[Maat]

So I have had trauma and it has been suggested I might have PTSD although I have never been formally diagnosed.

I have had intrusive memories, repressed memories etc to do with the trauma before.

But yesterday, out of nowhere a memory which is not directly related to the trauma (although it could be argued a by product of it) hit me. It is something that I did that I am deeply ashamed of and did when I was drunk (don't ask I won't say, but I didn't hurt anyone or anything like that). But I forgot that it happened and carried on with life for years until yesterday when I finally remembered.

I feel distraught and hate myself for this. It is so against everything I stand for and have stood for over my whole life. It makes no sense when I look at who I am as a person. Frankly it terrified me. I realised how mentally ill and disturbed I must be...

I have contacted a counselling service for help and am devoting myself to recovery from all my compulsive behaviours including drinking, self harm etc.

But I am confused about if this might be related to PTSD. Everything I have read about memory is that the brain throws up memory of the trauma. But would it throw up memories like this too?

I am terrified...

[DesigningWoman]

You aren't alone. Try not to be so frightened. Many people suffer from trauma and have PTSD. You aren't alone.

Although I am not a dr, it does sound to me like PTSD. Last year I had a somewhat similar occurrence when my PTSD really got triggered. I called my therapist panicked. She specializes in PTSD, particularly sexual trauma. As we talked through the feelings of an event of what to me resurfacing was unrelated to my trauma. I felt nauseous because I realized it was a bit more related than I thought. The common factor was me. My therapist J said to take the focus off the terror and self loathing of the past and focus on the present. I needed to ask what positive can I do now? How can I take care of me right now?

I made a list of a couple realistic healthy obtainable short term goals. I would go to my small prayer group that night as they offered solace. I would journal about my feelings. I would go to my next therapy appt.
sometimes the best way for me to fight the terror is one foot in front of the other and focus only on those steps.

If you don't have a therapist, I would definitely advise getting one. If you can, one who specializes in PTSD. It really sounds like you are going to need help in this process moving through PTSD.

Try to keep breathing. Try to keep moving. Be gentle on yourself. You will make it. You are not alone.

[Maat]

Originally Posted by DesigningWoman

You aren't alone. Try not to be so frightened. Many people suffer from trauma and have PTSD. You aren't alone.

Although I am not a dr, it does sound to me like PTSD. Last year I had a somewhat similar occurrence when my PTSD really got triggered. I called my therapist panicked. She specializes in PTSD, particularly sexual trauma. As we talked through the feelings of an event of what to me resurfacing was unrelated to my trauma. I felt nauseous because I realized it was a bit more related than I thought. The common factor was me. My therapist J said to take the focus off the terror and self loathing of the past and focus on the present. I needed to ask what positive can I do now? How can I take care of me right now?

I made a list of a couple realistic healthy obtainable short term goals. I would go to my small prayer group that night as they offered solace. I would journal about my feelings. I would go to my next therapy appt.
sometimes the best way for me to fight the terror is one foot in front of the other and focus only on those steps.

If you don't have a therapist, I would definitely advise getting one. If you can, one who specializes in PTSD. It really sounds like you are going to need help in this process moving through PTSD.

Try to keep breathing. Try to keep moving. Be gentle on yourself. You will make it. You are not alone.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.

It is so hard to focus when I am so distressed, but I am trying not to do self-harming behaviours.

Eeek!