[UpDownMiddleGround]

I haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks now. It's kind of funny because my pdoc referred me to have a sleep study because I was having so much trouble staying asleep. I have a cpap machine. These days, it's not helping. My mind has been wondering for a little over a week. I can't seem to stay focused on anything and I'm forgetting a lot.

So, three days ago, I was innocently "chasing a rabbit" in my thoughts. I chased it down a little hole and found myself in darkness. All of a sudden, I was face to face with my attacker trying to free myself. Feeling like there was no control. Scared. Alone. And replaying the situation over and over. Two days ago, I had an appointment with my T. We discussed it briefly but I thought I was going to be ok. Yesterday, i had to go back to see her again. Flashbacks got worse. Fear was becoming crippling. Couldn't keep myself in the present. Today, i woke up feeling better and then it started over again. This time with a different episode but the same abuser. Scared. Alone. No control.

I know he is not in my life anymore. I know I'm safe. Well, I don't really know it but I'm supposed to keep telling myself I am. I'm not living in the house with him anymore. I'm ok.

I want to be free. How do I make this stop and not come back? It's been a while since I had to use EMDR in a session. . .

How do I avoid having flashbacks out of no where? How do I avoid triggers when I can't even see them coming?

[Out There]

I understand this and feel for you. I still have the feelings that something is still happening or will happen again when rationally I know otherwise. I have also had EMDR , but things still come up and more memories surface. I would have further EMDR if needed. Hugs to you.

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

I was told the hippocampus in my brain stopped putting a timecode on the memory of trauma. That is why I remember it as a present event instead of a past event. The cortisol in saliva, tear compostition, adrenals, actual physical size of the hippocampus , etc all change during original trauma event and also during a flashback. That made me feel a little better about it, so I hope it helps you too. I am not "cured" but I feel better understanding why it is this way. I have to remove myself from the emotions (It's not really happening- it is a memory) and "timecode" it (That was then this is now) consciously to self-calm. Your brain is okay... it is trying to process those memories and because survival is so important the danger signals are still being sent (to protect you although it feels so crazy, it is to protect you) It seems that 1 of 3 people who experience trauma develop ptsd.

I want mine to go away too. We can support each other when they don't go away. Thanks for sharing your struggles and dreams; that was brave, trusting, and honest.

PS one of my triggers is a color: I do better avoiding my response now that I figured that out. (I get very angry very quickly when I see that color... now I know it is not the current situation or new person "doing it" but a trigger response... other people it could be a smell... cigars, etc)