person said, "We know you OE, we know you are a nice person too. By what we have heard of you "you are Morally Superior", and more people should be like you. We don't want to hear you say how much you don't like LIES, no one likes lies, when you say that it is as if you are calling us bigots and WE don't like it. I am not Morally Superior, good god, I surely hope that is true, I surely hope that how I feel, how wrong it is that I am genuinely struggling and can't talk about it is really not the right thing to do to someone who cannot help struggling because what happened really did happen and PTSD IS REALLY CHALLENGING ME AS A RESULT OF THAT.

You know, the constant message from professionals and others who struggle with it as well is, "It is not your fault, do not be ashamed, it is an INJURY" but that is really NOT what society is doing for me at all. I keep getting messages to the contrary, "it is your fault if you can't control it, and if you can't control it, it is wrong and shameful. If you ADMIT YOU ARE HURT THIS WAY, IT WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. That is exactly what Abusers say!!!!!!!!!!! And what I just said is pretty much VERBATUM what my attorney told me.

Seriously, who is actually CRAZY, me or these other people who keep telling me DO NOT TELL OR IT WILL HURT YOU AND BE USED AGAINST YOU? And PLEASE, do not tell me/patronize me with "life is not fair", because that is BS talk.

Jane, I am sorry I am venting here. But, I think that you DESERVE to not be ashamed, you have suffered trauma, you were showing the end result of what they were teaching in that "theater" but the TRUE theater is to INCLUDE IT ALL, and not just the ABUSE, but the HURT AND INJURY that results from it. What you did, how you reacted is VERY SIGNIFICANT, it's an extremely important part of what was being taught. You must realize that and "not" be ashamed of that fact because it was not YOUR FAULT, you really were hurt Jane. This must be made AWARE OF, and to be honest, the entire premise of PTSD, is to WANT THAT TO HAPPEN too. If we cannot talk about it, then how are we to truly HEAL??????

Your reaction IS NORMAL, A NORMAL REACTION TO TRAUMA, this MUST BE EXPRESSED, NOT HIDDEN or to feel embarassed about. So, please, think about that. All I seem to be doing is APPOLOGIZING, and that has been taking place constantly in these past few days alone. And others are telling me "get a hold of yourself, and I am trying so damn hard, but at times failing and being angry with myself for it too.

From me to you, and I am struggling so badly right now, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU WERE HURT, YOU HAVE AN INJURY, and you should not BE ASHAMED. I think that is really what needs to take place so that you and I are not getting conflicting messages, one set of message from healers, and a different set of messages from society. Well, that is wrong, people who suffer from trauma, develop PTSD because of that, deserve to be validated, deserve to try to function in spite of it and be understood if they struggle. You know, it's not all that different from finally sympathizing with people who are wheelchair bound and need to have better access to buildings of all kinds and restrooms. To not be ashamed to need that either. PTSD is an Injury too, it really is and it's such a challenge, you know it and I know it and so do others struggling too. We deserve to keep trying in spite of it and not be ashamed of it when we "do" struggle.

I want to CHANGE THAT, in my heart or hearts, I know that is what needs to be done.



For all of us trying so very hard.

OE

[unaluna]

Sounds like the actors took it a little too far. I have attended productions led by therapists that did not let the actors get too out of hand. I hope this group moderates their performance based on the audience feedback.

Maybe if you took some positive action? Like a short email to the instructor telling them you found it a tadtoo realistic? While you understand the need for realism, any child who has witnessed dv irl doesnt really need to see it reenacted - they need viable solutions practiced.

don't worry, i react like this too to things. i think it's to do with being hypervigilant and sensitive because of our illness. don't be embarrassed, its okay

[GeminiNZ]

(((Jane)))

Hope things have settled down some for you today.

[JaneC]

Thank you all for the support, I really really appreciate being understood on this forum.

OE.....I just need to say I wish I had more I could say right now, but you know my kind caring and supportive thoughts are coming to you. Your situation SUCKS and I wish it were not as it is.

I had a session this morning, and at one point I became so confused and my therapist picked up on this and asked what was going on. I told him I didn't know where I was, then realised, no, it wasn't that......

I didn't know WHEN I was! I was confused by the time, and because of that, the place and day........ it was awfully weird. I couldn't talk about it, I just needed it to go away.

My therapist told me that I was squinting, almost from the beginning of session and wanted to know again what was going on. I could only respond, no it wasn't the light, I just needed the stuff closing in to go away.

I also had the feeling that there was something up in the corner of my vision.......

My therapist changed the subject away from me telling him about what happened at uni. He even at one stage told me......Jane, it is Tuesday morning 2015. He made me talk about what I would be doing for the rest of the day.....well, supposed to be doing. More research proposal work at uni. (That didn't go well needless to say)

All day since, I have felt......somewhat confused and really heavy in my body, just exhausted and tearful.

Ugh.......so much to do......no energy to do it!

[PianogirlPlays]

I freaked out at a movie not too long ago. It was supposed to be a romance but it was contrasted with violent abuse . I am handicapped somewhat and couldn't get out of my seat to leave. My husband was off standing in the aisle and I started to cry. What a mess! I haven't been to a theatre since but I would never go again with out reading the reviews. These things are too real and we are sometimes emotionally unprepared because of background events.

[Bluegrey]

(((Jane)))

What an awful thing to have to cope with. I'm sorry not to have been able to post properly at the time, I've been away for a few days and couldn't get proper internet access.

Your reaction to the performance is totally understandable and while I can understand your wanting to hide it, and being embarrassed because you couldn't, I don't think you need be ashamed. It's sounds as if the trigger has led to a long lasting flashback or something, so please do look after yourself and take things as gently as you can. I hope that you can feel soothed soon.


Bluegrey

[Bluegrey]

(((Open Eyes))) I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time - and yes, you are right that society tells us to minimise our reactions while therapists say the selfsame reactions are normal and should be acknowledged as such. The world around us is so inconsistent. I'm glad you felt able to vent a bit here - you spend so much time giving good advice and showing care for people here on PC, it's good to see you have the chance to receive support as well. It's true that PTSD is an injury, I sense that you need to have this recognised and validated - you have been hurt and need help to recover.

I don't really understand the legal system in your country so I have no idea how far through the process you have reached, but I hope things can be settled without too much more delay.


Bluegrey

((((Jane)))

[skeksi]

I came on PC today because I just had an embarrassing crying reaction to a trigger. I'm sorry either of us had to experience it, but glad that we can share because Infeel so much better knowing someone else goes through this.

I would've had the same reaction you did in the theater. I stiffen up whenever there are angry voices, even on the TV. It's an automatic reaction. Your brain doesn't know the difference between a play and real life; it had to learn to react really fast a long time ago so the association is instantaneous. I don't think we can stop these reactions by will alone. In time they may get less dramatic as we heal, but it's not like we can just stop.