[SandyWeb]

I opened my door this morning to collect my two newspapers, and staring up at me was a very familiar photo. I was prepared for September, when this event took place in 1998, but I was totally caught off guard to find it in both papers. The pictures and the story is nothing new to me (in fact, I know a lot more than the stories told because I WAS THERE FOR MONTHS.) But if I wanted to revisit this, I have a place where I keep all the paperwork and other things from those days.

I'm shaking, I'm trembling, I've got all those images all jumbled up in my head again. I just went through a flashback-type experience with this back in February because of someone unintentionally mentioning something. Took awhile, but I got the dreams to stop again and the memories to get out of the forefront of my mind. Now I'm back even worse.

Today is a clonazepam day. It's important not to forget, and yet....I don't want this TYPE of remembering. For some odd reason, I just feel like standing naked on my balcony. I don't know why. But I won't. Too shy.

Can you have survivor's guilt, even when you weren't directly involved in the disaster? I worked it for months, but I wasn't actually in the event (or I'd be dead like all the others). All those people died....people going on with their lives, making plans, performing their jobs, raising families, taking a trip.....people who WANTED to live. And then you have someone like me....taking up space and air and scared to leave my own apartment most of the time.....why should I still be here when none of them wanted to die? I didn't want to die, either, at that time. But my life has become so meaningless, and I feel as though I should have died with them. I feel like I took one person's spot who should still be alive.

God bless,
Sandy

[Rio_]

((((SandyWeb)))) I'm sorry. I've sort of had that happen to me - not the same event in the newspapers, but similar ones, and I know how horrible it feels. All the time you've tried to forget, and then it's thrown right in your face when you don't expect it!

I've never been great at coping with it, but maybe a distraction would help take your mind off the images and calm you down? Something you could get completely absorbed in, like a film or book.

I think you can...I've had a form of survivor's guilt because I wasn't directly involved in "my" event, thinking I had no right to be affected by it at all because nobody I knew had been hurt or killed, and everyone else in the same position as me seemed to be able to get on with their lives just fine. When I told my therapist, that, though, he said it's possible to be traumatised even just by reading something in a newspaper! You don't need to be directly involved to be affected.

Your life is not meaningless. I hope you feel better soon.

[chalmette70043]

((((((Sandyweb)))))))

I know exactly the way you feel. I wish you the best.

chalmette70043

[PetulantWolf]

Had a similar experience...I wasnt in the world Trade Center, but live close by...I used to be able to see it from where I live...and had someone I know die in there, a priest and a fireman, who seemed to be allover the papers. Well a few months later I opened my mailbox to find a newseek pictorial issue all about the WTC and with pictures of Fr Mike in there dead...with no warning and I thought it was wrong...to send that to people inmy area like that with no warning. It troubled me.

Anyway, I totally understand. And it is troubling to be caught off guard like that. Im sorry. Feel better. And please be gentle with yourself. You seem like a very sensitive and caring person...

[SandyWeb]

I think that all 3 of you who responded to my post are sensitive people. If not, you would not be influenced to any great degree when a reminder occurs of something that affected you in the past. And being sensitive is what makes for a better person....someone who cares and looks out for the other, even when you have problems of your own. I am sorry that all 3 of you experienced tragedies, but as corny as it sounds, "time" does have a way of making the emotions not so sharp and the images not so vivid....although we will never forget. Anniversaries are horrible, of course, and like what happened to SignMeUpAlready and myself when we get an unexpected piece of mail or newspaper that brings everything right back to the forefront of your mind. You're not prepared for that, and you weren't ready to cope with it.

But I see that you 3 HAVE continued on, and so have I. I spent my day online with a wonderful friend who stuck with me throughout his hours at work right up until the time I went to bed that night. He made me feel safe and protected, he talked to me and listened, he was compassionate and truthful, he kept me distracted with silly "games", and he allowed me to go to bed feeling protected and cared for. He gave me his cell phone number to call him ANYTIME. And I didn't even have one dream last night about my PTS event. He is my hero!

And now we're into another day, the sun is shining, the newspapers are full of different stories, and I feel refreshed and safe. Computers are wonderful inventions, huh? Without them, I wouldn't have "met" the 3 of you strong and sensitive survivors, and I also would never have "met" my knight in shining armor. Lol.

I wish everyone all the best!

God bless,
Sandy