Oh, what is going on?!.... One would think I'd be WAY, way past this by now!! what is wrong with me?!

*****this may trigger some-- it deals with guns and childhood..........*******


Held at gunpoint when I was 8, by a teen, for 4 hours..... he said things like, I'd never see my home again.... asked if I wondered what it would be like to be dead.....-- sometimes with the gun in my back , sometimes the gun was at my neck..... I thought back through my eight years in my head, and felt sad I might never see my "snickers" again(the family mutt).... after it was all over, I was to NEVER talk about it-- it was just a ridiculous thing that a kid did to another kid.....

I never talked about it...... until in my mid thirties..... then having children the same age it was back -- somehow-- it came back-- all of it....

last November my son was robbed at gunpoint while pumping gas-- they took his birthday money he'd just gotten.

Seeing those images of the gunman in Virginia talking to the camera with his cold eyes and no emotion-- somehow I was back there with that teen-- 8 years old again!

just got a call from the District Attorneys office--- the thug that robbed my son wouldn't take the plea bargain..... so the DA wants to know if we want to go through prosecuting this worm.......

I find I struggle to keep a straight thoguht on this..... I don't know WHAT to do! some would say-- "Well of course-- this is easy-- prosecute him"!!! but for me-- it's not that simple--- as those feelings of guns pushed into chests, backs and necks..... what if this thug then seeks to retaliate against my son!!

Oh, I've been sick to my stomach and losing my thoguhts...... I wonder if I am just weak as I thought I was past all of it... but it seems to have found me again.

I was just wondering if...... well...... if someone can tell me that I'm not going crazy-- that perhaps these feelings and confusion are understandable??....

I think I might be disintegrating..........

mandy

[January]

((((((( Mandy ))))))))

You are not going crazy. Anyone with your past would have those thoughts.

Talk to the "Victims Advocate" and ask what steps can be taken to protect you and your son. Usually they will even help you relocate if you need to get away from a person.

Call and see what is available to you.

Hugs,

Jan

Petunia sits down next to little Mandy and puts her arm around her.

[lemmkins]

Mandy what a terrible thing for you to have gone thru. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

lemmkins

thank you Jan.

Oh yes, you just reminded me(been forgetting things ) that we did get a phone message from -- she called herself--- "the victim's advocate"... I'd forgotten--- I will call her this week-- thanks.

trying hard to keep these little mind pieces that flutter all around
from totally leaving this head of mine....

Jan--

mandy

thank you Tunia-- you are so very kind.

I'm scared, so scattered and lost.......

I appreciate your friendship so much.

Tunia--

thank you lemmkins, your kindness is VERY much appreciated.

lemmkins

mandy

[Calm]

mandyfins, please contact your victim's advocate. Because of an assault several years ago, I was assigned a victim's advocate and she was wonderful. She was very supportive during the entire court procedures, and I thank God her service was available to me. I hope it all works out favorably for you, and you and your son will be blessed with the fortitude to pursue this matter through the legal channels. Let justice prevail!

Calm,

Oh that's so great your victim's advocate was such a help to you. I'm so sorry you experienced an assault though. I hope you are doing OK now.

I'm so very scared but am trying hard not to let my son notice. I hope we can get an advocate like the one you had.
My past has left me not seeing justice prevailing-- so I go along with shaking knees.....

thank you for your reply--
Calm-

mandy

[Calm]

mandyfins, I totally understand your hesitancy in pursuing this through the courts. Justice doesn't always prevail, unfortunately. Following through is very difficult to say the least and shaky knees, sweaty palms and a racing heart can all be part of the package. Then there's the question, "Would it just be simpler to let it go and not fight back?" I struggled with that one. My attacker was indicted by the grand jury, and after meeting with the prosecutor who explained to me the pros and cons of going to trial, I decided a trial was the way to go. The defendant's attorney was seeking a plea bargain for a lesser charge. The prosecutor representing me explained the difference between the charges. After hearing what he said, it only took me a few seconds to reach my decision which was to proceed with a trial and not accept the plea bargain. What helped me reach that decision were the words that went through my mind, "Trust the process". I trusted the process. The trial came, I testified and justice prevailed. The jury found him guilty.

Am I doing okay now? Hardly! The assault happened just down the street from my home. It's hard to forget when I have to pass that spot every time I leave my subdivision. The SOB stole from me the safe feeling I had living here. Till this day I find it very difficult to walk through my subdivision. For that matter, I find it hard to go walking anywhere by myself. I deluded myself thinking I left all those kinds of ugly experiences back in NYC when I moved away. Surprise, surprise! They can happen anywhere. I learned no place is safe. My internal radar for detecting danger seems to always be in active mode.

I hope your inner guide will help lead you to making the right decision in your son's case. How does your son feel about all of this? Has he expressed his wishes about it?

Take gentle care and keep safe.

[Sabrina]

I don't really know what to say at all - except that I am touched beyond belief. I am so sorry for your pain.

I really am sorry for your fear. I fear for my nine year old, but not on the scale of what you are going through.

My heart goes out to you!!

Calm,

thanks for explaining how it worked for you. I'm so glad for you that he was found guilty and justice prevailed.

I'm sorry your "safe feeling" was stole from you.... *sigh*..... I do so very much know what that is like

Oh dear... this is so me too:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My internal radar for detecting danger seems to always be in active mode.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know how my son feels..... that probably sounds bad..... I do need to talk to him about it more thoroughly. I haven't avoided talking about it nor has he seemed to want to..... I guess I'm just not sure about any of it.... but I will ask him how he feels about prosecuting.

Returned their call and left a message with the DA and the victim's advocate... but haven't heard back yet.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Calm--

mandy

Oh you are so sweet Sabrina. You don't have to know just what to say......
what you said was perfect.

It's one thing to fear for one's own safety-- that is hard in itself.... but then to also fear for your child's safety. I find I'm going numb quite a bit... not sure if that's so good but at least I'm not stressing out my son this way.

It's so kind that you understand -- thank you so much.

mandy

[bebop]

mandy I don't have all the words but want to give you a (((((big huge hug)))))

Oh bebop you don't have to have any words.

Your thoughtful hug is very much appreciated. Thank you.

Still haven't heard back from the DA's office...... maybe no news is... good news?!

I wish, like my feelings that I seem to be able to shoot into outerspace.... wish I could also send the gunman(that held up my son)into outerspace....

mandy

[bebop]

I just hate guns! I do however shoot from time to time just so I know how to use one if I ever needed it. maybe it isn't the guns but the people that committ crimes with them and the damage they do. *sigh* I hope everything goes well for you hon.

I think it's a VERY good idea to acquaint oneself with guns. Good going bebop.

I tried, last year for the first time I held a gun....... my legs started feeling weak, my back soon became drenched with perspiration(and I seldom ever need to use deodorant-- only when it's triple digit heat, as my hypothyroid keeps me cool)... I did fire the gun several times at targets--even hit some of them..... no one there knew what a hard thing that was for me to do.... but I couldn't complete the whole training with the others.....

I'm hoping things turn out well too.... ...

Thanks bebop--

mandy

[bebop]

((((hugs)))))