[tearsinabottle]

I dont know how to start writing about this as its very difficult for me. Its difficult because there happened one incident when I was 13. I am so ashamed of it and I dont know how and why it did happen, why I did what I did.

I just know something must have been horrible wrong in my childhood growing up. Well, I do know I come from dysfunctional family home and that I had an emtionally neglected childhood and maybe this is why I did what I did. Unless there is more to it than what I can remember.

Ok, I will try write as good as I can in chronological order of things that has happened...things that I tbink has caused my PTSD.

Age 6 : I remember feeling ashamed of being naked when a picture got taken. I was the only one without clothes. I tried hide by embracing myself.

Age 12 : I walked the dog of an older married man. One day I went to walk his dog and he asked me in for ice cream. He said his wife was out and then he sat staring at me while I looked at the ice cream and him. Mostly I looked at him because he sat staring at me. I said "what are you looking at?!" I felt annoyed and maybe I was scared without realizing it. But I was annoyed. He said "nothing" and continue staring. He had by then or after this put on p*rnogr*phy and still sat staring at me and asked me to look at the movie. I didnt want to. I dont remember more from this incident. I guess I must have walked out of there at one point.

This happened in west because I had moved to my grandmothers house because my father had planned moving to west. My father is from west and I lived half year at my grandmothers house waitingfor him to come after. He never did because he had met a woman and I had to move back to east after half year. I was half year in west. I told my grandmother about this old man and she called him and told him he knows well why I dont come to him to walk his dog anymore. Then she hung up.

I dont know how I managed to tell my grandmother what this old man did, but I must have known the right words for the video.

Age 13 : I am back in my childhood house and one day my father was outside our home in the garden. And now comes the horrible thing I did. Its nearly I cant write it because its so horrible. I went out in the living room and exposed myself in a very sexual way. After that I ran to my bedroom in shame. I did not dare go out from my bedroom. In some way I must have repressed what I did since I felt normal again after some time.

I also masturb*ted in the same room as my father was in. I stopped very soon as I felt ashamed.

I did the same down at my mothers place, still feeling ashamed. But also there I stopped very soon.

Age 13 : my brother and I had some sexual play somehow. Nothing did happen but I know I was kinda sexual acting while we played. I dont know if he made me think its normal or if he also thought it was normal or if we both thought nothing of it. We had clothes on and nothing did happen. It was only light silly play.

He started come on my door step in the morning after my father had gone to work. It scared me a little. He laughed or smiled and I knew his thoughts were not like they should be.

Then my brother died of suicide some time or some months after. I witness the first time he tried committ suicide and that was very traumatic for me.

After my brother died I started be scared my father would think sexual stuff when I locked my bedroom door. I was sure he knew what I was thinking and I was thinking that he was thinking something sexually.

Age 13 : My fathers new woman tried get me together with her brother sending him into my bedroom. Nothing happened.

Age 15 : I got together with this womans brother down in Asia. I liked being with him. He bought me ice cream at the beach. We could see big turtle sticking its head up from the water. My fathers woman raged down there after some weeks, it was very traumatic. I dont know if they knew about the rape ( her brother raped me ). I got blamed by this womans mother for making her son into a devil wanting to kill his family because he was no more allowed to talk to me. I did pee on me one day in fear. When it was on its worst.

When we got home from Asia my father and his woman threw me out. I didnt have a home and he and his women told me I didnt have to come home, that its best I stay at the folk school in west. They said her brother would come to visit for two weeks. Again I was in west. Her brother never came. I think.

They did this after we had been in Asia on holiday. Her brother did drug me down and raped me down there. Nothing was done because I didnt know what happened. I only know today he drugged me because I remember i woke up on the bed in that casino room up in the jungle and I saw blood on the sheet. I saw up and I saw him standing in the room. This is why I know he drugged me down. I dont remember having sex with him. So he drugged me down.

One time between age 13-15 I nearly prostituded myself. I got some money for doing something. That was the only time I did this. Luckily!

Age 21 : I got my first boyfriend. We were many people living in this building. I dont know the words for it but its like a place were students rent when they go to school. Some people put on p*rnography and I had to get out of there. My boyfriend followed after me very qyuickly.

Me and my boyfriend moved to west. We nearly never watched tv. I left him after a year or so because he was so childish talking about a german model. I felt like I was not good enough.

Age 23 : I get married and my ptsd starts. I am scared to death that something "like that" will show up on tv. Nakedness and this stuff. I have to avoid it at all cost. Or my world goes under and I feel like I could just die. I started finding ways to shower when I knew good tv programs were showing. In my mind bad tv programs are containing even the slightest nakedness, just seeing women being in underwear triggers me. I never had this problem before I met my first boyfriend. I could look baywatch and not have one mind about something was wrong. Only after they put on the p*rnography I started having problems.

I divorced this/ my first husband after 7 years.

