[PsychohcysP]

I don't know where to start with.

I hate my body. I'm 20 year old girl, from my visual side I'm quite beautiful, I mean I have nice face, hair and shape according to general average taste. But I hate my body, more specifically, my breasts. I can't look at them, touch, then I have a feeling of a huge disgust. I'm in a strong, 5-year relationship with a man. I don't let him touch, see, undress it too. I run away when he dares to try. It's abhorrent. I don't like being touched or looked at at all. I hate men watching me out. And I don't like men at all, besides my lovely boyfriend, who I feel safe with. I love him. Even though I couldn't even touch any other men, I'm not sure of my orientation since I do like girls. At the age of 14 I got raped. I was very naive, belived that there are no bad people. This was me who decided to go with that guy. I had to go with a friend but she didn't show up. We weren't friends anymore. I can't ve friends with famales, they are dishonest and gossiping usually. So, he did it and for many years I thought it was only my fault and that I deserved it. Moreover, it was the only time in my life when my body reacted as it is to react while having sex... So I couldn't belive it could be that. That's humiliating to describe. But then I realised I actually said "no" and was even crying while he was doing that. It was my first time. He asked if I feel anything, but I didn't, since I had drunk 4 beers bought by him for me. So he said that I wasn't a virgin and started to do it harder. And by the way, he didn't put off my t-shirt and didn't touch my breasts at all. I realised it was rape 2 years after, and started trying to think last year, when I joined psychotherapist, recommended by my psychiatrist. He didn't know about this situation. Despite it, he diagnosed me with neurosis (anxiety disorder) and when I told him I don't feel my past is actually my, that I feel like someone else experienced it, he diagnosed also conversion disorder. I'm also perfectionist and so on. There was a time I suffered from simple schizophrenia, I had all the symptoms but one - I was awere that sth was going on (I'm into psychology and have read a lot before) so my doctor said it couldnt be it. He said it was kind of Dysthymia. I take psychotrops; antidepressants twice a day everyday for 1 year and when I had a break down I also got antipsychotics. My psychotherapist claimed I was great with them but my psychiatrist said I don't need them more because I wasn't so buried any more. I also use to cut myself. I do it since primary school. The first time was when I was annoying my dad and he got furious, he wanted to shake my arms, but I thought he wanted to choke me. Then I cut my leg for the first time. Then I cut myself and cut, I have a large scars after the last time so I regret it. To be honest, I forget about everything after a while - conversion heh. And it's not like me. Sometimes only scares remind me that I was sad-furious-devastated.

I forgot what I wanted to say...

A. I'm drug addict. Inactive at the time, but still. I used to take various pills since I was 13. My favourite ones were opiates, codeine. I also drunk a loooot of alcohol. Apart from this, I got the best scores in my (good) school. And my parents didn't know about anything. It wasn't that they weren't interested, I'm just a great actor. No knows what is really in my mind and I guess no one would expect such thing.
I'm a positive person although I hate many things. I guess thing I hate the most are children. The smaller the worst. I have bloody thoughts about them - I kick them in their head, jump on them, cut off their head, hold their legs and punch in a curb or an old radiator. But I'm very polite and kind person. I gave up sessions with my psychotherapist because it had made me feel badly. I started to have pieces of emotions (she couldn't belive I can really feel nothing, just indifference and the void) and I couldn't live with it.
I'm afraid of men, I can't go alone anywhere. I cant remind when i went somewhere alone.. And I have nightmares. Few times I had a nightmare in which guy who wanted to rape me was a close member of my family... I woke up every time before the act. But once I didn't. And I also had nightmare with real rapist...
I can't show my body, I can't wear low necked blouses or any dresses or anything in which my body is visible.

And at the moment I'm in a neutral humor and it's like I was describing someone strange. I feel nothing right now. But when it comes, it's getting worse with every time.

Hm I think I wrote everything, although not sure. I don't know exactly what I want to hear from you. Maybe...

What do you think about it? What disorder do you think I suffer from?

[phoenix7]

you have been through a lot

First - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT - bodies react as they were made to before they are taught otherwise by shame or fear - the person who did that to you is lower than dirt

I am glad you are not doing drugs any more - I hope you can manage to stay away from them

It does sound like you need psychological help - help to heal and get past what happened - take away the power from it
This is still affecting you - you need help (in my opinion) to explain and heal

It sounds like you have a great guy and Im happy for you - your body is the space you inhabit while you are here - I hated mine for a very long time - childhood stuff/abuse - its where we live - I didn't want people to see I was female because females got used - so I dressed very plainly - nothing that showed my curves - its a way of being invisible

I really hope you seek help

Please take good care of you

[Michalx09]

Thank you for sharing. I also want to add as previously stated that was has happened IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot control a situation in which you have been taken advantage of. Thank you for being open and honest about your life. I believe that is the first step to finding healing.