deep-seeded guilt/ptsd

I was molested for 14 years.

I don't really know if that's why but I have a deep-seeded sense of guilt and shame.

I don't really know where the guilt comes from. but part of my brain tells me it is do to mistakes I have made. Small ones. just hundreds of mistakes.. part of my brain that i don't follow that tell me to do this or that.

at first i tried hard to follow the thoughts. but they just never went away and if i didn't follow them exactly to the tee, i would get punished by the sounds and people surrounding me because they could read my mind and know the things i don't do.

anyway recently i had a dream that a group of my old teenage friends went to the molesters home with me and became violent with him. in the dream i was crying in the corner, and they were calling me a baby and spoiled.. and to stop crying. in the dream the attempted murder and i think he might have died.

anyway that was just a dream as far as i know. but i still have deep regret about it. because when i think about that situation as though it was reality, i don't feel like i am supposed to.

i feel in shock and like a bad person. but i don't want to cry. and i wonder if i have a lack of remorse and am being punished karmicaly for that?

i have suffered most of my life and i wonder if i should ever even try to feel better because maybe i did something terrible in a past life and am meant to feel this way? how could i know? how do i know when to give myself a second chance in life and try to heal?

also i don't know my own boundaries. i am not sure when to give myself permission to do what i want or when to do what the people around me want. or how to balance the two.

((Thought+Broad.Girl)),

You did not do anything terrible, what happened to you was wrong though. You need to be patient with yourself and slowly learn how to establish some boundaries, it takes time, especially with the years of being a victim.

I think the dream you had showed that part of you wanted/needed to have friends protect you and see you were being hurt by a bad person, but the other part is confused and doesn't like hurting "anyone". It's ok if you don't know right now too. You need to take it one day at a time and work with a therapist who knows how to help individuals like yourself so you can slowly "heal".

((Caring Supportive Hugs))

OE

thank you. u are very kind!

Victims of abuse do suffer from guilt and shame. It's going to take some time before you work through that challenge. If you have PTSD, "guilt and shame" does take place, I suffered that way myself.

You need to actually "learn" how to forgive yourself, that takes time.

How old were you when this abuse started if you don't mind my asking?

That is when you stopped growing and maturing, and if you were really young, that is the part that is in the corner crying too. You deserve to have that part of you comforted.

((Hugs))
OE

well i was like 2-3 the first time, then i wasn't allowed in his room anymore (reason remains unknown since supposedly no one else knew about it) Then while i wasn't allowed in there, he would make fun of me and treat me really badly. make funny noises when i walked around and call me fat and stuff. anyway then at around 4-5 i became friends with a neighbor girl ouside. the the of us went into the bathroom she was like 7, and we experimented in the bathroom together, that is when the abuse from the older family member started back up again. he started telling me that i was "spying" on him through his bedroom window. I wasn't. i denied if he kept insisting, yelling and screaming at me. my other brother of 5 years diff (i am the baby of 6) anyway he had locked the door to our bedroom because we were both scared. but the abuser wouldn't leave me alone, eventually i gave in and said i had spied on him even though i hadn't. he calmed down and told me my punishment would be to spy on him through the window when he knew it. he would then begin getting himself off infront of me.

it started out as little things like that. but by the time i was 9-10 we had become best friends, he would do things like take me to pizza, go bike riding with me, we would make songs together.. so at age 10 another family member began to hear voices while we were on a family trip to oregan, he told the family what happened while tripping out. (i sometimes wonder if he was drugged by the abuser because that guy had lots of books on mushrooms and other organic drugs and also mind control books) anyway i denied it was happening because at that point we were best friends.

but cps got involved anyway and then he took me, and ran away from home with me. he cut my hair really short put makeup on me and the plan was that i was 18 yo, even though i was only 10. anyway while in the park i fell down and cut open my knee really badly .... it was bleeding like crazy and a park official saw and took me to the hospital for stitches. i was then placed in a foster home for two weeks and there was a restraining order placed.

that didn't stop anything from happening though. after the restraining order was lifted i was still allowed to see him. so i would go to his hotel after school and the abuse continued.

at age 12 i got my first boyfriend, and abuser made me feel horrible. said i had broke his heart because he was in love with me.. i cried and cried.

abuse continued.

at age 14 i met another guy he was a run away from the streets, only 1 year older then me. so i ran away from home with him. he wanted us to move in with abuser and that is when i told him "i can't because 'touchy touchy, feely feely" but my boyfriend wanted to anyway. i talked him out of it.

anyway i finally went back home and told my abuser that i ddin't want it to happen anymore. he still tried and i ended up leaving home again with a different boyfriend from the st. we hitch hicked to ohio together. (im in cali) i told him about it. and he had me finally tell my mom.

no one seemed very surprised.

