[quietincrowd]

I am unsure where to begin. I ended an abusive relationship of 15 years and have sense had many issues and have been in therapy. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd which felt like a blow but looking back I have been dealing with this for years. I guess I wonder if you can ever feel again, there are days but many times I feel detached from life, I do not seem to enjoy it like others. I know for years I would not allow myself to feel joy because it would just be destroyed. I know living as I did has caused this. I just wonder if how I love... will it be enough? Is this normal?

[leomama]

Hi quietincrowd, nice to meet you. I can relate to the joy part, right now I do not trust my own.

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[Unrigged64072835]

It took me a while to feel again. Because of the abuse I couldn't trust my own feelings. In therapy my feelings were validated and I'm able to start feeling again.

[Open Eyes]

((quietincrowd))),

What you have described is actually very normal when someone has been traumatized, especially in the way you have described. For years you were invaded and probably expected to give into someone elses needs and if you failed would somehow be punished.

What you did not realize is that what was also being destroyed is anything you created for "self" too. From an early age you did not have your boundaries respected and a child doesn't have enough knowledge to understand what that means but instead tries to figure out how to survive in spite of whatever toxic environment they are exposed to and have no choice but to accept.

Unfortunately, it is this toxic environment that becomes a "normal" and the problem with that is how that can lead to this child thinking that what can be a toxic individual is safe because it's familiar, something they were used to, learned how to surivive with on a very deep subconscious level. That is why so many women end up in relationships with the same kind of toxic individual as their parent and for many women, they end up marrying a man that is a lot like their father and they begin to take the same position in that relationship as they did growing up, but they do this unknowingly because it's just simply what they "know" on a deep subconscious level.

The problem with this is that all it does is present constant stress and continued struggle with actually having "healthy" boundaries. Often the woman begins to believe that the problem is "her" something is wrong with "her" and that is typically what the individual she is in a relationship with consistently impresses on her too. And, because she never really learned how to defend and stand up for her boundaries, she begins to feel more and more powerless and in that often accepts that is "her" fault and succombs to becoming a codependent or constant "victim" to toxic disordered behaviors.

You lived like this for many years until it got so bad that you FINALLY got away from it. However, you are still struggling and lost and feeling that anything you try to do that might be productive or have value will only be invaded or destroyed. Ofcourse you are "unsure where to begin", that is just how much has been taken from you that you really do not know where to even start and that is when having a therapist that understands where you are, how truely vulnerable you are and can provide you with a sense of safety that you can at least "try" to think about some kind of beginning is so important.

The diagnoses of complex PTSD means that the individuals who struggle with PTSD have been struggling from their childhoods and never really experienced a presence that gave them permission to have their own boundaries and identity and true sense of "safety" and genuine "personal space" and a right to that "personal space".

For many who have a history of never really having their boundaries respected and never really being given permission to develop "healthy" self esteem, finally getting away from a toxic relationship that was only an extention of abuse can be just the first step towards finally learning "how" and also dealing with all the ways one somehow failed to establish and protect their own boundaries.

Feeling "detached" is normal to what an individual feels when finally being at a point where they have some space away from "abuse and dysfunction". Also, this "detachment" is often one of the things an individual learned in order to "survive" so many years of being abused and failing to protect their boundaries.

Learning how to finally begin to actually "attach" and feel safe to do so can be a big challenge. However, the first step that is important to recognize to even begin the journey is recognizing this detachment you have "now". This is the beginning of "awareness" instead of disassociation.

Learning how to gradually attach for many with complex PTSD requires a lot of "patience" and for the first time actually "allowing" self to slowly learn how to learn "how" to be "self" because that was not there for you in your past, not in a healthy way.
Understanding that this is truely "not your fault" and being gentle and forgiving of self is the foundation one must slowly develop in order to make gains on "finally" healing and slowly figuring out how to find "self identity" and also slowly learn how to develop boundaries to protect that self that is very fragile and confused and lost and lonely. Often one feels like no one else will understand, that is so normal because they never had that kind of presence in their life, and they grew to believe they did not deserve to have that either. Also, what individuals who struggle with this also have to slowly learn how to do is to not "judge self" poorly and "blame self", often that is a habit that was picked up along the way because of how others insisted "failure is your fault, not theirs".

Each person is different in how their history shaped them into who they are now and how they struggle and feel so lost and honestly don't know "how" to begin to explain "their" personal sense of "loss". The most important thing to learn about "healing self" is having patience and to embrace whatever one needs to finally develop their sense of self for however long that takes.