When I have been thrown into triggers the latest 20 years, seeing inappropriate nakedness, stuff like this, I get many symptoms. My heart races, I start to cry being overwhelmed by negative emotions, I feel horrible. I get angry and annoyed or irritated trying to keeep a calm facade being in control, but then I start cry intensely. Its so strong the negative emotions. I feel like I am not worth anything for my boyfriend or husband and I feel humiliated each time. I am so humiliated. Its shameful. I feel ashamed and humiliated and not good enough. I look the same as everybody else and have curves and all. Its not jealousy I feel, this is not why I dont feel good enough. I dont know what it is, but when it happens I feel like something does hit me really hard. Its goes right into my chest, into my core being and I start to shake, my heart races, I get annoyed and I cry intensely because I feel I am being thrown into something that says "shame on you" or "shame"". The best word I can use is I feel humiliated most of all. And or embarrassed.

I avoid places like the beach. I dont look tv programs that can trigger me.
I avoid everything that can cause me trigger. It make it hard to dare look tv with a boyfriend or husband in future.

Yesterday my friend did by mistake show me a picture on her mobile asking if this was the girl who was following me on Fb. I had blocked her because she had little clothes on and I dont want to be near or see anything that triggers me. I do go to the beach though, I can manage my ptsd if not in a relationship. What my friend did triggered my ptsd and I got annoyed why she did this to me when she knows she must not do it, I couldnt control myself and got an outbreak, my heart raced and I cried intensely. She was very sad over what happened, she didnt expect such a reactions, but she understood and she said she knows now to remember not to do or say anything like that.

I am trying to make sense of my ptsd. I am wondering most of all if my strong negative reactions are caused by what I did when I was 13? when I exposed myself? I cant understand what else it can be that causes me to feel so humilated, ashamed and not good enough.

I also feel, if in a relationship, that my boyfriend or husband could as well have left me emotionally or in his heart and wanting someone else and not me. All my self worth goes down when this happen and I am sure I am not loved when it happens.

I am sorry this got so long, but I need to write everything. There may be more I dont remember, but this is what I remember.

[lowinmood]

I think your ptsd started when you were walking the dog for an older man, even though you were young, you knew the porn he wanted you to watch wasn't right, and you felt uncomfortable when he was staring at you. None of this is your fault, you were a child walking a man's dog because you were told to do so by adults. And this older man lured you in to his perverted world and used his dog to lure you in.

The truama of having to watch porn with him has affected you then, as it is today, he was grooming you and he has also made you think everything is your fault, this is what abusers do, and so the abuse continued in the family home, with your brothers, you got raped, and now when you see naked women, your mind goes back to being in the old man's house where you were made to watch porn.

All I suggest is therapy, get some counselling for this. And perhaps, through counselling, you'll begin to realise that your the victim in all of this and nothing was your fault.

[mugwort2]

Yes it isn't your fault. You are not to blame. You remember quite a lot. Maybe you are repressing the rest. Uncertain if you are repressing. Just a thought. I'm not concluding.

[tearsinabottle]

Thank you both of you for replying. Its not my fault, that is true. I dont blame myself and I have never blamed myself all these years. I know I was just a child.

I agree that the old man putting on this disgusting stuff may started it, but I feel so humilated. Can there be a connection to what I did and the horrible humiliation I feel? Its like something hit me really hard. I feel my heart drop real heavy. The same feeling you get when you come to realize you have done something wrong and its too late to fix it and you feel embarrassed. I know it wasnt my fault, but I get that heavy feeling in my chest, my heart falls to the ground and I feel horribly humilated and in a kinda shock state where my heart races in rapid heart beats. Its like the world goes down under my feet, only it is felt in my chest.

I have been thinking if I find a trauma therapist she will be able to tell me.

I remember much, that is true. I hope there is not anything I dont remember.

[sp5992]

Hi, very sorry to hear that your going through a rough time. In your last post IMHO it sounds like you were having a panic attack with the heavy feeling on your chest and the world going under your feet. I would definitely talk to a therapist. Take care

[MelloJoy]

Try and be strong. Sounds like you have been through a lot and are still living in that hell. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you do find a good therapist to help you through these tough times.

[Chuds]

It is very brave of you to share your story on a public forum.The activating
event of being raped at 15 may have triggered earlier memories and shaped your future experiences. There is a strong sense of shame and sexuality each of the events you listed. I think you have to make sense of the rape you experienced at 15 to gain greater clarity of your memories. What I can tell you for sure, that what happened in your past (real or imagined) was not your fault. You were only a child.
There is a movie I would recommend for you. It is called "Towelhead." Its about a teenage girl who was curious about sex. She acted out sexually in her teenage years and intensified her strange fascination with sex when she can across a pornography stash from the kid she was babysitting. Its a dark comedy. I feel that the premise of the movie will illuminate your situation.
Do you have a therapist? What does she say about this? Do you find what she said helpful?