I did a lot of LSD out on the st. and that's when the guilt and shame started. i felt i had wronged my abuser by telling everyone at such a young age before i really knew it was wrong. and i also had a very hard time accepting that it was wrong. i still wonder sometimes whether or not it is normal to do that stuff. my mom doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all, and sometimes seems to want me to be friends with him still.

he is now married and a few months before she arrived from the phillipeans. he told me that his wife "knew everything that had happened between it, and didn't mind " while winking. so i assume she is into that stuff too.

they now have 2 daughters and one son, 2 cars and a huge house in silcon vally. while i am still stuck living at home with my mom. people reading my mind and angry with me. and alcoholic.

i have since been gang raped, beaten up several time. and sexually harrased by another brother and all my neighbors. even my cat Chavo used to try to have sex with me, true story. and he was a CAT.

so at this point i am beginning to feel like that was my purpose on earth. and that i was cast away from heaven because everyone was openly having sex and i didn't want to.

yeah i feel like since i am a woman, i am supposed to do what guys want me to sexually whether i feel like it or not.

my neighbors are playing their music really loud. and i just heard it say "i do't care what you went through"

oh well. everyone's against me because i am against society and don't want to be a sexual blow up doll for the rest of my life.

or a slave to my thoughts, or to my neighbors or to anyone else for that matter.

i am on ssi i don't leave the house much and my hair is 2 inches short.

the end

truth is on a basic level the abuse from my brother of 12 years age difference doesn't bother me that much. i am mostly confused about it. i think it's the fact that people read my mind that really messes me up the most because i have a lot of dark messed up thoughts that i don't want other people to hear.

i feel so bad for you. i hope you can get a doc and t. talking about it to someone will help, you poor thing, no one should have to be treated that way.

Why do you think other people are reading your mind?

As far as your history is concerned, children do not understand "what" sex really is.
They discover themselves and like how it feels, but they don't really understand what it is like adults do. Children are extremely inquisitive and when they happen to discover this, they want to know if other children have it too, but they really don't understand what it means. And also, children don't really understand what "boundaries" mean either, especially if there is no adult present to explain it to them.

It sounds like you did not have true parenting and you connected with your brother and he developed a bond with you that neither of you really understood.

So, you basically roamed around without having a proper parent so you got into some things that were not good for you. You never learned about having boundaries either, so you are very confused about that.

As far as your cat is concerned, well, animals have sexual desires too and they do hump things, they don't really know what it means, they are just driven by nature to try to mate and reproduce. I have seen cats do it, dogs do it and even my ponies do it too so that was not about "you".

Telling your mother and her being dismissive about it means that she doesn't know what to say so she chooses denial instead. It is apparent that your mother never had any parenting skills so it is very doubtful she will suddenly present with these skills now for you.

Human beings are sexual beings and yes, there are plenty out there that will be game if you are. YOU, need to learn how to establish boundaries for yourself, you can learn how, you have to be patient with yourself with this. However, you should not be looking at your past in a way that you self punish or consider yourself a bad person, that is not being "fair" to self because you honestly did not know and no one helped you with that either.

I'm so sorry all that happened to you. Have you found any professional help?

I am waiting for a community mental health service to call me back. but i have a hard time talking to therapists. i am on ssi, so many of the therapists they give me are interns. i would way rather talk to an older lady about all of this stuff .. not a young woman my age or younger, or a cute young intern guy. you know? wish me luck that i can find the right therapist that i feel comfortable talking to.

All the best of luck to you! I am looking for a T too. It is so hard, it's too hard actually to find someone when you are most vulnerable. I think T's forget that sometimes. I've noticed in my new city that many T's who are the most experienced, don't take insurance at all. My old T said she honetly don't know how they can call themselves social workers when they only help the top elite 5% of the population. Many people who need the help the most, rely on insurance or SSI to help pay for it. There are great T's out there, I wouldn't think so after having a couple of unethical ones, but luckily I did have a great one in my old location. Just remember you are worth good therapy no matter what!

Many that were abused, especially those who were sexually abused, have guilt feelings. I've dealt with guilt for years. I have often felt that I am a bad person.

You did nothing to deserve what happened to you, it was not your fault.

Maybe someday soon hopefully you can realize that.

Thought+Broad.Girl,

Have they called you back yet? I hope so, waiting to get help seems so cruel when you really want it .

i have an appt set up now with a social worker. it is on tuesday. but i still won't get my meds until the social worker decides to give me a med appt. last time i tried to get a med appt, my attempts failed. the mental health facility said i needed 3 therapy appts first and it was so hard for me to keep enough of the appt. that they gave up and sent me to a new place. that is the place i am waiting on this time. the good thing is though, that this place is designed for the more severe mental health patients, so they will come to my home from time to time when i really need it.

This is really great news! I see my new T for the 2nd visit this week. I am hopeful she can help me. I have never heard of places to where the T can visit you at home. I guess it would help make sure I keep my house cleaned. lol

yes, well supposedly it is a new thing. i am in sf california though so that might be why. and they won't do it every time, only when i really need it. they do it for my brother but he is physically ill also. but they said they can for me sometimes too, because i am gravely disabled with my delusions, and depression/social anxiety.